The kids were in bed by 8:30 p.m. tonight.  We like them to be in bed by 8 p.m, but my parents seemed a little down lately so I took everyone out to dinner while Jay was at class(yes, he went back to school which is awesome).  As I was lying down with Aiden and feeding him milk to put him to sleep, I made a mental checklist of all the things I need/want to do as soon as he fell asleep such as answering emails, washing plethora of dishes(I swear this is what I spend the most of my day on-washing dishes 5-10 times a day), tidying up the kitchen, order prints online for Adi’s school project, watch one of my favorite shows Goldberg’s.  You see, I get so excited at night when the kids go to bed.  It is finally MY time!  I don’t need to hear “Mom, mom, mom!” every 20 seconds and help someone else, I can do what I want to do.  Well, after the cleaning, washing the dishes, helping my kid’s homework, that is.  

I’ve said this before but we are the worst sleep trainers and have had one of us sleep with all three of our children until they were like three.  We are too weak to let them cry it out.  It just eats my heart inside when I hear them cry so desperately.  It doesn’t help that they were all angel babies and so happy, chill and content and hardly cries in the day, if at all.  So when they do cry, crying for one of us to come be near them, I just can’t take it, I have to go make them happy again.  To not hear their sad little cries one second longer.  Well, it’s 10:45 pm and I am finally having some alone time.  Aiden woke up FOUR times between 8 pm – 10:30 pm.  So I went and lied with him 4 times, only having the time to barely wash the dishes in between.  Blogging is the last thing I should do, but I just need to do something for myself right now before I go insane.  

I hate to admit this and I’m hesitant and nervous in saying this but I have been resenting motherhood lately.  It’s only spurts of moments and most of the time I do love it, and It is no resentment towards my kids whatsoever, my resentment or bitterness is never towards them(because oh my goodness, I love them so much.  I have nothing to complain about, they’re such good, amazing kids) but just at myself.  How I can’t find the time to do everything I want to do.  How motherhood requires me to be so selfless, even more selfless than when I had two kids, but there are so many dreams and ambitions I have!  I have so many.  I want to conquer the world pretty much.  More lately than ever, I’ve been having so much urge for my ambitions that I am constantly stuffing it back in the bottle, but it keeps spewing out.  So when I am constantly reminded that I can’t do this, I can’t do that, I can’t pursue this dream, I can’t go for that dream, it just makes me anxious.  And bitter.  And resentful.  Is it too much to ask to do what I want to do?  No, it’s not.  I have every right to pursue my dreams.  I realize my kids are my greatest passions by far, and nothing else is more important right now than to be there for my kids and raise them, but why can’t I just have it all?  Why can’t I raise kids and pursue my dreams?  

I loved being a stay at home mom when I had two kids.  One kid was nothing.  Now when I only have Aiden, it’s like having no child at all.  Two kids for me was perfectly manageable and perfectly balance-able.  I was able to be a stay at home mom and also have time for myself and time to pursue my many ambitions.  With three kids, I can’t pursue them all.  I would love to sew weekly and post them weekly on the blog, I would love to start my clothing line, I would love to take up on the book offer I received a year ago and actually have the time to write a book(how can I write a book and have it be mostly new content when I want to post sewing DIY’s on the blog to grow my blog?), I would love to make my blog so much cooler and make it grow exponentially, I would love to have a part time job, I would love to hang out with my parents everyday and cook for them everyday, to name a few.  It’s impossible to do all these things at once right now but I really want to.  I so wish I could.  But I can’t, and that makes me a little bitter.  I don’t like being a stay at home mom anymore.  There, I said it.  Maybe it’s a phase, maybe when Aiden is a little older, it’ll go away.  I actually do love the “mothering” part of being a stay at home mom, of playing with them, taking care of them, spending time with them, but I hate the washing, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking part.  I recently read an article about a dad who thought stay at home mothers had it so easy, until he became a stay at home dad.  He said for the first week, he had it.  Then starting the second week, it smacked him in the face and he found it to be the most difficult job he’s ever done and he sincerely apologized to his wife and all the mothers out there.  He said he has no idea how he did it that first week.  Well, I know exactly how, it’s because that first week his wife probably had cleaned the house, went grocery shopping and stocked the refrigerator.  He didn’t have to plan breakfast, lunch & dinner menus for the week, go grocery shopping to buy all the ingredients, and it was only a week so he just had to tidy up here and there, not cleaning the bathrooms, and laundry hasn’t piled up yet.  It’s the 2nd week when you have to do all those things while being a parent and meeting their high demands at the same exact time that is hard.  When I was a nanny at 12 years old to a 7 year old girl and a 1 1/2 yr. old boy from 7:30-5:00 pm every day of the Summer, I never thought it was hard.  So when I got married and became a mom, I thought, “Oh, I got this motherhood thing down, I was a nanny since I was 12!” But oh boy, I know now that the reason why I didn’t think it was hard was because all I had to do was play with them, feed them the prepared lunch(they were already fed with breakfast when I would arrive), and just be there.  I didn’t have to clean, run errands, go grocery shopping, plan menus, do laundry, any of that.  If you only have to play with the kids and do no chores, parenting is easy.  But combine parenting with all the responsibilities that come with parenting, it makes it the hardest job in the world.

I don’t know where I am going with this, I am just writing down my thought process.  Maybe I need to give up some things in life such as blogging?  I’ve “put a pause”(such a better term than “giving up “) in publishing a book & getting a part time job, but do I need to give up, I mean put a pause on more things?  I am so behind so many blog posts because we do so many fun things as a family, should I stop posting about the family stuff and only blog about my sewing, and fashion?  Can you tell me what you would prefer my blog to be?  Should it change to sewing & fashion and tidbits of my thoughts on motherhood, and no more about my family, or should it stay the same?  Do you like reading about my family adventures?  I would love to get your feed back, pretty please.  Don’t comment if you hate when I vent about motherhood, I’ll then take that as a sign and stop writing these posts. 🙂

I know I can get personal on here(only personal about myself, never about my kids or my husband), but I obviously have thick skin and don’t care what people think because I keep writing about my weak moments and my imperfections.  I know who I am and I know I am an excellent person of character and I believe that is precisely the reason why I feel comfortable talking about my imperfections, weaknesses and the struggles.  Because what I share with you are my most weak, shameful moments.  Having this shameful thought that I resent motherhood and I don’t like being a stay at home mom?  It’s one of the worst things I’ve done/thought of for the last 7 years.  If I knew I was a horrible person and didn’t have the self confidence in knowing that I was a good person, I would hide all these stories and keep it to myself!  But if this is the worst thing I’ve ever done, I think that makes me a pretty good person, no?  Haha.  I feel funny saying that, but it’s true.  I know I am a very good person, God knows I am a very good person, I have nothing to hide, and I am confident in myself, enough to share the ugliest part about myself on the internet.  I share this so that people can relate and realize, nobody is perfect.  We all have moments of regret as a mother and we’re already so hard on ourselves and feel guilty constantly that we’re not a better mom, so and so seems to have it all together, I bet so and so never yells at their kid, I am the worst mother in the world…  The thing is, we all have these moments.  Every single one of us mothers.  We’ve all done things we regret to our kids.  We are imperfect.  We are bound to make mistakes.  Being a mother is so joyful and wonderful, but there’s opposition in all things and it can also be so frustrating and hard at times.  We all have shameful moments as mothers.  We just don’t share our shameful moments with each other and keep it a secret.  Even with my closest girlfriends, I can only name one friend who will openly share with me her biggest mistakes, her biggest regrets.  All my other girlfriends I never hear about any of it.  Well, if I’m the only one sharing my shameful moments as a mother, then so be it.  If it ruins my reputation, so be it.  I do not write this blog to gain readership and earn money,, that is not my priority.  I share my weak moments with you so that you can realize that we all have done stuff that’s bad to our kids.  We know what you are feeling, we have been there.  And you are not the only mother that does regretful things so forgive yourself quickly and move on!  Promise yourself to be a better mother and be the better mother today!  Don’t let the past and the guilt drown you to the point that you give up being the good mother or stop you from improving.  My friend texted me last night saying, “Ugh, you’ve inspired me yet again.  Why you gotta be such a great mom?” referring to my previous blog post about carrying my two girls as much as possible before they get too big to do so.  Well Kea, this is for you.  Do you take your words back now? 😉  

The thing is, we all have our struggles and imperfections.  Life kinda sucks sometimes for every single person.  Let’s stop playing the “My life is so perfect game”, shall we?  It’s getting really old.