It’s been pretty busy over here lately and my mind’s been all over the place.  All over the place in fact that yesterday, I  woke up and got ready to drop off big sister at preschool with the usual schedule of fixing the girls breakfast, dressing them, doing A’s hair, getting her backpack and her school things, and I told the girls, “Okay, it’s time to go, go get your shoes on and get in the car!” And when I went to go get my shoes on, big sister was already in the car, and little sister was putting on her shoes.  So we got in the car, and dropped big sister off at her preschool.  2 1/2 hours later, little sister and I went to pick her up where there’s a drop off/pick up section and the teachers open/close the car doors for the kids to get in/out so you don’t have to get out of the car. When we got home, I noticed big sister was barefoot so I asked her where her shoes were, whether she had left them at school and she said, “No mom, I didn’t wear shoes to school.”

Yeah, talk about feeling like a bad mother! And it’s been even more chaotic lately because my girls have been crying more than usual.  They would ask me if they can have some ice-cream or candy and when I tell them no, they have the utmost hurt expression in their eyes as they run off crying to their bedroom to sob on their pillows for 20 minutes!  Is that normal, people?  I mean, they’re only 3 and 4, what on earth is going to happen when they reach puberty and start their menstrual cycle?  Oh, boy!

So today was one of those days where I desperately needed many deep breaths and clinching my mouth shut to stop me from screaming and losing it.  Okay, let’s be honest, I did scream and lose it once.  But I only lost it once out of the 70 times I felt like yelling and screaming.  So that’s good, no? 😉

But even though they test my patience every day, I still cherish these moments at the end of the day. (The key word is “at the end of the day”, and not during the tantrums and emotional meltdowns:)  Because all the things they’re unhappy or not content about, I can fix.  Because all their problems they have now are easily fixable by me.  If they’re whining about wanting more milk, I can get them more milk.  If they’re unhappy about the princess dress they just put on 5 seconds ago, I can put on another princess dress for them.  And another and then another princess dress after that, until they’re content(for 20 more minutes anyway).  If they’re crying because they can’t find their mermaid toy or their blankie, I can find it for them. If they’re frustrated they can’t reach something up high, I can get it down for them.  But I know there will come a day when they’re older and there will be many things I can’t fix when they’re sad or not content.  That there will be more things to my liking that I cannot control.  I can’t control how nice people will treat my girls.  I can’t control if they have a bad day at school or work.  I can’t control what kind of friends they hang out with.  I can’t control what kind of choices they’ll make, even the wrong ones.  I can’t control the consequences to their wrong decisions.  While I will always be there for them to listen and to comfort, and to remind them how strong, intelligent, and important they are, I can’t make their problems go away with just one more popsicle, one more hug and a kiss on the boo boo, with just holding them tightly and tickling them so they giggle and forget that they were just crying.  

And oh, how I will miss days like today when I could solve all their woes and cries.  Yes, I cherish days like today.

i was recently talking to my neighbor about whether we both wanted to have more kids and if so, when and she said to me, “i don’t know if i want to have more kids.  i don’t know if i should have anymore kids.  i’m not a very good mother, i really am not!  i get impatient with them, i yell at them, so maybe it’s better that i don’t have anymore kids.”  and i said to her, “i feel the exact same way!  i don’t know if i’ll be a good mother if i have more kids because i’m barely passing to be an ok mother now with just two!”  then i thought, if i feel this way and i thought i was the only one who felt this way, but my next door neighbor happens to feel the same way, then do all mothers feel this way?

the hardest thing for me with being a mother is not the physical part anymore since the pregnancy is over, giving birth is over, breastfeeding is over, running around the store chasing them is over(for the most part), but now it’s the emotional/mental part that is the hardest.  i get so mad and disappointed in myself when i lose my temper at my kids.  when they spill or make a mess over and over again, when they do something right after i tell them no and they do it over and over again, when they whine continuously and throw tantrums all day long, but mostly, when i try to get all three of us to nap together and it takes at least an hour of continuous fidgeting, fighting with each other over the same things everyday(mommy, she has more hair than me!(while i split my hair in half for them to play with), mommy, she keeps taking my blanket! mommy, she keeps starring at me! mommy, she keeps singing, she woke me up!) before they finally fall asleep.  and within that 1-1 1/2 hours i almost fall asleep about 5 times but each time waking up because of their cries/whines/screams, then that’s when i lose it.  

i don’t know why i put myself in that situation everyday but everyday i think oh, maybe it’ll be better today, maybe they’ll fall asleep good together today, but no, most of the time it ends up with me losing it and yelling and one of them crying before falling asleep.  it all started when my oldest daughter said to me one day, “mommy?  when you get a baby in your belly and when the baby comes out of your belly, can i sleep with him?  because daddy doesn’t sleep with me anymore, you don’t sleep with me, and ana doesn’t sleep with me.  so can i please sleep with the baby when he comes out of your belly?” -while tears are welling up in her eyes since i used to put her in bed by herself and then go to ana’s room to sleep with ana.  so yeah, since then, i try to sleep all together.  

i know deep inside making a mess and testing out the waters is just part of growing up and being a kid, and i know i lose it mostly at nap time because i’m super tired and delirious but still, at the moment i’m just not patient to remember all of that.  so then i get mad at them, and then i immediately get really mad at myself and get down on myself and think how i’m not a good mother, how i need to be more patient, more loving, more gentle, it’s a continuous cycle that keeps going.  i am not perfect enough, i’m not good enough, why can’t i always be patient and loving and soft-spoken?  so i keep beating myself up and i get sad and then i apologize to my kids and ask, “will you forgive me?”  and no matter what i’ve done, they always nod their head and accept my big hug and kiss immediately and giggle.  aw.  what angels they are.  and how i don’t deserve them.  

so one day, i was thinking about all of this and then a thought came to me.  well, more of a feeling i guess.  i felt for a moment what God felt towards us mothers and it was that he is grateful.  and proud.  that we are all good mothers.  whether we’re working mothers, single mothers, stay at home mothers, whether we breastfeed or bottlefeed, whether we spank or not spank, whether we home school or send them to public schools, whether we are patient or impatient, whether we feed kids cookies and milk for breakfast once because you were in a hurry and that was all you could come up with(what? i’ve never done that, why is that the first thing that came to my mind? 😉 we are all good mothers.  

we are all good mothers.  me and you.  

we as women feel inadequate many times(speaking for me anyway), but we are good enough.  every mother is a good mother.  no mother is perfect, we are all far from perfect and may feel inadequate.  but that’s normal since we are imperfect!  i would worry about you if you didn’t feel inadequate at times and thought you were a perfect mother!  the definition of adequate is “sufficient for a specific requirement”.  if you love your kids, you are a good mother.  if you are trying continuously to be a better mother, then you are a good mother.  and i can’t think of anymore things than those two things that makes a good mother.  so if you love your kids and you are continuously trying to be a better mother, then you are a sufficient mother.  a good enough mother.  a wonderful mother.  and God can’t ask for anymore than that.  

so this post is for every mother/future mother out there.  you are a wonderful mother.  and God is proud of you and grateful for you.

*(picture taken by my father in law, christmas 2008.  adi was just over a year old and i was 6 1/2 months pregnant with ana)

this is the most refreshing article i’ve read.

my favorite part is the end: either make a sincere effort to understand, or keep your snit to yourself.  oh, and also: it’s needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.  SO TRUE!

today, i’m just full out exhausted.  i had no time to make the costumes this past weekend because miss little a is pretty sick and we were busy taking care of her + slight procrastination(hehe) and miss A had her halloween performance at her school today which meant she had to wear her costume and i thought about just having her wear one of her many princess dresses she has but then i imagined her face and how sad and disappointed she’ll look in the morning when i tell her i didn’t make the costume so i stayed up from midnight to past 4 a.m making her costume.  and if you haven’t noticed when i’m tired i like to keep my sentences as long as possible without any commas or periods and just say it all out in one breathe.

the end.  (breathe.)

pictures of me and my girls at the petting zoo at thanksgiving point.

so when i walk into a room full of big mess, or see the kitchen with dirty dishes overflowing in the sink, or find my kids drawing/spilling everywhere, i quickly remember that this is all an important part of motherhood.  and not only is it feeding/clothing/raising my children,  it’s also teaching me about patience, service, selflessness, and love.  and those things are the most important “diplomas” i will ever earn than any other diplomas i may get in the future.