Life is Beautiful

Motherhood, Sewing, Family

I CONSTANTLY FEEL I’M FAILING

~ SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

 

 

 

when my boy was a baby. oh my heart.

 

 

A friend emailed me today sharing how guilty she feels as a mother, as she started going back to work recently. She told me she feels like she’s failing constantly as a mother and as an employee so this is what I wrote to her and it’s something I needed to hear for myself as well. So I thought there might be someone else that might feel the same way at times.

 

I constantly feel like I’m failing at home and with my blog/Youtube. I think that’s what many mothers feels like, if not all, so we are not alone! I can never give my full attention, passion, time and energy into one thing, it’s always gotta be divided up in many increments and sacrifices made on either side. So I feel I can only give my mediocre attempt at anything that I do. I feel I would be soooo much more successful if I could dedicate all my time and focus into my blog and sometimes it makes me bitter that I can’t. But I make do and motherhood and my blog both gets sacrificed at times. Doing our best in whatever we do in a mediocre way is good enough. It’s actually a sign we are doing it just perfectly, it means we are trying to balance our priorities out! If we did focus all our attention, time and energy into just one thing, we wouldn’t be happy. If we focused everything on motherhood, we’d get burnt out and not feel fulfilled. Nor is it healthy! If we focused everything on our career, it means we are neglecting our family. So giving our best in all the areas we care about, albeit feeling like it’s mediocre and not our all, is a sign we are doing it perfectly! Perfectly imperfect and beautiful. It’s the best we can do and to God, that’s more than good enough for him, it’s all he can ask of us to do.

Think of all the things you do for your kids, you’re a wonderful mom and the kids know you love them with all your heart. That’s the most important thing a mother can do, being a good person and loving their kids unconditionally. The person that you are will shape your kids way, way more than whether one works or not, bottle feeds or breastfeeds, feeds them organic or not, or reads to their kids everyday. You are a very good person and your kids undoubtedly know you love them with everything that you are so you are excelling in those two most important areas which means you are doing it just right! You are a great mother. You are doing it perfectly.

 

 

BEAUTIFY WHERE YOU ARE

~ HOME, MOTHERHOOD, SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

 



I was the meanest mom the other day. We had to leave the house for the kids’ extra curricular activities with 10 mins. to spare. I thought to myself, ‘Oh good, I can straighten my hair and grab something to eat in the car.” But right then, my daughter came and asked if I could cut her bangs. I should’ve just told her I’d do it when we get home later that night. But I begrudgingly said fine and started snapping her hair. I was so irritated. I was hungry, I was sleepy, I looked like crap, I thought I had 10 mins. to do something for me, but nope! The story of my life. Between 3 kids, it’s non-stop questions, non-stop paying attention, non-stop requests. It is exhausting. That’s the word to describe motherhood perfectly, don’t you think? If we are being a pessimist for a sec. here? Have you ever been responsible for something that makes you as exhausted mentally, spiritually & physically, in every realm of your being? I don’t think so.

Then I snapped. “Ugh, don’t ask me to do something for you 10 mins. before we have to leave somewhere! Do you think I have nothing to do and I just stand around the house waiting for you guys to call my name for help? I have things to do too, I have a life of my own!” My inner-voice told me at this moment that this wasn’t her fault, that I was acting out on my own frustrations and anger towards myself to her. I knew I should stop. But I let the anger carry me on. She tried to walk away but I said sternly, “Come back here.” and made her come back. As I continued cutting her hair I said, “I was going to do MY hair, I was going to grab something to eat because I ate a yogurt today and that’s it, I had plans within these 10 mins. that I’m now spending on you!!!”

Then I saw a tear slowly roll down my beautiful, sweet girl’s face. My amazing, obedient, easiest child a parent could ask for. My heart crushed and I. felt. like. the. biggest. failure. I hated myself so much at that moment. The hatred and the anger I felt for myself was so intense. This was my meanest moment as a mother. I was so ashamed. Then I felt so much anger at motherhood. The endless emotional roller-coaster of frustration, anger, losing it and yelling, then instant shame, regret and guilt, then anger and hatred towards myself. Here we go again.

As I was beating myself up and feeling the lowest of lows as a mother, a thought came to me.

“Forgive yourself immediately and start beautifying right where you are.” Feeling guilt is necessary in order to motivate us to change. But as soon as we feel the guilt and we realize the wrong we have done and feel remorse, this is when we need to promptly forgive ourselves. And start beautifying our surroundings, no matter how much bad we’ve done or how low we might be. Have you ever had a moment where you made a mistake and then said to yourself, “I have already sinned, it’s too late, might as well keep sinning because I am a big failure, it’s too late now?” Well, THAT IS NOT TRUE! Two wrongs don’t make a right! One minute of sinning vs. two minutes of sinning are completely different. One minute of sinning is half of the sin as 2 mins. of sinning. You can stop at any second, that’s better than keep doing the sin. And beating ourselves more than necessary and feeling the guilt a second longer than it’s necessary is also a big mistake. The moment we feel sorry and feel remorse and vow to ourselves to do better, that is the very moment we need to forgive ourselves. And focus on beautifying our surroundings. Because if we keep focusing on our guilt, we can’t beautify. That’s how the adversity tries to get us to not progress. To get us stuck in the unnecessary stage of ongoing guilt and shame.

A few hours later, I saw how my big mistake beautified the day that much more. Since I felt so sorry for what I had done, I apologized to my daughter several times and asked for her forgiveness. I told her how every time I get mad at her, it’s always me and never her. That I am still trying to act in situations instead of reacting, to control the spurts of emotions that are not positive. I kissed her more. I hugged her more. I told her the wonderful qualities I admired in her. I paid more attention to her. I was more gentle and loving towards her. I felt very humbled and asked God to help me be more patient and strong. I saw how beautiful my life was. And how wonderful my husband and kids are and how much I loved and cherished my family. I felt immense peace, joy and humility. What a beautiful surrounding I had created the rest of the day from a single moment of mistake.

So next time you make a mistake, don’t keep doing it. Stop immediately. Then let the guilt motivate you to do better. Then immediately forgive yourself and start beautifying right where you are.

 

 

 

 

If you enjoyed this post, read more of my #sharingmyheartwithyoust posts.

And life goes on…

~ Etc.

Hello everyone! I went to California for my uncle’s funeral this past weekend while Jay watched Adalie. I didn’t worry one bit since Jay is such a wonderful parent. In the Korean culture I was told pregnant women are not suppose to attend funerals but I wanted to show my respect for our beloved uncle and also be there for my mom who was losing her little brother. At least for a short while.

The viewing started at 11 a.m on Saturday and while everyone went up to go see the viewing, I stayed back. I don’t like watching the viewing because that is not what death represents in the eternal perspective. Looking at someone’s lifeless body, one is reminded of how that person isn’t here, he/she isn’t living and is gone. Some people believe they will never see that person again! How truly depressing and heart-aching is that. It broke my heart as I watched some people who truly believed he was gone and was mourning because of it.

But thanks to the gospel of Jesus Christ, we know the truth. The gospel gives us hope and comfort in whatever circumstances that may come in our way, even in times of death. I miss my uncle greatly and I feel sorrow for his family and friends that will miss him but I felt peace knowing that he was no longer feeling the immense pain of cancer, he was in heaven with God and that he was extremely happy, happier than he ever was during his life on earth. Our Prophet Joseph Smith said the only difference between the old and the young dying is that one gets to leave this wicked world and go live in eternal glory with our Heavenly father earlier than the other. Everyone dies at different stages in their lives, but in the end, we all die. But when we do, we get to go to a better life, the next stage in our lives. I know God is by my uncle’s side right now and I am so happy for him. I am excited to see him once again and also see his family and friends who do not have the Gospel, to have them see him in heaven and be surprised and shocked but so happy to reunite with their beloved friend/family once again. I think that will be such a beautiful sight.