Life is Beautiful

Motherhood, Sewing, Family

MY FAVORITE POEM ABOUT MOTHERHOOD

~ MOTHERHOOD

 

on a date with my oldest yesterday. she got to pick out a book, we shared a cheesecake and read.

 

 

I came across this poem last week and bawled my eyes out while reading it. It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time, right in the middle of summer with having my kids around me all day long. I then read it to Jay(I asked him if I could read the best poem about motherhood I’ve ever read to him and he said no. So I read it to him out loud and made him listen anyway), and now when he seems that I’m about to sigh or give him the look when the kids call me for the 200th time for the day, he says to me, “It might be the last time!”

 

 

The Last Time

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before, 
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.


But don’t forget …You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed
your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.

-Author Unknown-

 

 

Ahhh, isn’t it so good? I need to read this monthly to remind myself. How is Summer going for you?

LET ME DO IT IN PEACE

~ MOTHERHOOD, SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

 

 

 

 

“Okay, this is the last thing I’m going to do for you and then no more asking, I want to eat in peace afterwards.”, “Not right now, let me finish reading this article in peace and then I will play with you.”, “Let me go to the bathroom in peace, okay?” I’ve noticed myself saying this a lot to my kids lately.

But as I was eating breakfast today and my son kept coming and asking me questions and I was about to sigh and think to myself, ‘I just want to eat in peace.’ I had a thought come to my mind. “What if this chaos became my new peace? I get overwhelmed with the kids wanting my attention all the time and how they never leave me alone and even follow me to the bathroom, but do I really wish they’d stop talking to me and leaving me alone? Isn’t it a good thing that they love me so much that they can never get enough of me? Then since I don’t want my kids to change after all, I can only change my perception. So instead of thinking they’re my constant chaos, I can think they’re my beautiful present. This is my new peace. The peace I have that they’re safe right next to me, we have a close relationship, and they love me so much they always want to be near me. The peace I’ll have for only a short while and it’ll be gone too soon. The peace that I’d do anything to get back for just one more day and wouldn’t trade for any other peace. This will always be my favorite kind of peace.

My previous chaos is now my new found joy and peace.

BEAUTIFY WHERE YOU ARE

~ HOME, MOTHERHOOD, SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

 



I was the meanest mom the other day. We had to leave the house for the kids’ extra curricular activities with 10 mins. to spare. I thought to myself, ‘Oh good, I can straighten my hair and grab something to eat in the car.” But right then, my daughter came and asked if I could cut her bangs. I should’ve just told her I’d do it when we get home later that night. But I begrudgingly said fine and started snapping her hair. I was so irritated. I was hungry, I was sleepy, I looked like crap, I thought I had 10 mins. to do something for me, but nope! The story of my life. Between 3 kids, it’s non-stop questions, non-stop paying attention, non-stop requests. It is exhausting. That’s the word to describe motherhood perfectly, don’t you think? If we are being a pessimist for a sec. here? Have you ever been responsible for something that makes you as exhausted mentally, spiritually & physically, in every realm of your being? I don’t think so.

Then I snapped. “Ugh, don’t ask me to do something for you 10 mins. before we have to leave somewhere! Do you think I have nothing to do and I just stand around the house waiting for you guys to call my name for help? I have things to do too, I have a life of my own!” My inner-voice told me at this moment that this wasn’t her fault, that I was acting out on my own frustrations and anger towards myself to her. I knew I should stop. But I let the anger carry me on. She tried to walk away but I said sternly, “Come back here.” and made her come back. As I continued cutting her hair I said, “I was going to do MY hair, I was going to grab something to eat because I ate a yogurt today and that’s it, I had plans within these 10 mins. that I’m now spending on you!!!”

Then I saw a tear slowly roll down my beautiful, sweet girl’s face. My amazing, obedient, easiest child a parent could ask for. My heart crushed and I. felt. like. the. biggest. failure. I hated myself so much at that moment. The hatred and the anger I felt for myself was so intense. This was my meanest moment as a mother. I was so ashamed. Then I felt so much anger at motherhood. The endless emotional roller-coaster of frustration, anger, losing it and yelling, then instant shame, regret and guilt, then anger and hatred towards myself. Here we go again.

As I was beating myself up and feeling the lowest of lows as a mother, a thought came to me.

“Forgive yourself immediately and start beautifying right where you are.” Feeling guilt is necessary in order to motivate us to change. But as soon as we feel the guilt and we realize the wrong we have done and feel remorse, this is when we need to promptly forgive ourselves. And start beautifying our surroundings, no matter how much bad we’ve done or how low we might be. Have you ever had a moment where you made a mistake and then said to yourself, “I have already sinned, it’s too late, might as well keep sinning because I am a big failure, it’s too late now?” Well, THAT IS NOT TRUE! Two wrongs don’t make a right! One minute of sinning vs. two minutes of sinning are completely different. One minute of sinning is half of the sin as 2 mins. of sinning. You can stop at any second, that’s better than keep doing the sin. And beating ourselves more than necessary and feeling the guilt a second longer than it’s necessary is also a big mistake. The moment we feel sorry and feel remorse and vow to ourselves to do better, that is the very moment we need to forgive ourselves. And focus on beautifying our surroundings. Because if we keep focusing on our guilt, we can’t beautify. That’s how the adversity tries to get us to not progress. To get us stuck in the unnecessary stage of ongoing guilt and shame.

A few hours later, I saw how my big mistake beautified the day that much more. Since I felt so sorry for what I had done, I apologized to my daughter several times and asked for her forgiveness. I told her how every time I get mad at her, it’s always me and never her. That I am still trying to act in situations instead of reacting, to control the spurts of emotions that are not positive. I kissed her more. I hugged her more. I told her the wonderful qualities I admired in her. I paid more attention to her. I was more gentle and loving towards her. I felt very humbled and asked God to help me be more patient and strong. I saw how beautiful my life was. And how wonderful my husband and kids are and how much I loved and cherished my family. I felt immense peace, joy and humility. What a beautiful surrounding I had created the rest of the day from a single moment of mistake.

So next time you make a mistake, don’t keep doing it. Stop immediately. Then let the guilt motivate you to do better. Then immediately forgive yourself and start beautifying right where you are.

 

 

 

 

If you enjoyed this post, read more of my #sharingmyheartwithyoust posts.

THE FIRSTS AS A MOTHER

~ Etc., MOTHERHOOD

 

 

 

This post is sponsored by Kindercare. Thank you for supporting this blog!

 

 

We got our photos from our family shoot in Hawaii and I love them! I thought it would be fun to compare the before and the after of me and my son. Look how tiny he is!

 

4 YEARS AGO

 

4 YEARS LATER

Isn’t he such a big boy now? Ugly tears! More photos from our family shoot will be posted soon!

 

I remember the first time I got ANGRY as a mother towards my child. It was in the middle of the night around 4 a.m, because my child would magically sleep all day long but then 10 p.m rolled around and she’d be magically wide awake until 6 a.m! This went on for weeks. Around week 3, I lost it. I plunged down onto the floor in her bedroom and cried and cried and cried. For hours. I felt so angry towards her that I was shocked at how this cute, tiny and innocent baby that I loved so much could make me SO angry.

I remember the first time each of my babies giggled. Not just a smile, but a full on giggle. There is nothing else in this world that is a happier sound to my ears than a baby’s giggle. I remember the happiness I felt was so powerful that it seemed to surge through my whole body like a rocket, all the way up to the sky.

I remember the first time I worried for each of my child. It was when I dropped them off on the first day of preschool, my youngest only several months ago. ‘All that time when I wished I’d finally get some alone time is finally here. But why is my heart breaking?’, “Is the teacher going to love my child? Take care of my child and be kind?’, ‘Will my child like preschool? Will their classmates be kind? Will my child be kind?’ There are so many mixed emotions. And always tears. I remember with my first child tears just started rolling down my face and as I sheepishly wiped them away, I saw all the other mothers wiping their tears as well. We all looked at each other and laughed. Relieved that we weren’t the only ones, relieved that we are all in this together, in this thing called motherhood.

We are all in this together. We all want what’s best for our child. We all try to do the best we know how. For some, that’s staying at home with the kids. For some, that’s sending the kids to daycare like Kindercare. For some, it’s having their husbands be a stay at home dad. That would be my dream actually! And for some, their nanny/grandparent/friend/neighbor watches their children. But we are all in this together. A village raising each child. No matter which route you take.

 

I have been debating on what I should do with my son this coming Fall. We decided to push him back 1 year and send him to preschool one more year so he’ll start kindergarten in 2019. Right now he goes to preschool 4 days a week for 2.5 hours but I want him to do more. His personality is a type where I need to be very attentive to him so I can’t get much work done around the house, whether it be my personal work, or house work. So we are thinking we will either send him to 2 different preschools, morning and afternoon for 2.5 hours each for a total of 5 hours or send him to Kindercare. It was funny when I was contacted to work with them, because I was just looking at their site a week prior and thinking about sending my son there! So I’m taking it as a sign! They have a Transitional kindergarten program for a child who has mastered prekindergarten but did not meet the cutoff date for kindergarten which sounds like a perfect program for my son, with his birthday being the end of Summer. We went to parent teacher conference just earlier today and the teacher recommended that he doesn’t repeat preschool but more of a transitional kindergarten if we decide not to send him to kindergarten. That he’d be very bored in preschool again and he’d be socially and academically way above. Kindercare offers an enhanced whole-group activities and project-related learning activities to help children in such areas as critical thinking, communication, collaboration, and creativity. So it’s studying and academics but also fun and creative play. I also like that they provide nutritious meals that are grouped by 3 age groups; infant to 2, 3-5 and 5 – 12 years old, and I’m not sure about the other centers but the one nearest to me cooks all their food in center and are fresh. To me, food is a huge deal!

So if you were in my shoes, what would you do? Send your child to 2 preschools morning and the afternoon, or to an all day daycare/school for 2-3 days a week? Which one do you think would be better for a child?

IN TIMES WHEN YOU HATE BEING A MOTHER Part One

~ MOTHERHOOD, SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

“Must be nice not worrying about a damn thing at home while you’re at work, huh?” I uttered these exact words to my poor husband over the phone.

 

“THEN SAY SORRY! GOSH!!! THAT HURT SO BAD!!!” I yelled at my daughter when she pulled several of my hair out accidentally.

 

“SHHH!!! JUST WAIT! DO YOU SEE ME JUST SITTING HERE DOING NOTHING OR AM I SUPER BUSY DOING A MILLION THINGS RIGHT NOW? STOP THINKING ABOUT JUST YOURSELF, LIFE ISN’T ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME!!!” I yelled at my 4 yr. old when he kept saying, “Mom, get me some pretzels. Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!” while I was backing out of the parking lot & answering two questions simultaneously from both of his sisters.

 

This all happened within 2 hrs. while driving 45 mins. to and from each way to my kid’s braces appointment yesterday. #winning! The car goes silent and I know I killed the whole mood and these are my thought/emotion process:

 

Annoyed. Flustered. Mad. Angry. Explosive. I yell. SO annoyed at the kids. ‘I can’t wait until they’re older. Wait, yes I can. I know these are the golden years, I take it back.” I know this and I should cherish this time but still so frustrated. Immense guilt. So so guilty that I yelled. So disappointed in myself for yelling. Super angry at myself that I yelled and lost it. ‘Why can’t I be a better person? More patient?’ Sadness. Feeling like a failure. I suck. Beating myself down. Then anger at motherhood. I hate being a mom. Being a mom is so freakin’ hard. Mad that motherhood brings out the worst in me. So weary and tired of feeling this cycle over and over of anger, frustration, disappointment in myself, guilt. More guilt. Regret. Frustrated.

 

Then I have a thought come to my head, “When the kids annoy you & make you so angry, they are actually gifting you the greatest gift. Every time the kids annoy us, tests our patience, they’re gifting us the chance to grow and be better than you were moments before you got annoyed/angry. No other job is as annoying, demanding or self sacrificing. No other job stretches you and molds you into a better person. No other job likens to Godhood as parenting. That’s why it is tirelessly SO difficult, challenging and self-reflecting. So relentlessly annoying too, constantly reminding you of your weaknesses. So that you know where to improve. So it’s not the kids that you’re truly annoyed at, it’s your weaknesses that you’re annoyed with. This is the purpose of motherhood, so it humbles you and makes you determined to improve and be better. Because you love your kids with all your heart, your whole existence and beyond, that nothing or no one else will motivate you to change as much as your kids. Changing so that you will be a better parent for your kids and therefore a better human being.

 

I feel peace. Gratitude. No more guilt. or annoyance. or frustration.

 

I tell my daughter sorry for yelling and reach for her and she instantly buoys her leg up so I can hold it(I used to grab their ankle and squeeze it lovingly while driving when they were little because that’s the only part I could reach and it still carries on).

 

The mood instantly changes to happy and the kids start talking again as if nothing happened.

 

When we park, I tell her, “Ana, I’m sorry I yelled at you. It’s never you, it’s always me. I was tired and I had a headache and my hair getting pulled out made my headache worse. So whenever I get mad at you, know that it’s because I need to work on my weaknesses, it’s never you or your fault. It’s always my fault.”

 

She smiles and squeezes me super tight and we kiss several times.

 

I love being a mother. Nothing frustrates me more and yes, at times I hate being a mother. But those times are minuscule compared to the times I absolutely love being a mother and I know I’m a part of something much bigger than myself. A part of something way more grand, sacred and holy than I realize. And like opposition in all things, it’s okay to be annoyed, frustrated, angry, or hate being a mother, it’s okay! It’s normal! Because in order to feel the beauty of motherhood, I need to feel the ugly of it too.