Motherhood Archives | Life is Beautiful

Never My Interruptions

October 4, 2018~ MOTHERHOOD, SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

I was annoyed by my kids all day. I had things to do but with their constant interruptions, I didn’t get it done until after 9pm, when I had it planned for it to be done by 1 pm. I’d be in the middle of my concentration and my 5-year old would spill a box of cereal, get in a fight with his friend, it’s his lunch time so I have to make him food, then get him ready to take him to preschool, constant questions, demands to look at him, listen to him, and play with him in between.

Then when all 3 kids got home, every 2 minutes one of them would come ask me a question or ask me to do something for them, and then 15 mins. before I had to leave to take my daughter to ukelele and then the pumpkin patch, while I was trying to get everything done before I left, Jay called to ask me something and let’s just say I wasn’t all warm and fuzzy towards him.

I can only answer so many questions and listen to so many stories and only do so much for everybody else except for me!!! I wanted to scream out.

My goal to get it done by 1 pm turned to 4 pm, then 6 pm because #momlife ukelele lesson and a fun outing I promised the kids, then 7:50 pm because #momlife I had to make dinner, and then the reality; it got done by 9:20 pm because #momlife tucked the kids in for bed and had a church meeting.

Do you get tired sometimes of the constant demands and the constant, never ending interruptions too?

As I felt frustrated and annoyed at how my schedule and my career suffers greatly because I’m a stay at home mom, I was reminded that my children, my family are never my interruptions, everything else is. It’s hard to remember in the midst of a due date or assignments and I’m still working on it but I know the truth is, they’re my main purpose in life and the biggest accomplishment I could ever achieve, and my most proud work I will ever do.

They’re my main focus and everything else is the distraction. #sharingmyheartwithyou

Why Are Kids So Selfish?

October 2, 2018~ MOTHERHOOD, SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

“Stop thinking about just yourself and start thinking about others!”, “Do you think you’re the only person in this world? You don’t think for one second what you’re doing might have an impact on other people’s lives?”

I’m ashamed to admit I yelled a variety of the above sentences to my kids this past week.

Why are kids so selfish? Why are they so self-centered and think the world revolves around them? Why don’t they realize they must be quiet because daddy is sleeping after working 100 hours this week on home building and at his work and desperately needs his sleep, only for them to forget 3 mins. later and start being so rambunctious? Why do they think I’m just sitting there doing absolutely nothing and just eagerly waiting for them to call upon me to come help them, as if I don’t have my own life and things to do?

All these thoughts have come to my mind, more so this week. Maybe because my aging mom is with us and she needs so much help, maybe because we broke ground and I have to pull my weight even more without Jay’s help, but I felt frustrated towards my kids more than usual.

‘Kids can only learn selflessness by watching you act selfless towards them. You’re with them the most so they learn from you the most on how to navigate this world. They can only learn kindness if they see you being kind. They learn to think about others as they watch you sacrifice and give to them and others around you. You’re their greatest example, teacher, and influence. So if you want to see them be selfless, first, you have to show it to them.’

This thought came to my mind and I was reminded of how important my job is. The traits I want my kids to have, I can only teach it to them if I show it to them by example. I am determined to have more patience and empathy towards my kids this new week as I hopefully lead by example. #sharingmyheartwithyoust

BALANCING MOTHERHOOD WITH AMBITION

July 10, 2018~ MOTHERHOOD, SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

Do any of you mamas out there with a lot of ambition struggle sometimes with motherhood? I struggle with it. I just told Jay a few mins. ago, “I would be 1000 times more successful in my career if I wasn’t a mother.” And I truly mean it. I really would be, without a doubt.

A small example is the best time for me to post on here is 9 pm when I reach the most people & get the best engagement. But do I ever get to post at that time? No, I can’t remember the last time I did. It’s 10:30 pm and I’m lying down with my son on his bed to put him to sleep. It’s Summer, it gets dark at 9:30 pm here so we lose track of time, then it’s already 10 when they’re getting ready for bed and I’m a little antsy because I wanted to post a lot earlier but now it’s so late so when we have a family prayer I’m antsy, I’m antsy & eager as I sing to my son, I’m antsy as I tell my kids good night. I get a little resentful at Jay and think how dang lucky he is that he can separate work and home life, how he can focus 100% on his career when he goes to work 8 hours a day + travels to China almost once a month, then he comes home and can leave work aside and focus on our family. With me, I don’t have the luxury to separate my career and motherhood since I work at home without a nanny, babysitter, family, or a maid. People debate which is harder, working moms or stay at home moms but moms who stay home and work while doing both at the same time have it the hardest! But I think single mothers have it the toughest of all so I probably shouldn’t complain. But you know that’s not me so here I am.

I feel I am only giving 35% into my career. I wonder where I’d be if I could give 100%. But then I realize my kids are the greatest career I’ll ever have. They’re my most proud work I’ve ever done and ever will. And I’ll never regret on my deathbed that I wished I posted more at 9 pm on IG or that I only gave my mediocre 35% into my career right now while they’re young & wished I focused less on my children. So I’ll keep giving my 35% & my time will come when they’re older. I can wait. It’ll be worth the wait.

Now your turn, how much do you think you’re giving to your ambition/passion/career?

I CONSTANTLY FEEL I’M FAILING

May 4, 2018~ SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

when my boy was a baby. oh my heart.

A friend emailed me today sharing how guilty she feels as a mother, as she started going back to work recently. She told me she feels like she’s failing constantly as a mother and as an employee so this is what I wrote to her and it’s something I needed to hear for myself as well. So I thought there might be someone else that might feel the same way at times.

I constantly feel like I’m failing at home and with my blog/Youtube. I think that’s what many mothers feels like, if not all, so we are not alone! I can never give my full attention, passion, time and energy into one thing, it’s always gotta be divided up in many increments and sacrifices made on either side. So I feel I can only give my mediocre attempt at anything that I do. I feel I would be soooo much more successful if I could dedicate all my time and focus into my blog and sometimes it makes me bitter that I can’t. But I make do and motherhood and my blog both gets sacrificed at times. Doing our best in whatever we do in a mediocre way is good enough. It’s actually a sign we are doing it just perfectly, it means we are trying to balance our priorities out! If we did focus all our attention, time and energy into just one thing, we wouldn’t be happy. If we focused everything on motherhood, we’d get burnt out and not feel fulfilled. Nor is it healthy! If we focused everything on our career, it means we are neglecting our family. So giving our best in all the areas we care about, albeit feeling like it’s mediocre and not our all, is a sign we are doing it perfectly! Perfectly imperfect and beautiful. It’s the best we can do and to God, that’s more than good enough for him, it’s all he can ask of us to do.

Think of all the things you do for your kids, you’re a wonderful mom and the kids know you love them with all your heart. That’s the most important thing a mother can do, being a good person and loving their kids unconditionally. The person that you are will shape your kids way, way more than whether one works or not, bottle feeds or breastfeeds, feeds them organic or not, or reads to their kids everyday. You are a very good person and your kids undoubtedly know you love them with everything that you are so you are excelling in those two most important areas which means you are doing it just right! You are a great mother. You are doing it perfectly.

BEAUTIFY WHERE YOU ARE

April 23, 2018~ HOME, MOTHERHOOD, SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

I was the meanest mom the other day. We had to leave the house for the kids’ extra curricular activities with 10 mins. to spare. I thought to myself, ‘Oh good, I can straighten my hair and grab something to eat in the car.” But right then, my daughter came and asked if I could cut her bangs. I should’ve just told her I’d do it when we get home later that night. But I begrudgingly said fine and started snapping her hair. I was so irritated. I was hungry, I was sleepy, I looked like crap, I thought I had 10 mins. to do something for me, but nope! The story of my life. Between 3 kids, it’s non-stop questions, non-stop paying attention, non-stop requests. It is exhausting. That’s the word to describe motherhood perfectly, don’t you think? If we are being a pessimist for a sec. here? Have you ever been responsible for something that makes you as exhausted mentally, spiritually & physically, in every realm of your being? I don’t think so.

Then I snapped. “Ugh, don’t ask me to do something for you 10 mins. before we have to leave somewhere! Do you think I have nothing to do and I just stand around the house waiting for you guys to call my name for help? I have things to do too, I have a life of my own!” My inner-voice told me at this moment that this wasn’t her fault, that I was acting out on my own frustrations and anger towards myself to her. I knew I should stop. But I let the anger carry me on. She tried to walk away but I said sternly, “Come back here.” and made her come back. As I continued cutting her hair I said, “I was going to do MY hair, I was going to grab something to eat because I ate a yogurt today and that’s it, I had plans within these 10 mins. that I’m now spending on you!!!”

Then I saw a tear slowly roll down my beautiful, sweet girl’s face. My amazing, obedient, easiest child a parent could ask for. My heart crushed and I. felt. like. the. biggest. failure. I hated myself so much at that moment. The hatred and the anger I felt for myself was so intense. This was my meanest moment as a mother. I was so ashamed. Then I felt so much anger at motherhood. The endless emotional roller-coaster of frustration, anger, losing it and yelling, then instant shame, regret and guilt, then anger and hatred towards myself. Here we go again.

As I was beating myself up and feeling the lowest of lows as a mother, a thought came to me.

“Forgive yourself immediately and start beautifying right where you are.” Feeling guilt is necessary in order to motivate us to change. But as soon as we feel the guilt and we realize the wrong we have done and feel remorse, this is when we need to promptly forgive ourselves. And start beautifying our surroundings, no matter how much bad we’ve done or how low we might be. Have you ever had a moment where you made a mistake and then said to yourself, “I have already sinned, it’s too late, might as well keep sinning because I am a big failure, it’s too late now?” Well, THAT IS NOT TRUE! Two wrongs don’t make a right! One minute of sinning vs. two minutes of sinning are completely different. One minute of sinning is half of the sin as 2 mins. of sinning. You can stop at any second, that’s better than keep doing the sin. And beating ourselves more than necessary and feeling the guilt a second longer than it’s necessary is also a big mistake. The moment we feel sorry and feel remorse and vow to ourselves to do better, that is the very moment we need to forgive ourselves. And focus on beautifying our surroundings. Because if we keep focusing on our guilt, we can’t beautify. That’s how the adversity tries to get us to not progress. To get us stuck in the unnecessary stage of ongoing guilt and shame.

A few hours later, I saw how my big mistake beautified the day that much more. Since I felt so sorry for what I had done, I apologized to my daughter several times and asked for her forgiveness. I told her how every time I get mad at her, it’s always me and never her. That I am still trying to act in situations instead of reacting, to control the spurts of emotions that are not positive. I kissed her more. I hugged her more. I told her the wonderful qualities I admired in her. I paid more attention to her. I was more gentle and loving towards her. I felt very humbled and asked God to help me be more patient and strong. I saw how beautiful my life was. And how wonderful my husband and kids are and how much I loved and cherished my family. I felt immense peace, joy and humility. What a beautiful surrounding I had created the rest of the day from a single moment of mistake.

So next time you make a mistake, don’t keep doing it. Stop immediately. Then let the guilt motivate you to do better. Then immediately forgive yourself and start beautifying right where you are.

If you enjoyed this post, read more of my #sharingmyheartwithyoust posts.