MOTHERHOOD Archives | Page 2 of 3

BALANCING MOTHERHOOD WITH AMBITION

July 10, 2018~ MOTHERHOOD, SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

Do any of you mamas out there with a lot of ambition struggle sometimes with motherhood? I struggle with it. I just told Jay a few mins. ago, “I would be 1000 times more successful in my career if I wasn’t a mother.” And I truly mean it. I really would be, without a doubt.

A small example is the best time for me to post on here is 9 pm when I reach the most people & get the best engagement. But do I ever get to post at that time? No, I can’t remember the last time I did. It’s 10:30 pm and I’m lying down with my son on his bed to put him to sleep. It’s Summer, it gets dark at 9:30 pm here so we lose track of time, then it’s already 10 when they’re getting ready for bed and I’m a little antsy because I wanted to post a lot earlier but now it’s so late so when we have a family prayer I’m antsy, I’m antsy & eager as I sing to my son, I’m antsy as I tell my kids good night. I get a little resentful at Jay and think how dang lucky he is that he can separate work and home life, how he can focus 100% on his career when he goes to work 8 hours a day + travels to China almost once a month, then he comes home and can leave work aside and focus on our family. With me, I don’t have the luxury to separate my career and motherhood since I work at home without a nanny, babysitter, family, or a maid. People debate which is harder, working moms or stay at home moms but moms who stay home and work while doing both at the same time have it the hardest! But I think single mothers have it the toughest of all so I probably shouldn’t complain. But you know that’s not me so here I am.

I feel I am only giving 35% into my career. I wonder where I’d be if I could give 100%. But then I realize my kids are the greatest career I’ll ever have. They’re my most proud work I’ve ever done and ever will. And I’ll never regret on my deathbed that I wished I posted more at 9 pm on IG or that I only gave my mediocre 35% into my career right now while they’re young & wished I focused less on my children. So I’ll keep giving my 35% & my time will come when they’re older. I can wait. It’ll be worth the wait.

Now your turn, how much do you think you’re giving to your ambition/passion/career?

MY FAVORITE POEM ABOUT MOTHERHOOD

June 29, 2018~ MOTHERHOOD

on a date with my oldest yesterday. she got to pick out a book, we shared a cheesecake and read.

I came across this poem last week and bawled my eyes out while reading it. It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time, right in the middle of summer with having my kids around me all day long. I then read it to Jay(I asked him if I could read the best poem about motherhood I’ve ever read to him and he said no. So I read it to him out loud and made him listen anyway), and now when he seems that I’m about to sigh or give him the look when the kids call me for the 200th time for the day, he says to me, “It might be the last time!”

The Last Time

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

But don’t forget …You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed
your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.

-Author Unknown-

Ahhh, isn’t it so good? I need to read this monthly to remind myself. How is Summer going for you?

BEAUTIFY WHERE YOU ARE

April 23, 2018~ HOME, MOTHERHOOD, SHARING MY HEART WITH YOU

I was the meanest mom the other day. We had to leave the house for the kids’ extra curricular activities with 10 mins. to spare. I thought to myself, ‘Oh good, I can straighten my hair and grab something to eat in the car.” But right then, my daughter came and asked if I could cut her bangs. I should’ve just told her I’d do it when we get home later that night. But I begrudgingly said fine and started snapping her hair. I was so irritated. I was hungry, I was sleepy, I looked like crap, I thought I had 10 mins. to do something for me, but nope! The story of my life. Between 3 kids, it’s non-stop questions, non-stop paying attention, non-stop requests. It is exhausting. That’s the word to describe motherhood perfectly, don’t you think? If we are being a pessimist for a sec. here? Have you ever been responsible for something that makes you as exhausted mentally, spiritually & physically, in every realm of your being? I don’t think so.

Then I snapped. “Ugh, don’t ask me to do something for you 10 mins. before we have to leave somewhere! Do you think I have nothing to do and I just stand around the house waiting for you guys to call my name for help? I have things to do too, I have a life of my own!” My inner-voice told me at this moment that this wasn’t her fault, that I was acting out on my own frustrations and anger towards myself to her. I knew I should stop. But I let the anger carry me on. She tried to walk away but I said sternly, “Come back here.” and made her come back. As I continued cutting her hair I said, “I was going to do MY hair, I was going to grab something to eat because I ate a yogurt today and that’s it, I had plans within these 10 mins. that I’m now spending on you!!!”

Then I saw a tear slowly roll down my beautiful, sweet girl’s face. My amazing, obedient, easiest child a parent could ask for. My heart crushed and I. felt. like. the. biggest. failure. I hated myself so much at that moment. The hatred and the anger I felt for myself was so intense. This was my meanest moment as a mother. I was so ashamed. Then I felt so much anger at motherhood. The endless emotional roller-coaster of frustration, anger, losing it and yelling, then instant shame, regret and guilt, then anger and hatred towards myself. Here we go again.

As I was beating myself up and feeling the lowest of lows as a mother, a thought came to me.

“Forgive yourself immediately and start beautifying right where you are.” Feeling guilt is necessary in order to motivate us to change. But as soon as we feel the guilt and we realize the wrong we have done and feel remorse, this is when we need to promptly forgive ourselves. And start beautifying our surroundings, no matter how much bad we’ve done or how low we might be. Have you ever had a moment where you made a mistake and then said to yourself, “I have already sinned, it’s too late, might as well keep sinning because I am a big failure, it’s too late now?” Well, THAT IS NOT TRUE! Two wrongs don’t make a right! One minute of sinning vs. two minutes of sinning are completely different. One minute of sinning is half of the sin as 2 mins. of sinning. You can stop at any second, that’s better than keep doing the sin. And beating ourselves more than necessary and feeling the guilt a second longer than it’s necessary is also a big mistake. The moment we feel sorry and feel remorse and vow to ourselves to do better, that is the very moment we need to forgive ourselves. And focus on beautifying our surroundings. Because if we keep focusing on our guilt, we can’t beautify. That’s how the adversity tries to get us to not progress. To get us stuck in the unnecessary stage of ongoing guilt and shame.

A few hours later, I saw how my big mistake beautified the day that much more. Since I felt so sorry for what I had done, I apologized to my daughter several times and asked for her forgiveness. I told her how every time I get mad at her, it’s always me and never her. That I am still trying to act in situations instead of reacting, to control the spurts of emotions that are not positive. I kissed her more. I hugged her more. I told her the wonderful qualities I admired in her. I paid more attention to her. I was more gentle and loving towards her. I felt very humbled and asked God to help me be more patient and strong. I saw how beautiful my life was. And how wonderful my husband and kids are and how much I loved and cherished my family. I felt immense peace, joy and humility. What a beautiful surrounding I had created the rest of the day from a single moment of mistake.

So next time you make a mistake, don’t keep doing it. Stop immediately. Then let the guilt motivate you to do better. Then immediately forgive yourself and start beautifying right where you are.

If you enjoyed this post, read more of my #sharingmyheartwithyoust posts.

THE FIRSTS AS A MOTHER

February 8, 2018~ Etc., MOTHERHOOD

This post is sponsored by Kindercare. Thank you for supporting this blog!

We got our photos from our family shoot in Hawaii and I love them! I thought it would be fun to compare the before and the after of me and my son. Look how tiny he is!

4 YEARS AGO

4 YEARS LATER

Isn’t he such a big boy now? Ugly tears! More photos from our family shoot will be posted soon!

I remember the first time I got ANGRY as a mother towards my child. It was in the middle of the night around 4 a.m, because my child would magically sleep all day long but then 10 p.m rolled around and she’d be magically wide awake until 6 a.m! This went on for weeks. Around week 3, I lost it. I plunged down onto the floor in her bedroom and cried and cried and cried. For hours. I felt so angry towards her that I was shocked at how this cute, tiny and innocent baby that I loved so much could make me SO angry.

I remember the first time each of my babies giggled. Not just a smile, but a full on giggle. There is nothing else in this world that is a happier sound to my ears than a baby’s giggle. I remember the happiness I felt was so powerful that it seemed to surge through my whole body like a rocket, all the way up to the sky.

I remember the first time I worried for each of my child. It was when I dropped them off on the first day of preschool, my youngest only several months ago. ‘All that time when I wished I’d finally get some alone time is finally here. But why is my heart breaking?’, “Is the teacher going to love my child? Take care of my child and be kind?’, ‘Will my child like preschool? Will their classmates be kind? Will my child be kind?’ There are so many mixed emotions. And always tears. I remember with my first child tears just started rolling down my face and as I sheepishly wiped them away, I saw all the other mothers wiping their tears as well. We all looked at each other and laughed. Relieved that we weren’t the only ones, relieved that we are all in this together, in this thing called motherhood.

We are all in this together. We all want what’s best for our child. We all try to do the best we know how. For some, that’s staying at home with the kids. For some, that’s sending the kids to daycare like Kindercare. For some, it’s having their husbands be a stay at home dad. That would be my dream actually! And for some, their nanny/grandparent/friend/neighbor watches their children. But we are all in this together. A village raising each child. No matter which route you take.

I have been debating on what I should do with my son this coming Fall. We decided to push him back 1 year and send him to preschool one more year so he’ll start kindergarten in 2019. Right now he goes to preschool 4 days a week for 2.5 hours but I want him to do more. His personality is a type where I need to be very attentive to him so I can’t get much work done around the house, whether it be my personal work, or house work. So we are thinking we will either send him to 2 different preschools, morning and afternoon for 2.5 hours each for a total of 5 hours or send him to Kindercare. It was funny when I was contacted to work with them, because I was just looking at their site a week prior and thinking about sending my son there! So I’m taking it as a sign! They have a Transitional kindergarten program for a child who has mastered prekindergarten but did not meet the cutoff date for kindergarten which sounds like a perfect program for my son, with his birthday being the end of Summer. We went to parent teacher conference just earlier today and the teacher recommended that he doesn’t repeat preschool but more of a transitional kindergarten if we decide not to send him to kindergarten. That he’d be very bored in preschool again and he’d be socially and academically way above. Kindercare offers an enhanced whole-group activities and project-related learning activities to help children in such areas as critical thinking, communication, collaboration, and creativity. So it’s studying and academics but also fun and creative play. I also like that they provide nutritious meals that are grouped by 3 age groups; infant to 2, 3-5 and 5 – 12 years old, and I’m not sure about the other centers but the one nearest to me cooks all their food in center and are fresh. To me, food is a huge deal!

So if you were in my shoes, what would you do? Send your child to 2 preschools morning and the afternoon, or to an all day daycare/school for 2-3 days a week? Which one do you think would be better for a child?