do you ever wish you never did something after you’ve done it? well that’s me after being on live t.v this morning.  i have a nasty feeling in my stomach right now because after watching the recorded show about 5 times now and cringing every second of it, i just don’t feel good about it.  there was no script, it was live, i drove 2 hrs. in traffic yesterday to get the necklace that i made that’s being displayed at a bridal dress boutique since it was part of the projects i was suppose to show and talk about but we never got to talk about it, we had 15 mins. to set up the table and one dress didn’t fit the mannequinn form because it was too small, i had no time to touch up on my make-up that i put in the car while i was driving to the studio or my hair, the lighting and the angle made me look bad, i had no idea what questions she was going to ask me so it threw me off and i was awkward, i was suppose to show 2 demonstrations of my DIY projects but in the end she just said how i only had one minute to show one project, one minute, are you kidding me? oh gosh, and i have tears streaming down my face right now and i don’t know why, maybe it’s that time of the month or that’s just my excuse for crying over such a stupid thing. 

and do you ever go through periods where you feel so ugly? well, i’ve felt that lately, and feel really insecure about my looks, like my braces, i hate them and i’m so sick of wearing them(i was suppose to get it off 4 months ago) and just watching the video made it so much worse because i looked so bad.  i know that’s vain but i guess i’m vain.  not to mention i never knew i looked so funny talking with my braces and the way i close my mouth, it’s just painful to watch.  but cameras don’t lie so that’s really how i look and it makes me sad.  and please don’t give me compliments, that’s not what i’m looking for and it’ll make me feel worse because i don’t want sympathy.  oh gosh, i cannot stop crying! so stupid.

and i feel so stupid for being so open and honest on the internet where anybody could read my vulnerable thoughts.  but oh well, i guess it’s not my 1st time right?

anyway, here’s the clip of the show since i promised some of you. argh, i really don’t want to share though.

(so i wrote that earlier in the day and now this is about 8 hrs. later…)

i’m so over it now.  i still cringe while watching it but i guess i could’ve done worse, and hey, everybody’s got bad angles right? and looks are not everything about a person, what i have to offer on the inside is far more important and far more beautiful.  and i don’t mean to sound ungrateful, i’m so grateful to studio 5 for this opportunity and they were all so kind to me and i know none of these were their faults, just my issues.  jay came to see what i was doing as i was crying nonstop and blogging and he shut the computer off and he just held me like a baby(literally.  he does that when i’m sad and crying, i hate it but he’s so much stronger than me, i have no choice.) and comforted me.  he even wiped my nasty snot with his white shirt he was wearing, even though i kept refusing.  and the girls came and saw me crying and they just kept putting their faces like 1 inch close to my face and asking why i was crying.  they gave me many kisses on the lips, not caring that i had snot and tears drooling down my lips, and ana ran off somewhere and came back with a tulip she pulled from our backyard, handed it to me, then went off again and got another tulip to give to me.  so sweet.  why should i be sad when i got the most important things right in front of me? i’ve realized i’m sad when i focus on myself only and become self absorbed.  the best way to get out of that pity party is to pray to God for all the blessings i do have, think of the more important things in life, and forget myself and serve others and focus on their happiness, not mine .  it works everytime.

anyway whew, on a lighter note, we’re going on a mini staycation for the weekend and i’m sooooo excited!!! i hope you’ll have a wonderful weekend.