The kids were in bed by 8:30 p.m. tonight. We like them to be in bed by 8 p.m, but my parents seemed a little down lately so I took everyone out to dinner while Jay was at class(yes, he went back to school which is awesome). As I was lying down with Aiden and feeding him milk to put him to sleep, I made a mental checklist of all the things I need/want to do as soon as he fell asleep such as answering emails, washing plethora of dishes(I swear this is what I spend the most of my day on-washing dishes 5-10 times a day), tidying up the kitchen, order prints online for Adi’s school project, watch one of my favorite shows Goldberg’s. You see, I get so excited at night when the kids go to bed. It is finally MY time! I don’t need to hear “Mom, mom, mom!” every 20 seconds and help someone else, I can do what I want to do. Well, after the cleaning, washing the dishes, helping my kid’s homework, that is.
I’ve said this before but we are the worst sleep trainers and have had one of us sleep with all three of our children until they were like three. We are too weak to let them cry it out. It just eats my heart inside when I hear them cry so desperately. It doesn’t help that they were all angel babies and so happy, chill and content and hardly cries in the day, if at all. So when they do cry, crying for one of us to come be near them, I just can’t take it, I have to go make them happy again. To not hear their sad little cries one second longer. Well, it’s 10:45 pm and I am finally having some alone time. Aiden woke up FOUR times between 8 pm – 10:30 pm. So I went and lied with him 4 times, only having the time to barely wash the dishes in between. Blogging is the last thing I should do, but I just need to do something for myself right now before I go insane.
I hate to admit this and I’m hesitant and nervous in saying this but I have been resenting motherhood lately. It’s only spurts of moments and most of the time I do love it, and It is no resentment towards my kids whatsoever, my resentment or bitterness is never towards them(because oh my goodness, I love them so much. I have nothing to complain about, they’re such good, amazing kids) but just at myself. How I can’t find the time to do everything I want to do. How motherhood requires me to be so selfless, even more selfless than when I had two kids, but there are so many dreams and ambitions I have! I have so many. I want to conquer the world pretty much. More lately than ever, I’ve been having so much urge for my ambitions that I am constantly stuffing it back in the bottle, but it keeps spewing out. So when I am constantly reminded that I can’t do this, I can’t do that, I can’t pursue this dream, I can’t go for that dream, it just makes me anxious. And bitter. And resentful. Is it too much to ask to do what I want to do? No, it’s not. I have every right to pursue my dreams. I realize my kids are my greatest passions by far, and nothing else is more important right now than to be there for my kids and raise them, but why can’t I just have it all? Why can’t I raise kids and pursue my dreams?
I loved being a stay at home mom when I had two kids. One kid was nothing. Now when I only have Aiden, it’s like having no child at all. Two kids for me was perfectly manageable and perfectly balance-able. I was able to be a stay at home mom and also have time for myself and time to pursue my many ambitions. With three kids, I can’t pursue them all. I would love to sew weekly and post them weekly on the blog, I would love to start my clothing line, I would love to take up on the book offer I received a year ago and actually have the time to write a book(how can I write a book and have it be mostly new content when I want to post sewing DIY’s on the blog to grow my blog?), I would love to make my blog so much cooler and make it grow exponentially, I would love to have a part time job, I would love to hang out with my parents everyday and cook for them everyday, to name a few. It’s impossible to do all these things at once right now but I really want to. I so wish I could. But I can’t, and that makes me a little bitter. I don’t like being a stay at home mom anymore. There, I said it. Maybe it’s a phase, maybe when Aiden is a little older, it’ll go away. I actually do love the “mothering” part of being a stay at home mom, of playing with them, taking care of them, spending time with them, but I hate the washing, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking part. I recently read an article about a dad who thought stay at home mothers had it so easy, until he became a stay at home dad. He said for the first week, he had it. Then starting the second week, it smacked him in the face and he found it to be the most difficult job he’s ever done and he sincerely apologized to his wife and all the mothers out there. He said he has no idea how he did it that first week. Well, I know exactly how, it’s because that first week his wife probably had cleaned the house, went grocery shopping and stocked the refrigerator. He didn’t have to plan breakfast, lunch & dinner menus for the week, go grocery shopping to buy all the ingredients, and it was only a week so he just had to tidy up here and there, not cleaning the bathrooms, and laundry hasn’t piled up yet. It’s the 2nd week when you have to do all those things while being a parent and meeting their high demands at the same exact time that is hard. When I was a nanny at 12 years old to a 7 year old girl and a 1 1/2 yr. old boy from 7:30-5:00 pm every day of the Summer, I never thought it was hard. So when I got married and became a mom, I thought, “Oh, I got this motherhood thing down, I was a nanny since I was 12!” But oh boy, I know now that the reason why I didn’t think it was hard was because all I had to do was play with them, feed them the prepared lunch(they were already fed with breakfast when I would arrive), and just be there. I didn’t have to clean, run errands, go grocery shopping, plan menus, do laundry, any of that. If you only have to play with the kids and do no chores, parenting is easy. But combine parenting with all the responsibilities that come with parenting, it makes it the hardest job in the world.
I don’t know where I am going with this, I am just writing down my thought process. Maybe I need to give up some things in life such as blogging? I’ve “put a pause”(such a better term than “giving up “) in publishing a book & getting a part time job, but do I need to give up, I mean put a pause on more things? I am so behind so many blog posts because we do so many fun things as a family, should I stop posting about the family stuff and only blog about my sewing, and fashion? Can you tell me what you would prefer my blog to be? Should it change to sewing & fashion and tidbits of my thoughts on motherhood, and no more about my family, or should it stay the same? Do you like reading about my family adventures? I would love to get your feed back, pretty please. Don’t comment if you hate when I vent about motherhood, I’ll then take that as a sign and stop writing these posts. 🙂
I know I can get personal on here(only personal about myself, never about my kids or my husband), but I obviously have thick skin and don’t care what people think because I keep writing about my weak moments and my imperfections. I know who I am and I know I am an excellent person of character and I believe that is precisely the reason why I feel comfortable talking about my imperfections, weaknesses and the struggles. Because what I share with you are my most weak, shameful moments. Having this shameful thought that I resent motherhood and I don’t like being a stay at home mom? It’s one of the worst things I’ve done/thought of for the last 7 years. If I knew I was a horrible person and didn’t have the self confidence in knowing that I was a good person, I would hide all these stories and keep it to myself! But if this is the worst thing I’ve ever done, I think that makes me a pretty good person, no? Haha. I feel funny saying that, but it’s true. I know I am a very good person, God knows I am a very good person, I have nothing to hide, and I am confident in myself, enough to share the ugliest part about myself on the internet. I share this so that people can relate and realize, nobody is perfect. We all have moments of regret as a mother and we’re already so hard on ourselves and feel guilty constantly that we’re not a better mom, so and so seems to have it all together, I bet so and so never yells at their kid, I am the worst mother in the world… The thing is, we all have these moments. Every single one of us mothers. We’ve all done things we regret to our kids. We are imperfect. We are bound to make mistakes. Being a mother is so joyful and wonderful, but there’s opposition in all things and it can also be so frustrating and hard at times. We all have shameful moments as mothers. We just don’t share our shameful moments with each other and keep it a secret. Even with my closest girlfriends, I can only name one friend who will openly share with me her biggest mistakes, her biggest regrets. All my other girlfriends I never hear about any of it. Well, if I’m the only one sharing my shameful moments as a mother, then so be it. If it ruins my reputation, so be it. I do not write this blog to gain readership and earn money,, that is not my priority. I share my weak moments with you so that you can realize that we all have done stuff that’s bad to our kids. We know what you are feeling, we have been there. And you are not the only mother that does regretful things so forgive yourself quickly and move on! Promise yourself to be a better mother and be the better mother today! Don’t let the past and the guilt drown you to the point that you give up being the good mother or stop you from improving. My friend texted me last night saying, “Ugh, you’ve inspired me yet again. Why you gotta be such a great mom?” referring to my previous blog post about carrying my two girls as much as possible before they get too big to do so. Well Kea, this is for you. Do you take your words back now? 😉
The thing is, we all have our struggles and imperfections. Life kinda sucks sometimes for every single person. Let’s stop playing the “My life is so perfect game”, shall we? It’s getting really old.
Thanks for your comment on my blog. I think we all feel like that sometimes – I certainly have had plenty of 'why do I bother' moments and kind comments like yours can make it all worth it. I enjoyed your honesty in this post too. I work part time (three days) as a teacher and I feel like I get judged by the other moms at church who are SAHM but I feel much like you that life at home with kids is an endless string of meal planning, laundry, dishes and it really gets so monotonous and frustrating. But your right getting to hang out and have fun with your kids does make it all worth it. xx
Hi. I am a FTWM but am currently on 3 months maternity leave. I have a 2 months plus baby and a 3 year old so, so I can almost relate to your situation. I am not anxious to get back to work but wonder how I would do as a SAHM. Just listening to my son throwing tantrum at the same time that my baby is crying, threw me off. I spent 6 weeks at my mil's house for confinement and 2 weeks at my mom's house before returning home. So I had a lot of things to organize, new baby's stuff, storing away my son's outgrown clothes, storing away my maternity clothes, getting ready my work clothes and then I had a new hobby coming up, sewing and crafting. Add to that all the daily tasks of a sahm and I wonder how a SAHM does it. Anyway thank you for posting stuff like this. I am a malay muslim and I tell you, despite all the differences in religion and culture, basically all moms are the same. And in some point in life, we all want to do our own thing. My mom whose daughters have all left the nest now has all the time to do her things. She went to arabic language classes, religious classes some days of the week and took her own sweet time to sew my clothes. That is after 25 years of child rearing.
About your blog. Let it be about a mish mash of things and a bit more about sewing. I am a newbie sew mom.
"The thing is, we all have our struggles and imperfections. Life kinda sucks sometimes for every single person. Let's stop playing the "My life is so perfect game", shall we? It's getting really old."
AMEN! I'm sorry you're struggling, buy you're right. We all have our moments of struggle. It's good for you to vent and it's good for the rest of us to know that we're not alone.
It's probably the age of the kids.. because I get like this too. I love newborn babies up until about 18 months old, and then I really dislike the ages of 18 months until about 9 or 10. Unfortunately, all three of my kids are in that age group that I dislike.
Don't get me wrong.. I love my kids unconditionally, but I absolutely dislike their attitudes and the ruder parts of their personalities. But on the flip side of the coin, I'd rather have kids that talked back and were extremely opinionated versus meek little children who can't think for themselves.. because the former is the kind of adults I want them to be.. self assured and who can think for themselves and be leaders.
You're not alone, I promise!
I can totally relate. Going from 1 to 2 kids was so easy for me, but 3 ? I was tired all of the time, never had time for myself, was always tidying up. Never felt I spent enough quality time with my kids as I was always reacting to the demands, homework, dinners, snacks, telling them to pick up their stuff, etc. I was a bit relieved when I went back to work, but still, god knows the evenings were hard. My last one is now 3 years old and I'm starting to feel my balance coming back. I'm starting to feel more in control. So don't give up, you're doing great and you'll do even better as time goes by.
Hi Sarah. I truly admire your willingness to be honest about the struggles of motherhood. For every honest mother, there are tens of thousands of mothers who pretend that life at home is full of rainbows, unicorns, and perfection. You and I both know that I have absolutely no experience in the "motherhood world", but I still consider you one of the most amazing mothers I know. How you are able to survive a day with three children who you've raised wonderfully, manage to cook, sew beautiful outfits that I would die for, keep a strong marriage with Jay, hold an everlasting relationship with God, and still have some time to blog is beyond my comprehension. I have friends and acquaintances who have two children and they can barely balance life. A few of them have even hired a nanny to give them a few hours of alone time to accomplish tasks they've been putting off. Perhaps you can make that sort of arrangement? I whole-heartedly know that you deserve it, and it may be a great time for your children to socialize with someone new. Always remember to give yourself credit for all that you do!
My kids are 23, 20, and almost 19. I wish I had another to hold in my arms but mine continue to need and wake me up at night with concern for them. I would love to go back in time to when they were little. Hang on to these precious moments. They'll fly by! And for the record your blog is awesome! Filled with inspiration. Imo putting your sewing diys on the blog doesn't negate them from being added to a book. It's different when you're holding something in your hand and all the diys are right together in front of you. Just my opinion for what it's worth. Don't be so hard on yourself! 🙂 you're doing an amazing job. Carpe Diem!!;)
I feel much like you. Although our situations are seemingly very different, how I feel is very much the same. I go to work full time and then have to be a mom evenings and weekends and I absolutely HATE having to leave my babies (5yrs., 3yrs., 18mos.). I work as a web developer during the day and I love my work. I want to be the best at it, but I have no time outside of work hours to hone my craft. On top of that, I do photography on the side. I've been doing it a long time, actually, and am pretty good, but I still have a lot of learning to do. However, when I get home from work (at 6:00 p.m.), it's make dinner and get ready for bed. Then I have to spend an hour with them in their room singing and reading them books otherwise my very stubborn three-year-old won't stay in her bed. It's not usually until around 9:30 that I can do something for myself and then, as you know, there's piles of dishes, laundry, photo editing, etc. Something's gotta give, but I don't want to give any of it up. Oh, and then of course, I would love to be an expert gardner, designer, seamstress, etc. 🙂
oh you are not alone! i get like this a lot, and usually it takes quite a bit of self-evaluation (after a good mommy recharge, like a pedi or a stroll through target…solo!) but usually after that serious self-evaluation i realize that it's my fear of missing out on what the "cool moms" are doing. i totally get it. and it's the place that we live that adds to it, being in utah county. we see these cute blogger moms going to parties, getting invited to cool events, and we don't want to miss out. so we add things to do, to get us invited to these places and it makes us feel important it makes us feel like we are part of the in crowd. and that's the hard thing. we also want to feel like we are contributing to our family finances, that we are helping our husbands. so we decide we want to create a blog or do a craft and suddenly people want to buy our stuff, be our friends because we've think we've found a connection (and maybe we really have) or THEY finally think you matter. anywho, that's just been my thing when i start feeling like this. you are ok, mama. do YOU!
I love you!
Amen, sister!
Hi Sarah! I'm an avid reader of your blog… and a classmate of Jay's 🙂 I do not have children of my own nor am I married yet, so, while I can't completely relate, I do want to send you a little note of encouragement to not give up on everything you want to do. You seem like an amazing mother that juggles so much, and you wanting to have your time to explore your interests and feel a sense of accomplishment outside the home is nothing to be ashamed of or to feel bad for wanting. This is YOUR life and you need to nourish yourself first so that you are available to nourish your family physically, emotionally, etc. That nagging feeling that keeps coming back? It will not go away. Don't even bother trying to stuff it away because you are only trying to turn yourself away from your natural, true self. And, I have to think, your family absolutely deserves your true self… as do you! I've thought a little bit about this and want to suggest hiring someone to come in every couple of days to help with laundry and cleaning? You seem to love your time with your children, so I don't think having a babysitter is the solution. And while the income from your work outside the home might be just enough to cover said part-time housekeeper, I think you might find it worth it anyway? Then you get to reap all the fun, lovely parts of your life and not spend so much time on the mundane tasks that keep you from nourishing yourself. Lots of love to you and "hi" to Jay 🙂 Tara D.
Being a housewife/mother is hard work! Luckily, God made women for the job 😀 We are strong, we can do it!! The day-to-day life may seem mundane, insignificant and (at times) completely unfair when we compare ourselves to our husband's days 😀 But women are amazing, never forget! I have three bambinos 4 and under and yes!, life can be tough. I have found the scriptures and power of prayer to be my most effective housewife-mothering tools 😉 it makes things soo much better. You will have the rest of your life when your kids are grown to make the most of your "dreams". The worst would be to regret trading this life, when you are only given one chance at it for eternity. However, that's just my two cents haha!
You're doing awesome, best regards!
this was so great! and i completely agree and love it!
All I can say is "ditto", but I only have 2! You are amazing, so you are doing so many things right, and help me feel like I'm not alone! I can't seem to find to sew or design either. Eeking out a trip to the grocery store or unloading the dishwasher IS PLENTY for one day!
This is such an honest, admirable post. It's intimidating to be this transparent on an open forum, but I think women need to hear these experiences from each other so we know that moments of frustration and hopelessness (even/especially? if it feels selfish) are to be expected; even inevitable.
I don't know you personally, but I have a feeling you're quite extraordinary.Keep doing what you're doing; perhaps in time you'll just get everything that you wish for. I'm certainly rooting for you. xo
I don't think you hate being a SAHM at all. It sounds to me like you hate cleaning. Who doesn't?! Get a cleaner:) Life is too short to do so little of what you love.
Your blog should be whatever you want it to be, we are just along for the ride 🙂
Hi Sarah, I love your blog and read every post, but I don't usually comment. I have three children but we can't afford for me to stay home so I work 9 to 5, and I gotta say I feel wretched all the time, just constantly guilty.. I have never seen my children take their first steps, I am missing them grow up. I would do anything to stay home and watch my children grow. I know it's hard but that's being parent whether you're at home or not. I cry almost every day when I see my kids and realise how much I'm missing.
I live for the weekends and try to put on a brave happy face for my children.
Maybe if I was a SAHM I would feel like you do now. But if you were working full time I bet you would feel like I do. That's just being a mom, there is always sacrifice involved.
Hang in there and you are not alone! I can totally relate to what you are saying. Blog about what you want.
I always enjoy your posts about motherhood, even before I became a mother. So keep it up, I say. And even though I've only been doing this mom thing for 3 weeks, (ah!) I can relate. I mean, I knew that motherhood would be hard, but I just didn't know that it would be emotionally hard. I often think about the number of children I want now after actually having one, and now just 2 kids seems more appealing than my original number 4. Also, I know that everyone just adores newborns, and I adore mine, but I find myself thinking how relieved I'll be once she's more responsive and not so fragile. Which makes me feel guilty, of course. Motherhood is crazy! Everyone warns you about it, but it still comes as such a shock. Anyway! I just took this opportunity to vent a little bit 🙂 I do love my baby and I think my body is pretty incredible for growing her and now feeding her and she's just super cute, but you know, all this other stuff is involved too.
I am an empty nester, but I still rememberthe feeings you described. Being the mother of preschoolers is the most physically exhaustive time of your life and there isn't a lot of me time. Especially if your husband is back to school.Everything falls on you to see that it gets done.Sometimes we slog through a period of time, giving up some of ourselves to help otherrs and that is HARD! But worth it as we see growth and development in those we love. But again that is hard and exhaustive. But then life changes again and some of the burden gets lifted, and we have a chance to do some individual me time. I have found that the most important me time is scripture and prayer time. I too love to sew, to garden, to write, but at times it became necessary to put those on hold because life was so busy. Then I would be able to pick them up again. Now, I am so glad I put some of Me on hold at times when my grown sons call just to talk, just to say 'I love you Mom." Thanks for being the great mom you were. (Believe me I was not/am not a perfect mom) Thanks for always having dinner for us, reading with us, etc. I love having grown children They are the reward of what you are slogging through right now. And yes it is okay to dislike your SAHM career at times because that is totally normal. Everyone dislikes their jobs at times. Hang in there.
Sarah, you should not feel guilty that you have these feelings.. like the other moms said, we all have these feelings and always wish we had more "me" time.. I returned to work after freelancing on and off for years but now that I'm back to work, I actually love it! It's a guilty pleasure since I don't want to admit how much I love it but I do!! yay!! I love my kids but I love interacting with grownups and seeing my hard work get results… staying home and housework doesn't give you the same satisfaction…so I think you're doing a great job and maybe shifts will happen in the near future where you can have some more time to yourself to pursue your dreams and passions! Love you!