WARNING: i’m sippin’ on some hatorate right now.
so jay works long hours two days a month and tonight was his 2nd night. i don’t know if i’m bipolar but i’ve been happy and calm all day but then i got so frustrated a moment ago. jay always puts adi to sleep while i put ana to sleep but the days when he works late, i do the same thing i do when i put them down for a nap which is to put ana to sleep first while adi drinks her milk and watches a movie on the ipad on her bed. today though, ana didn’t nap so when we were driving home after a dinner at my mom’s house, she fell asleep in the car. so i carried her into her bed and then got adi ready for bed and lied down with adi in her bedroom. and just as adi was about to fall asleep(and me too), ana woke up and burst into adi’s bedroom crying, which woke both of us up. i should’ve took ana back to her bedroom to try to put her to sleep but i was so tired, i didn’t feel like moving an inch. so i cuddled both girls and tried to fall asleep together but that didn’t work. if one was getting quiet and almost falling asleep, the other one would make noise and wake the other one up and vice versa. but i was hoping they would and spent the next hour trying to while they kept moving every second and rolling around. i kept almost drifting off to sleep like at least 10 times but their movement would wake me back up. so i finally got up with a big sigh, got ana and put her in her bed, and while i went to the kitchen to get her some milk, adi comes out whining saying she didn’t want to go nai nai by herself, and i used my scary voice and scolded her telling her how late it was (past 10 p.m by then), and she needed to go to sleep. NOW. so she went into the room crying and i went into ana’s room to try to put her to sleep.
and i lied there, waiting for ana to fall asleep and feeling terrible that i yelled at adi, and thought to myself how i hate moments like these. how i absolutely do not love being a mother in moments like these. and then i thought of other mothers who seem to be oh so perfect. those that never seem to lose their tempers, who absolutely loves and delights even the moments when their babies are not sleeping and waking them up every 30 mins, crying their eyes out and screaming in your ears, and they say oh they love even those moments and wouldn’t trade those moments for anything. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i would trade those moments for anything! yeah yeah, you wouldn’t appreciate the good times if there were no bad times, but seriously? how can someone looooove moments like that? or the newly mothers who i ask if being a mother has been hard and they say, oh no, not at all, their kid is so perfect and it’s actually easier than they’d thought(REALLY?) and how it’s a piece of cake being a mother. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? my two girls were such good babies(except at night) and it was still soooo hard! i mean, i don’t expect you to spill your guts out when i ask how being a mother is but if i’m asking you if it’s been hard, and you say no, not at all, it makes me feel like crap! am i a horrible mother for hating some moments of motherhood? am i suppose to love those moments too? well, i don’t, so is there something wrong with me? moments like these, i wish someone would swoop me up and take me to somewhere peaceful for one moment of my day because i can’t stand my kids sometimes! they drive me crazy and makes me lose my temper! i know i lack the patience(obviously) and i have a long way to go, but when you act like your life is so perfect and how you’re so perfect that you think being a mother is soooo easy and you love when your kids are yelling and screaming in your ear when you’re so exhausted and tired you’re about to lose your mind,-but oh wait, you’re probably smiling down at your kids, while they’re screaming at you, with a halo on your head- it makes me feel like a terrible terrible mother and a person. life is not a competition to see who’s happier or who’s perfect, it’s about being real and admitting our faults and learning from one another! i want others to be happy, i truly do and don’t expect people to tell others about their bad times, but when you go out of your way to tell others how you’re above everything that you never get frustrated or angry, then yeah, i got a problem with that. probably because i am not like that and can’t fathom how some people can be so dang perfect. or more like why they’re trying to have this persona that they’re perfect. we live in a world where the world/media lives in a “perfect syndrome” where they want everyone else to think they’re perfect in every way like their looks(through major photoshop), or their so called wonderful, perfect lives so why would you encourage that even more? so even though i don’t usually compare myself to others and never wished to be someone else, i guess tonight i did compare myself to the mother with a halo on her head sitting next to me. which you don’t exist anyway. i still wouldn’t wanna be ya though. i like venting, crying, and eating my chocolates, thank you very much.
so until i get my own halo, i will be human and live in the real world.
