Life is Beautiful

Motherhood, Sewing, Family

What I wore when I was expecting

~ Etc.

dress: anthropologie | cardigan & shoes: target 
photographs by Jessica Peterson
This yellow lace dress is a non-maternity dress but I bought it 4 sizes bigger on purpose so that I could wear it while I’m pregnant.  I plan on altering it once I have the baby and return back to my pre-maternity size, however long that’ll take.  I’m actually a little nervous about this being my third pregnancy and how it’s suppose to be harder to get back in shape the more kids you have, but I guess I’ll worry about that after this baby’s out.  I also get nervous about having three kids because every single mother I’ve ever talked to has told me having three kids is by far the hardest and most overwhelming.  One is easy, two is manageable, three is super tough, and after that it doesn’t matter how many kids you have, they all seem to say.  One mother even told me(before I was pregnant with my third) not to have a third child and how I’ll regret it and to live my life instead because with three kids, my own life, goals and dreams would be over.  Another mother also told me when her third child was just a couple months old, to just stop at two kids because it was so hard.  I talked to a mutual friend several months later about how every single mother has told me how difficult having a third child is, and she told me she recently talked to one mother who said it was just the same as having two kids.  I asked who that mother was and guess what, it was the same mother that told me to just stop at two kids.  She must have deleted the difficult moments out of her memory and no longer remember!  No wonder why mothers keep having more kids, right?  It’s a big conspiracy, I’m telling you!
I used to get high anxiety about it where I would literally feel my heartbeat go faster and I had to take deep breathes to keep myself from feeling faint, but now I’m like, “Bring it on! It’s going to happen no matter what so I’m going on beast-mode and say I can do this!!” That attitude might change once the baby’s out, but you know, for now it helps with my sanity so I’m sticking to it!  
If any of you are mothers with three or more kids, feel free to send me some advice/reality along the way so I can prepare myself mentally.  Thank you.  Gracias.  Chao.   

First day of school

~ Etc.

My two girls had their first day of school today.  A few of my friends have asked me, “Oh, are you a little sad they’ll both be in school?”  I would reply, “What?  No, why would I be sad? I’m so excited!  I wish it was longer than just a couple of hours!”  When they asked me what I’ll do during that time, I  told them that on the very first day of school, I’m going to drop them off, come home, sit on the couch, and stare at the ceiling and do NOTHING for 2 hours. Absolutely nothing.  And it’s going to be fantastic.  
I was nothing but excited to have some free time up until… last night, when I realized they’ll both be starting school the next day.  I got teared up as I looked at my youngest and thought, she’s too young, where did the time go?  Then today when I dropped them off, I stayed for 20 minutes to make sure little ana was doing well, to make sure I was there when she got a little shy or nervous and wanted mommy.  But she did not, she happily waved good bye and ran to the teacher saying, “Teachuh, teachuh!” and never looked back.  As I starred into the classroom, I teared up a few times as many thoughts crossed my mind.  Did I teach her to be nice to everyone regardless of appearance or differences?  Did I teach her to stand up for other people who are getting made fun of?  Did I teach her to respect the teacher and to listen and obey?  Did I read to her enough?  She still seems so little, she’s my youngest, my little baby…
As I was wiping my tears away, I remembered my conversation I always have with my daughter Adi.  
me: “Adi, you promised me a long time ago that you would stop growing!  But you just keep getting so big and so smart, how come?!”
adi: (laughing)”Mommy! I can’t control my body!  It just keeps getting bigger!  But don’t worry mommy, you will always be my mommy and I’ll always be your little daughter.  And I’ll love you forever all the way to Las Vegas, all the way to auntie’s house, all the way to Hawaii, all the way to the moon.”
Well, Adi & Ana, mommy loves you all the way to Las Vegas and back, all the way to auntie’s house and back, all the way to Hawaii and back, and all the way to the moon and back, a million times over, forever and ever, even when the time stops still.

My kids love me!

~ Etc.

from right to left: daddy, mommy, ana, adi, and achilles(i think? i hope?).
{Shirt: GAP | Skirt: H&M}
One night my girls wanted to express how much they loved me.  So they drew bunch drawings and asked daddy to help tape them all over the wall.  Then they brought me “gifts” which were random things they found around the house.  And I couldn’t have asked for better gifts, how cute is that!
And I got a thank you card from one of my friends the other day.  I read it aloud to Jay and the girls during dinner time and after reading it I said, “Aw.  She always writes the sweetest cards.”  Then I see Adi looking at me for a little bit and then she whispers to dad, “Daddy! Come over here, I gotta tell you something!”  and they go into the living room.  For the next 15 minutes, they wouldn’t let me come near the living room and I hear them whispering the whole time.  So 15 minutes later, Adi comes runs to me beaming and says, “Mommy, mommy, look! I wrote you a thank you card!  I said it out loud and daddy wrote down everything I said, look!”  And indeed, it was a thank you card.  And it was one of the sweetest thank you cards I’ve ever received.  And I knew that’s what she wanted to hear(competitive, that one), so I made sure I told her many times how much I loved the card and how she writes the sweetest thank you card.  And only then did she look content before running off to play.  
Many times I feel like an inadequate mother.  There’s always something I could improve on, something I could work on, something I should do or not do, do more of or less of, something I shouldn’t have said or have said, and I beat myself over it.  But at the end of the day, I realize that the single most important thing I could do as a mother is to have them know that I love them immensely, without any measure.  No matter what.  No matter what they’ve done or will do in the future.  That my love is always constant, never changing.  That I will not judge them or withhold my love, but to always embrace them with open arms, especially when they’ve done something bad because that’s when they’ll need my love the most.  And with that one aspect of motherhood, I know I am doing a well job.  Well , so far anyway, but ask me again when they’re teenagers…

I am one burned out mama.

~ Etc.

Count yourself lucky that you weren’t around this grumpy mama yesterday.  It’s funny how you are doing so well, feeling like you’re doing pretty well with this whole motherhood thing, when it smacks you in the head and you realize, you are burned out to a crisp.  
After a long, long day, well, more like a long several months of filling everyone else’s canteen except for mine, I wanted nothing but peace and quiet, to relax and just be alone in my own home.  But that wasn’t possible, and I finally lost it when we were eating dinner and Jay had stepped out for a short while and the girls got in a fight.  I sat at the dinner table yelling, “I just want to eat dinner in peace for 5 minutes, is that too much to ask?  I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t cook, I can’t clean, I can’t poo, I can’t do anything without getting interrupted!!!  Someone always wants me to fix something, get something, refill something, reach something, wipe something, clean something, go do this, go do that, or get in a fight, or wants my constant attention, AHHHH, this is too much!!!  I just want peace for 5 minutes, without anybody asking me to do something for them!!!”  After I whined like a little girl, I plopped on the ground and cried like one too.  Then my two girls came and hugged me and cried with me.  Then Jay came and wrapped his huge arms around all three of us and cried sarcastically and mockingly, which then made me laugh for a short while, but then I quickly resumed back to my crying episode one, and two.  Three might happen any minute, yo better hide yo kids!
All three of them left me alone the rest of the night(well, not really, the girls kept coming to me saying, “mommy, look!  mommy, can you…” then I hear Jay in the background, “girls, come here! don’t talk to mom right now!”…smart guy), but I’m still burned out, I just can’t shake it off!  I’ve been telling Jay that he should take the girls on a weekend camping trip while I stay at home all by myself(honestly, no other vacation sounds better than for me to stay all alone at my house, is that weird?), so maybe after my episode last night, he’ll really take me up on it? (hint, hint, eh hem, cough cough!)
What do you do when you feel burned out? 

Adi’s school performance.

~ Etc.

Adi had her little performance at her school.  Her teacher told me Adi was really good and she was so impressed with Adi’s dance skills.  That’s my girl!
I’m so grateful they’re my girls.  Lately more than ever, I’m having so much fun with them.  I think it’s because they’re older now and they feel more like my little girlfriends, instead of before, where I felt like I was strictly their caregiver/mother all the time.  I was there to solely provide for their needs and wants, babytalk and entertain them, which was so fun, so sacred, and so previous on it’s own, but now I can have real conversations with them like friends!  It’s another level of a relationship that’s forming, on top of the mother-daughter relationship, to care for each other and be there for each other.  And it is so great.  I genuinely have so much fun with them, and not only do I love them because I’m their mother, I really like them and like hanging out with them.  
Thank you my two little girls, for being such good company.  And for making this mama so happy.