i was recently talking to my neighbor about whether we both wanted to have more kids and if so, when and she said to me, “i don’t know if i want to have more kids.  i don’t know if i should have anymore kids.  i’m not a very good mother, i really am not!  i get impatient with them, i yell at them, so maybe it’s better that i don’t have anymore kids.”  and i said to her, “i feel the exact same way!  i don’t know if i’ll be a good mother if i have more kids because i’m barely passing to be an ok mother now with just two!”  then i thought, if i feel this way and i thought i was the only one who felt this way, but my next door neighbor happens to feel the same way, then do all mothers feel this way?

the hardest thing for me with being a mother is not the physical part anymore since the pregnancy is over, giving birth is over, breastfeeding is over, running around the store chasing them is over(for the most part), but now it’s the emotional/mental part that is the hardest.  i get so mad and disappointed in myself when i lose my temper at my kids.  when they spill or make a mess over and over again, when they do something right after i tell them no and they do it over and over again, when they whine continuously and throw tantrums all day long, but mostly, when i try to get all three of us to nap together and it takes at least an hour of continuous fidgeting, fighting with each other over the same things everyday(mommy, she has more hair than me!(while i split my hair in half for them to play with), mommy, she keeps taking my blanket! mommy, she keeps starring at me! mommy, she keeps singing, she woke me up!) before they finally fall asleep.  and within that 1-1 1/2 hours i almost fall asleep about 5 times but each time waking up because of their cries/whines/screams, then that’s when i lose it.  

i don’t know why i put myself in that situation everyday but everyday i think oh, maybe it’ll be better today, maybe they’ll fall asleep good together today, but no, most of the time it ends up with me losing it and yelling and one of them crying before falling asleep.  it all started when my oldest daughter said to me one day, “mommy?  when you get a baby in your belly and when the baby comes out of your belly, can i sleep with him?  because daddy doesn’t sleep with me anymore, you don’t sleep with me, and ana doesn’t sleep with me.  so can i please sleep with the baby when he comes out of your belly?” -while tears are welling up in her eyes since i used to put her in bed by herself and then go to ana’s room to sleep with ana.  so yeah, since then, i try to sleep all together.  

i know deep inside making a mess and testing out the waters is just part of growing up and being a kid, and i know i lose it mostly at nap time because i’m super tired and delirious but still, at the moment i’m just not patient to remember all of that.  so then i get mad at them, and then i immediately get really mad at myself and get down on myself and think how i’m not a good mother, how i need to be more patient, more loving, more gentle, it’s a continuous cycle that keeps going.  i am not perfect enough, i’m not good enough, why can’t i always be patient and loving and soft-spoken?  so i keep beating myself up and i get sad and then i apologize to my kids and ask, “will you forgive me?”  and no matter what i’ve done, they always nod their head and accept my big hug and kiss immediately and giggle.  aw.  what angels they are.  and how i don’t deserve them.  

so one day, i was thinking about all of this and then a thought came to me.  well, more of a feeling i guess.  i felt for a moment what God felt towards us mothers and it was that he is grateful.  and proud.  that we are all good mothers.  whether we’re working mothers, single mothers, stay at home mothers, whether we breastfeed or bottlefeed, whether we spank or not spank, whether we home school or send them to public schools, whether we are patient or impatient, whether we feed kids cookies and milk for breakfast once because you were in a hurry and that was all you could come up with(what? i’ve never done that, why is that the first thing that came to my mind? 😉 we are all good mothers.  

we are all good mothers.  me and you.  

we as women feel inadequate many times(speaking for me anyway), but we are good enough.  every mother is a good mother.  no mother is perfect, we are all far from perfect and may feel inadequate.  but that’s normal since we are imperfect!  i would worry about you if you didn’t feel inadequate at times and thought you were a perfect mother!  the definition of adequate is “sufficient for a specific requirement”.  if you love your kids, you are a good mother.  if you are trying continuously to be a better mother, then you are a good mother.  and i can’t think of anymore things than those two things that makes a good mother.  so if you love your kids and you are continuously trying to be a better mother, then you are a sufficient mother.  a good enough mother.  a wonderful mother.  and God can’t ask for anymore than that.  

so this post is for every mother/future mother out there.  you are a wonderful mother.  and God is proud of you and grateful for you.

*(picture taken by my father in law, christmas 2008.  adi was just over a year old and i was 6 1/2 months pregnant with ana)