Life is Beautiful

Motherhood, Sewing, Family

She melts my heart

~ Etc.

I went to Adi’s school twice, the first time to drop off a poster at her school and the second time to eat lunch with her on her birthday.  The first time, after dropping off the poster in her classroom, I went to the playground to find her and being the sweet and caring girl that she is, she was pushing a friend on the swing.  I called out her name and her face just lit up and she smiled so big and started screaming and ran towards me as fast as she could.  I held her and hugged her and she gave me a kiss.  All in front of her friends!  

Then the second time, I went and ate lunch with her at her school and brought her waffle love, at her request.  We also made little gift bags for her classmates for her to hand out.  When I parked my car in front of the school, the school called me at Adi’s request because she was waiting for me to come eat lunch with her and she wondered where I was(I was literally a minute late).  Then she ran out the front door of the school and ran towards me to hug me and she was so excited.  She took me to the lunchroom where she had two seats saved right in the middle of the table among her classmates and  we ate lunch while we talked and I got to know her closest friends from her class.  There was still 20 mins. left of lunch and  she asked me to stay and play with her until lunch was over, so I did.  I had 9 kids chasing me around as we played tag where I was the bear.  And when the bell rang letting them know it was time to go back inside, she just held me tight and started to get teary eyed and told me she didn’t want me to leave!  My heart was melting!  She held me forever and I had to walk her to her classroom.  A few of her friends told me I should stay with them and they all chanted yes when I asked them, “Should I pretend I am a 6-7 year old and stay with you guys?  I look like I’m your age, don’t I?” and Adi was pretty serious about me pretending to be a student and staying with her.  But I had to let her go and we waved goodbye until we could no longer see each other.  On the way to my car, I cried because 1. She is just the sweetest and I love her so much. 2. 1st graders are gone way too long when they’re still so little, I miss her so much in the day. 3. It won’t be long until she’s not as excited or proud to have me around in front of her friends and at school.  
I love my little girl.  I wish she could stay this little forever.  Oh wait, I have her on video saying a verbal contract that she would never get married and live with me and dad forever!  So I guess that solves the problem. 😉

Two regrets this week as a mother

~ Etc.

I’ve had two regrets this past week that I couldn’t seem to shake off.  The first one was when Adi had a VIP week and all week long she was the VIP where they spent a few minutes each day talking about her favorite things.  Then on the last day of the week, we all came to her classroom(Jay, me, Ana, Aiden & Achilles) and talked about where we’re from, our favorite stories about Adi and some things we like to do as a family.  Adi picked out this camping quiet book to bring to show to her class and I was the spokesperson for the family.  Last year in her Kindergarten class, she had a VIP week also and we all came to her classroom and it lasted about 3 mins.  We basically introduced ourselves and that was it.  So thinking it was only going to be a few minutes this time, I was feeling rushed.  But I wish the teacher had told me how long we’d be there because we were there for about 20 mins.!  But not knowing how long we’d be there, and after sharing two cute stories about Adi, pointing to the map where we’re from, letting everyone pet Achilles, I quickly opened up the camping book and began to show the students.  There’s a part in the book that has a lamp that lights up and right when I was about to press the light and show it, Adi tugged at the book and said, “I want to press it!”  I gently pushed her hand away and said authoritatively, “No, Adi, let me just quickly show it.” and turned on the lamp light.  I heard Adi let out a short sigh in disappointment.

After it was over, and that night when I lied down in bed, I thought about the day and anything I need to work on(I do this every night) and this instance came to my mind and I instantly felt regret and guilt.  ‘Why didn’t I just let Adi press the light?  It wasn’t even a big deal, and she was so excited to show her friends that the lamp turned on, why didn’t I let her?  What did I gain from pressing it myself and not letting her do it?’  For several days, I felt constant guilt in my heart and I kept reprimanding myself.

Then a few days later we went to her friend’s birthday party.  It was a Princess tea party by a pond.  After the party was over, the kids were playing by the pond and next thing I know, Adi comes up to me drenched!  She had fallen in the pond.  I laughed at first but was a little irritated because I had just cleaned off Aiden and I was PMS’ing and so tired, and was getting weary of wiping and cleaning the kids continuously.  Then she tried to hug me so I could get wet too and I backed away telling her no.  As I was getting something to dry her off with, she came and hugged me, getting me all wet!  I scolded her, “Adi! I told you to not get me wet!  Ugh, now I have dirty pond water all over my clothes!”and then when I sprayed her with clean water, she grabbed the hose and splashed me, laughing the whole time.  I scolded her again!  Why can’t she just listen?  I thought.

Well, that night as I was self-analyzing how I spent the day and what I could improve on, I thought of this instance and immediately felt regret and guilt.  ‘Oh, was Adi embarrassed so she tried to make light of the situation by getting me wet and splashing me, trying to make it funny and making her friends laugh?  She probably was embarrassed, she had fallen in the pond!  Why did I get annoyed?  I should’ve just laughed it off and tried to make her feel better.  Ugh, I suck.  I need to be better at being patient and not scolding the kids in front of other people, especially in front of their friends.”

So while still feeling guilty and regretful the next day, I realized that I could repent and have this constant guilt and regret go away!  So I prayed to God and asked for forgiveness, and promised him that I would do better next time, to try to think in my kids’s shoes so I can accommodate their needs and feelings accordingly.  And I went up to Adi and while we cuddled in bed, I told her I was sorry for those two instances.  That I’ve been feeling bad all week about it.  She said to me, “Mom, I didn’t care about pressing the lamp, you didn’t make me sad!  Mommy, I wasn’t embarrassed when I fell in the pond,  I just thought it would be funny!”  I asked her a couple more times, are you sure you weren’t embarrassed?  Are you sure you didn’t feel even a little sad that I didn’t let you press the lamp light?  “No mom, I wasn’t sad at all.  In real life!”  She says “in real life” instead of “For real, I promise!”

So was I a little too hard on myself?  Maybe.  I could’ve just explained her my feelings and apologized to her right after it happened, that would’ve spared me a week long of guilt!

I am grateful for the purity and the innocence of little kids.  They forget and forgive so easily, and don’t hold a grudge.  I am so grateful I get to be a mother to 3 kids who are such a joy in my life.  My life has so much more conviction, meaning, and happiness because of them.  I am also grateful, so grateful for a God who is also so forgiving.  I know God is real because only a higher being, a higher being who is kind and merciful and good can take my guilt away in an instant.  No power on earth can do that.

So if any of you are feeling guilty about something as a mother, go and apologize to your kids!  They’ll forgive and forget so easily.  They probably have already forgotten about it.  And give yourself more credit as a mother.  We are too hard on ourselves.  You are doing a wonderful job.  You are a wonderful mother.

I've been resenting motherhood lately, and I don't like being a stay at home mom. Oops, I said it.

~ Etc.


The kids were in bed by 8:30 p.m. tonight.  We like them to be in bed by 8 p.m, but my parents seemed a little down lately so I took everyone out to dinner while Jay was at class(yes, he went back to school which is awesome).  As I was lying down with Aiden and feeding him milk to put him to sleep, I made a mental checklist of all the things I need/want to do as soon as he fell asleep such as answering emails, washing plethora of dishes(I swear this is what I spend the most of my day on-washing dishes 5-10 times a day), tidying up the kitchen, order prints online for Adi’s school project, watch one of my favorite shows Goldberg’s.  You see, I get so excited at night when the kids go to bed.  It is finally MY time!  I don’t need to hear “Mom, mom, mom!” every 20 seconds and help someone else, I can do what I want to do.  Well, after the cleaning, washing the dishes, helping my kid’s homework, that is.  
I’ve said this before but we are the worst sleep trainers and have had one of us sleep with all three of our children until they were like three.  We are too weak to let them cry it out.  It just eats my heart inside when I hear them cry so desperately.  It doesn’t help that they were all angel babies and so happy, chill and content and hardly cries in the day, if at all.  So when they do cry, crying for one of us to come be near them, I just can’t take it, I have to go make them happy again.  To not hear their sad little cries one second longer.  Well, it’s 10:45 pm and I am finally having some alone time.  Aiden woke up FOUR times between 8 pm – 10:30 pm.  So I went and lied with him 4 times, only having the time to barely wash the dishes in between.  Blogging is the last thing I should do, but I just need to do something for myself right now before I go insane.  
I hate to admit this and I’m hesitant and nervous in saying this but I have been resenting motherhood lately.  It’s only spurts of moments and most of the time I do love it, and It is no resentment towards my kids whatsoever, my resentment or bitterness is never towards them(because oh my goodness, I love them so much.  I have nothing to complain about, they’re such good, amazing kids) but just at myself.  How I can’t find the time to do everything I want to do.  How motherhood requires me to be so selfless, even more selfless than when I had two kids, but there are so many dreams and ambitions I have!  I have so many.  I want to conquer the world pretty much.  More lately than ever, I’ve been having so much urge for my ambitions that I am constantly stuffing it back in the bottle, but it keeps spewing out.  So when I am constantly reminded that I can’t do this, I can’t do that, I can’t pursue this dream, I can’t go for that dream, it just makes me anxious.  And bitter.  And resentful.  Is it too much to ask to do what I want to do?  No, it’s not.  I have every right to pursue my dreams.  I realize my kids are my greatest passions by far, and nothing else is more important right now than to be there for my kids and raise them, but why can’t I just have it all?  Why can’t I raise kids and pursue my dreams?  
I loved being a stay at home mom when I had two kids.  One kid was nothing.  Now when I only have Aiden, it’s like having no child at all.  Two kids for me was perfectly manageable and perfectly balance-able.  I was able to be a stay at home mom and also have time for myself and time to pursue my many ambitions.  With three kids, I can’t pursue them all.  I would love to sew weekly and post them weekly on the blog, I would love to start my clothing line, I would love to take up on the book offer I received a year ago and actually have the time to write a book(how can I write a book and have it be mostly new content when I want to post sewing DIY’s on the blog to grow my blog?), I would love to make my blog so much cooler and make it grow exponentially, I would love to have a part time job, I would love to hang out with my parents everyday and cook for them everyday, to name a few.  It’s impossible to do all these things at once right now but I really want to.  I so wish I could.  But I can’t, and that makes me a little bitter.  I don’t like being a stay at home mom anymore.  There, I said it.  Maybe it’s a phase, maybe when Aiden is a little older, it’ll go away.  I actually do love the “mothering” part of being a stay at home mom, of playing with them, taking care of them, spending time with them, but I hate the washing, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking part.  I recently read an article about a dad who thought stay at home mothers had it so easy, until he became a stay at home dad.  He said for the first week, he had it.  Then starting the second week, it smacked him in the face and he found it to be the most difficult job he’s ever done and he sincerely apologized to his wife and all the mothers out there.  He said he has no idea how he did it that first week.  Well, I know exactly how, it’s because that first week his wife probably had cleaned the house, went grocery shopping and stocked the refrigerator.  He didn’t have to plan breakfast, lunch & dinner menus for the week, go grocery shopping to buy all the ingredients, and it was only a week so he just had to tidy up here and there, not cleaning the bathrooms, and laundry hasn’t piled up yet.  It’s the 2nd week when you have to do all those things while being a parent and meeting their high demands at the same exact time that is hard.  When I was a nanny at 12 years old to a 7 year old girl and a 1 1/2 yr. old boy from 7:30-5:00 pm every day of the Summer, I never thought it was hard.  So when I got married and became a mom, I thought, “Oh, I got this motherhood thing down, I was a nanny since I was 12!” But oh boy, I know now that the reason why I didn’t think it was hard was because all I had to do was play with them, feed them the prepared lunch(they were already fed with breakfast when I would arrive), and just be there.  I didn’t have to clean, run errands, go grocery shopping, plan menus, do laundry, any of that.  If you only have to play with the kids and do no chores, parenting is easy.  But combine parenting with all the responsibilities that come with parenting, it makes it the hardest job in the world.
I don’t know where I am going with this, I am just writing down my thought process.  Maybe I need to give up some things in life such as blogging?  I’ve “put a pause”(such a better term than “giving up “) in publishing a book & getting a part time job, but do I need to give up, I mean put a pause on more things?  I am so behind so many blog posts because we do so many fun things as a family, should I stop posting about the family stuff and only blog about my sewing, and fashion?  Can you tell me what you would prefer my blog to be?  Should it change to sewing & fashion and tidbits of my thoughts on motherhood, and no more about my family, or should it stay the same?  Do you like reading about my family adventures?  I would love to get your feed back, pretty please.  Don’t comment if you hate when I vent about motherhood, I’ll then take that as a sign and stop writing these posts. 🙂
I know I can get personal on here(only personal about myself, never about my kids or my husband), but I obviously have thick skin and don’t care what people think because I keep writing about my weak moments and my imperfections.  I know who I am and I know I am an excellent person of character and I believe that is precisely the reason why I feel comfortable talking about my imperfections, weaknesses and the struggles.  Because what I share with you are my most weak, shameful moments.  Having this shameful thought that I resent motherhood and I don’t like being a stay at home mom?  It’s one of the worst things I’ve done/thought of for the last 7 years.  If I knew I was a horrible person and didn’t have the self confidence in knowing that I was a good person, I would hide all these stories and keep it to myself!  But if this is the worst thing I’ve ever done, I think that makes me a pretty good person, no?  Haha.  I feel funny saying that, but it’s true.  I know I am a very good person, God knows I am a very good person, I have nothing to hide, and I am confident in myself, enough to share the ugliest part about myself on the internet.  I share this so that people can relate and realize, nobody is perfect.  We all have moments of regret as a mother and we’re already so hard on ourselves and feel guilty constantly that we’re not a better mom, so and so seems to have it all together, I bet so and so never yells at their kid, I am the worst mother in the world…  The thing is, we all have these moments.  Every single one of us mothers.  We’ve all done things we regret to our kids.  We are imperfect.  We are bound to make mistakes.  Being a mother is so joyful and wonderful, but there’s opposition in all things and it can also be so frustrating and hard at times.  We all have shameful moments as mothers.  We just don’t share our shameful moments with each other and keep it a secret.  Even with my closest girlfriends, I can only name one friend who will openly share with me her biggest mistakes, her biggest regrets.  All my other girlfriends I never hear about any of it.  Well, if I’m the only one sharing my shameful moments as a mother, then so be it.  If it ruins my reputation, so be it.  I do not write this blog to gain readership and earn money,, that is not my priority.  I share my weak moments with you so that you can realize that we all have done stuff that’s bad to our kids.  We know what you are feeling, we have been there.  And you are not the only mother that does regretful things so forgive yourself quickly and move on!  Promise yourself to be a better mother and be the better mother today!  Don’t let the past and the guilt drown you to the point that you give up being the good mother or stop you from improving.  My friend texted me last night saying, “Ugh, you’ve inspired me yet again.  Why you gotta be such a great mom?” referring to my previous blog post about carrying my two girls as much as possible before they get too big to do so.  Well Kea, this is for you.  Do you take your words back now? 😉  

The thing is, we all have our struggles and imperfections.  Life kinda sucks sometimes for every single person.  Let’s stop playing the “My life is so perfect game”, shall we?  It’s getting really old.

Dear my birthday boy.

~ Etc.

The very first pictures of Aiden: 
And now a year later:
To my dearest Aiden, the birthday boy.  Today was your birthday.  We didn’t throw you a big birthday party, I hope that’s okay with you.  I didn’t even make you a cake, I hope you don’t mind.  
Grandma had cataract surgery yesterday so we decided to postpone your party to later this week but while I was grocery shopping earlier today in the late afternoon, I decided to just go ahead and throw you a little party tonight, nothing fancy, just your sisters, daddy, me, grandma & grandpa and your uncle Mike.  I was planning on bringing fish tacos to your grandparents’ for dinner tonight(they’ve been needing extra help and care ever since they returned from Korea) so I decided to keep the same menu and then make a simple cake.  I bought an angel food cake and whipping cream to make homemade whipped cream(so I can make it not too sweet so it doesn’t upset your stomach eating cake for the first time!).  When we got home and I put you down for a nap(I had to lie with you for over an hour before you finally fell asleep), I made fish tacos and whipped cream, and planned on decorating the cake once we got to your grandparents’ house.  We packed all the food and got everyone ready and was pretty much all ready to go but….. we couldn’t find your Korean traditional costume that you were suppose to wear at the party.  We looked in every single room and every closet, every box, but never found it.  We were planning on doing this Korean traditional ritual with you and needed the costume.  So I decided we’d just go to your grandparents’ house to eat dinner with them, and do the cake and the ritual later this week.  Once we got there, I found out my dad(your grandpa) didn’t even eat lunch because he thought I was going to bring this big feast for dinner since it was your birthday.  But all I made were fish tacos.  No appetizers or any other side dishes, just fish tacos.  They were good fish tacos but I felt bad that my dad had skipped lunch because he was expecting a big fancy feast for dinner.  I felt like I failed you and my dad.  I thought about going ahead and decorating the cake for you to at least eat the cake, but I thought about having to make another cake a few days later and decided to just save the cake for later, when we find your costume(I’m hoping we’ll find it) and do the ritual.  I’ve been so overwhelmed with life lately that the thought of making another cake just gave me more anxiety.  
After we ate our not-fancy dinner, we put a dollop of whipped cream & raspberries on a plate and sang you a birthday song and let you go for it.  Grandma kept saying, “Oh, I wish I had bought him a cake!” because she felt bad you didn’t get cake but a dollop of whipped cream instead, not even with a candle.  You didn’t seem to mind it and loved the whipped cream!  You tried to feed your sister Adi and got it all over her face, and on daddy’s arm.  Daddy bathed you in the sink and when we got home I put you to sleep.  You fell asleep plopped on my stomach and after I lied you gently on your pillow, I couldn’t stop smelling you and kissing you.  You are my one year old boy now.  You are growing up way too fast, my sweet little boy.  You can wave bye, clap, you look to the window when I say, “Achilles!” and stretch your neck out with wide eyes to look for our dog, you smile constantly and we call you Mr. Smiles.  You can say “Uh oh, mama, ppa(you’re trying to say appa which means daddy in Korean), your favorite thing to do is eat and cuddle, and boy can you eat!  And cuddle!  People love holding you because no matter who reaches out to hold you, you open up your arms and lean towards them and when they hold you, you rest your head on their shoulders.  You melt all their hearts and you even made one gentleman teary-eyed at church.  He always told me how cute you were and how smiley you were and then he would say, “But I bet he won’t like me, all babies hate me, I make them cry!  They’re scared of me, every one of them!”  So I told him I was going to prove him wrong and brought you to him.  Undoubtedly, you opened your arms and leaned towards him to have him hold you and when he did, you cuddled with him and rested your head on his shoulder.  Then you lifted your head back to see his face and then rested right back on his shoulder, and repeated it about two more times.  The man’s heart just melted and he held you tight and smiled so big the whole time, with his eyes teary!  You make everyone happy, but mostly you make mommy and daddy the happiest since we get to be with you the most.  Your sisters adore you and greet you every morning with screams, excitement and hugs.  You sure are very loved.
Mommy is trying so hard to be a great mom to you and even though I feel guilty constantly that I can’t do it all or how I should do this and shouldn’t do that, I want you to know that I am so happy I have you.  Three kids has been so difficult for me, like mind blowing, overwhelmingly hard, I cry a lot and have anxiety attacks(I’ve never had anxiety attacks before I had 3 kids!) hard, but I am so glad I decided to have a third child because it is you.  Mommy loves you.  Infinitely. 

When they go to bed I feel guilty

~ Etc.

It’s fifteen minutes past midnight on a Saturday night and my husband is still at work.  Let’s just say it’s been a loooooooong day(a long 10 days actually but let’s not talk about that, let’s talk about today).  
Earlier today in the late afternoon, my two girls and their friends went on a flower hunt and returned home with a bucket full of flowers.  I’ve had talks with them about how you don’t pull flowers from someone else’s house and they know better not to, and they told me they found these flowers on an abandoned lot(so they say).  They excitedly showed me all the flowers while I was chopping and blending food for my 8 month old baby, and demanded I look at all the flowers they were showing me.  “Mom, you’re not looking!” they would say.  Then my 5 year old daughter would grab two flowers and ask me which flower I liked best, then when I picked one, she would grab another flower and ask me which one I liked best, and so forth.  I was doing my best to glance for a sec. to tell her my preference, as I was warming up the baby food and getting it ready to feed my antsy, whimpering, hungry and sick with roseola 8 month old who was watching me like a hawk with his desperate eyes.  “Mom, which one do you like better?  Mom, mom, mom, you didn’t look!”  so I glanced down quickly and told her, “I like the pink one better.”  “Mom, mom, which one do you like better now?  mom! mom! mom! you didn’t look!”  “Ana, I cannot look right now!”  I snapped at her.  Then she quickly went away.  My eyes followed her to make sure she wasn’t sad or crying(she is very very sensitive and if I speak in even a tiny remotely negative tone, she usually cries), and she seemed fine so I resumed back to making the food for the baby.  Then Adi came with a bunch of flowers she’s holding with a rubber band.  “Mom, could you tie these flowers together?”  I grabbed the flowers and the rubber band and tried to put the rubber band around the bunches of flowers.  But with the flowers being all different lengths, and some being really tiny, the flowers kept falling on the ground as I tried to gather them to tie together.  “Adi! Don’t ask me to do this right now!” I snapped at her as I gave the flowers back to her.  “Okay, mom….” she said as she quickly went away too.  
We had a normal rest of the day, I made dinner and ate dinner with the girls, and then we had a little girls’ night by watching a movie and eating gelato.  I got them ready for bed and we did our bedtime routine and everything was fine.  I was able to put Aiden down for the night a little after 10 pm, and exhausted, I came to the kitchen to clean up.  Then I saw the bucket of flowers and my heart stung.  Adi had put all the flowers back in the bucket, just like how it was when she came back from the flower hunt.  I even saw the rubber band in the bucket, the one I tried to put around the flowers to make a little bouquet before I snapped at her and gave it back to her.  She never figured out how she could make little bouquets by herself so she gave up and put the flowers back in the bucket.  And now she’s in bed, too late for me to teach her or help her now.  Oh, what a terrible mother I was.  I feel like such a terrible mother sometimes.  Times when I snap at them and then after they go to bed, I remember how I became short with them and I feel the immense guilt and shame.  Then I cry and go to their bed and see their sweet, innocent faces sleeping soundly like angels and how much worse I feel.  Then I kiss them and kiss them with my tears as I whisper in my heart, ‘I’m sorry little one, I’m sorry I was mean to you earlier today.”  and vow to myself to make it up to them tomorrow, to promise myself to be more patient and loving next time.  To remember to tell them that I am sorry, and how much I love them.  
So past midnight here I sat in my kitchen, making little flower bouquets for my little Adi. Adi, I’m sorry I became short with you earlier today.  You too Ana buns.  Mommy is trying her very best to do it all, but it’s really hard for me sometimes, actually most of the time. But mommy is always trying to be better and I love you to the moon and back.  I hope you always, always remember that.