Then I snapped. “Ugh, don’t ask me to do something for you 10 mins. before we have to leave somewhere! Do you think I have nothing to do and I just stand around the house waiting for you guys to call my name for help? I have things to do too, I have a life of my own!” My inner-voice told me at this moment that this wasn’t her fault, that I was acting out on my own frustrations and anger towards myself to her. I knew I should stop. But I let the anger carry me on. She tried to walk away but I said sternly, “Come back here.” and made her come back. As I continued cutting her hair I said, “I was going to do MY hair, I was going to grab something to eat because I ate a yogurt today and that’s it, I had plans within these 10 mins. that I’m now spending on you!!!”
Then I saw a tear slowly roll down my beautiful, sweet girl’s face. My amazing, obedient, easiest child a parent could ask for. My heart crushed and I. felt. like. the. biggest. failure. I hated myself so much at that moment. The hatred and the anger I felt for myself was so intense. This was my meanest moment as a mother. I was so ashamed. Then I felt so much anger at motherhood. The endless emotional roller-coaster of frustration, anger, losing it and yelling, then instant shame, regret and guilt, then anger and hatred towards myself. Here we go again.
As I was beating myself up and feeling the lowest of lows as a mother, a thought came to me.
“Forgive yourself immediately and start beautifying right where you are.” Feeling guilt is necessary in order to motivate us to change. But as soon as we feel the guilt and we realize the wrong we have done and feel remorse, this is when we need to promptly forgive ourselves. And start beautifying our surroundings, no matter how much bad we’ve done or how low we might be. Have you ever had a moment where you made a mistake and then said to yourself, “I have already sinned, it’s too late, might as well keep sinning because I am a big failure, it’s too late now?” Well, THAT IS NOT TRUE! Two wrongs don’t make a right! One minute of sinning vs. two minutes of sinning are completely different. One minute of sinning is half of the sin as 2 mins. of sinning. You can stop at any second, that’s better than keep doing the sin. And beating ourselves more than necessary and feeling the guilt a second longer than it’s necessary is also a big mistake. The moment we feel sorry and feel remorse and vow to ourselves to do better, that is the very moment we need to forgive ourselves. And focus on beautifying our surroundings. Because if we keep focusing on our guilt, we can’t beautify. That’s how the adversity tries to get us to not progress. To get us stuck in the unnecessary stage of ongoing guilt and shame.
A few hours later, I saw how my big mistake beautified the day that much more. Since I felt so sorry for what I had done, I apologized to my daughter several times and asked for her forgiveness. I told her how every time I get mad at her, it’s always me and never her. That I am still trying to act in situations instead of reacting, to control the spurts of emotions that are not positive. I kissed her more. I hugged her more. I told her the wonderful qualities I admired in her. I paid more attention to her. I was more gentle and loving towards her. I felt very humbled and asked God to help me be more patient and strong. I saw how beautiful my life was. And how wonderful my husband and kids are and how much I loved and cherished my family. I felt immense peace, joy and humility. What a beautiful surrounding I had created the rest of the day from a single moment of mistake.
So next time you make a mistake, don’t keep doing it. Stop immediately. Then let the guilt motivate you to do better. Then immediately forgive yourself and start beautifying right where you are.
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