WARNING: i’m sippin’ on some hatorate right now.
ο»Ώso jay works long hours two days a month and tonight was his 2nd night. i don’t know if i’m bipolar but i’ve been happy and calm all day but then i got so frustrated a moment ago. jay always puts adi to sleep while i put ana to sleep but the days when he works late, i do the same thing i do when i put them down for a nap which is to put ana to sleep first while adi drinks her milk and watches a movie on the ipad on her bed. today though, ana didn’t nap so when we were driving home after a dinner at my mom’s house, she fell asleep in the car. so i carried her into her bed and then got adi ready for bed and lied down with adi in her bedroom. and just as adi was about to fall asleep(and me too), ana woke up and burst into adi’s bedroom crying, which woke both of us up. i should’ve took ana back to her bedroom to try to put her to sleep but i was so tired, i didn’t feel like moving an inch. so i cuddled both girls and tried to fall asleep together but that didn’t work. if one was getting quiet and almost falling asleep, the other one would make noise and wake the other one up and vice versa. but i was hoping they would and spent the next hour trying to while they kept moving every second and rolling around. i kept almost drifting off to sleep like at least 10 times but their movement would wake me back up. so i finally got up with a big sigh, got ana and put her in her bed, and while i went to the kitchen to get her some milk, adi comes out whining saying she didn’t want to go nai nai by herself, and i used my scary voice and scolded her telling her how late it was (past 10 p.m by then), and she needed to go to sleep. NOW. so she went into the room crying and i went into ana’s room to try to put her to sleep.
and i lied there, waiting for ana to fall asleep and feeling terrible that i yelled at adi, and thought to myself how i hate moments like these. how i absolutely do not love being a mother in moments like these. and then i thought of other mothers who seem to be oh so perfect. those that never seem to lose their tempers, who absolutely loves and delights even the moments when their babies are not sleeping and waking them up every 30 mins, crying their eyes out and screaming in your ears, and they say oh they love even those moments and wouldn’t trade those moments for anything. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i would trade those moments for anything! yeah yeah, you wouldn’t appreciate the good times if there were no bad times, but seriously? how can someone looooove moments like that? or the newly mothers who i ask if being a mother has been hard and they say, oh no, not at all, their kid is so perfect and it’s actually easier than they’d thought(REALLY?) and how it’s a piece of cake being a mother. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? my two girls were such good babies(except at night) and it was still soooo hard! i mean, i don’t expect you to spill your guts out when i ask how being a mother is but if i’m asking you if it’s been hard, and you say no, not at all, it makes me feel like crap! am i a horrible mother for hating some moments of motherhood? am i suppose to love those moments too? well, i don’t, so is there something wrong with me? moments like these, i wish someone would swoop me up and take me to somewhere peaceful for one moment of my day because i can’t stand my kids sometimes! they drive me crazy and makes me lose my temper! i know i lack the patience(obviously) and i have a long way to go, but when you act like your life is so perfect and how you’re so perfect that you think being a mother is soooo easy and you love when your kids are yelling and screaming in your ear when you’re so exhausted and tired you’re about to lose your mind,-but oh wait, you’re probably smiling down at your kids, while they’re screaming at you, with a halo on your head- it makes me feel like a terrible terrible mother and a person. life is not a competition to see who’s happier or who’s perfect, it’s about being real and admitting our faults and learning from one another! i want others to be happy, i truly do and don’t expect people to tell others about their bad times, but when you go out of your way to tell others how you’re above everything that you never get frustrated or angry, then yeah, i got a problem with that. probably because i am not like that and can’t fathom how some people can be so dang perfect. or more like why they’re trying to have this persona that they’re perfect. we live in a world where the world/media lives in a “perfect syndrome” where they want everyone else to think they’re perfect in every way like their looks(through major photoshop), or their so called wonderful, perfect lives so why would you encourage that even more? so even though i don’t usually compare myself to others and never wished to be someone else, i guess tonight i did compare myself to the mother with a halo on her head sitting next to me. which you don’t exist anyway. i still wouldn’t wanna be ya though. i like venting, crying, and eating my chocolates, thank you very much.
so until i get my own halo, i will be human and live in the real world.
Shelley Noble says
Sorry things are so stressed right now, Sarah.
I'm glad you express your real feelings, the good and the bad. Life is best when it's honest I think.
Did you appreciate how 75 of your 1807 followers here gave you such positive feedback about your appearance on the live tv show?
I didn't see anywhere where you accepted the compliments or acknowledged that people were trying to reassure you and that that was a kindness to you.
I didn't see where you acknowledged all the people who might have voted for you in the Mothers with Style contest which required your followers to sign up and go through a few steps to do that for you.
Or when your daughter was feared lost, and many many people tried to tell you their stories and let you know you weren't alone, etc. etc.
Your clothing makeovers are excellent & clever, you are especially pretty (even when pouting over chocolates) and seem to have your heart in the right place so I'd like to suggest that you discover the secret power of being gracious. You'll go even farther than you can dream.
Good luck!
Sarah says
Dear Shelley,
First of all, thanks for your honesty! As much as I'm a honest person and am sometimes blunt with others( I think if you really care about someone, you'll be honest and even blunt with them at times), I can also take it and appreciate it in return! π
I do have to defend myself a little bit hehe, but I did write a post about how I appreciated everyone's kind comments about my t.v segment and how I had the best, most caring readers. And with losing my kid for a little bit, I commented on the comments section of that post thanking everyone(including you;) for sharing their stories and tips. And I haven't thanked people for voting for me for moms with style yet because I wanted to officially do it with a giveaway from me but I've had giveaways lined up so I haven't had the chance to post my giveaway yet. So I want to let you know that I appreciate your honest comments and the support so much! I read all my comments and I'm grateful for every one of them. Hope you have a great day!
Kind regards,
Sarah
Sarah says
(comment sent from Mary)
Hi
I wanted to comment about this entry in your blog, but I don't have a google account, but I really wanted to give my opinion.
My name is Mary, I live in UK, London with my husband Michelangelo and our two boys Sebastian, 6 and Diego, 2. I really enjoy reading your blog because it is so real, you show the good and not so good things that happen in your life. Sorry if my english is not good and I don't make sense, but I am venezuelan.
I understand what you say about your kids and maybe I will sound horrible, but thank you so much for showing me I am not the only one who feels like that sometimes.
I don't know if the other mothers you are talking about are in this situation, but mostly all the mothers I know say the same (they enjoy every moment of motherhood) but because they can have time for themself from time to time.
This is my situation: I am an architect and I was working until my second child Diego was born. Here in the UK you can have one full year of maternity leave after your child is born and I enjoyed it soooo much. The waking up in the middle of the night to feed the baby even when I was feeling like a zombie, the crying, the lack of sleep and taking care of a 4 year old child who was feeling jealous. After a year, when he started in the nursery and I went back to work the things started to go bad. My eldest child was very angry going very early to breakfast club and the someone else was paid to take him to school and pick him up in the afternoon to be taken to afterschool club until mummy arrive at 6:30 to take him home to have a really quick dinner and straight to bed.
Sarah says
(comment from mary continued)
My 1 year old baby was going to a nursery 51 hours a week!!! I started feeling like crap, like a really BAD mother, not being able to see my children grow. And in the weekends I wasn't really feeling like going out and that made my eldest even more upset.
I decided that was enough, I always wanted to be a mum and I was missing the best and, in my opinion, more important years of my children, when I can teach them good principles, the ones my parents taught me and not the ones they have in a very "don't be an innocent child for so long" place like Europe (I love London, but is not the best place to keep your children enjoying childhood and being children for long time).
I quit and I was soooooo happy for a while. Sebastian was back to being a very smiley boy again and I was enjoying my baby Diego. Until well, I started needing time for myself again.
Especially lately, as I am not working now we don't have the same money we had before, and also, my husband is doing a postgraduate course right now (just for a year) and we have to save as much as possible. I really, reaaally need some time alone, with no kids or husband (well, maybe just with my husband) without worrying to make dinner on time or taking them to bed on time or ANYTHING ON TIME, just when I want to!! I also love crafting A LOT, and I have not been able to do it properly for a long time. It was a very relaxing time for me, especially doing girly stuff (sometimes for me, sometimes for my friends daughters) as I have boys I needed to let the girl part out from time to time. But then if I was doing something with them here there was: Mummy I am hungry, can I have a snack?… Mummy I am still hungry … Now I am thirsty … Mummy, Diego is bothering me … Mummy I am bored … Mummy, can you play with me? (with cars or kind of wrestling or any other very boyish game I honestly don't enjoy) … Mummy I am hungry again and thirsty again. By the end I just threw whatever I was doing back to the cupboard, and I finished very frustrated and upset.
I read your blog and you sound like a very dedicated mum, you really love your children and they look like very happy ones, but sometimes maybe we just need time for ourselves, just US!! And it doesn't look you spend some alone time very often. So we can miss them, we can start missing the crying and the fighting and that is what I need. Look, I am even feeling really bad right now, just saying I WANT TO MISS MY CHILDREN, I WANT TO BE APART FROM THEM FOR A WHILE SO I CAN MISS THE FIGHTING AND THE MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY, MUUUUUMMY AGAIN. So next time they fight I won't be bothered so much because I know I felt worst when I didn't have them with me.
I think is even good for them to be apart from us from time to time, so they can also miss us. Am I a very bad person saying that? Well, we are all human beings (children or adults) and we need to valuate (I don't know if I am using the correct word) what we have.
My mum (she lives in Venezuela) wanted to come to London to visit and then take Sebastian with her during summer holidays to Venezuela, while I stay with Diego here in London. There is where I feel like a loving mum again, when I realise how much I love them and how much I need them with me. Even though he is been really naughty (really really naughty) lately and driving me CRAZY, I CANNOT do that. I know I am not going to be able to sleep knowing my child is nearly 5000 miles away, 7500 kilometers, about 13 hours flying time away from me, knowing I will not be able to kiss him good night or give him a hug when he has a nightmare.
Sarah says
(from mary continued)
And I really, really know I will miss the fights and the wrestling and the playing with cars with him. In the end I told my mum I couldn't do it and she understood, so I will plan something else, some alone time but closer to them.
Well, this email was suppose to be short, sorry for writing so much.
Don't worry, you are just a human being who need time for yourself, remember you didn't have kids for a lot more years than the number of years you have been a mum now. We need to get use to it veeery slowly and usually when we do they are already leaving to make their own life π
I've been thinking of doing a blog too, but I don't know how to start, maybe I will just go for it and see how it goes. And I am definitely writing the best, the good, the bad and the worst things of my life π
Take care
Mary
Sarah says
Dear Mary,
I'm so happy you emailed me with your comment! I have posted the comment on the blog post so other mothers can read your words also. Hope that's okay. π
I'm so glad you can relate with me! You seem like a wonderful mother to be giving up your career goals and staying with your precious ones at home, it must've took a lot of courage and guts on your part. So I commend you for that. And oh my, sometimes I want to miss them too! I feel so smothered at times and yes you are so right, we're like their maid and their slave, them asking for something every second of the day! So you are not a bad person for saying that, you're just real.
And you should definitely start a blog! I would read it! π
thanks for commenting again,
Sarah
Misty and Eve says
Funny, I was just thinking about this as I was trying to put my youngest, who is sick, back to bed. All the while I am thinking about the times I hate being "the mom" because that is who is responsible for clean up when someone pukes (6 times today and 2 baths.) That is who is responsible when someone has an accident. That is who is responsible to replace the toilet paper so that no one will get stuck on the toilet screaming or stomping for help. Yah, I had a lot of time to think about it. My little one didn't want to go back to bed. I think it's normal. Wow! I hope it is.
Eve
bumblebliss.blogspot.com
Selene says
Just started reading your blog…must be something in the air. I've been feeling a lot like that myself lately. I've got two boys (3 and 2 months) and they exhaust me and tag team me all the time! And you're right, I consider myself lucky because I know there are more terrible kids out there and it truly IS difficult! I don't know how single parents do it! Hang in there Sarah! Some days are like that I'm sure, but they DO get better…they have to!!
Melanie says
Hi Sarah,
I have to say, I appreciate your comments and your honesty immensely. I don't have children yet, and while I plan to have them "some day", the thought of it terrifies me. I know I will never be one of those "perfect mothers." I will be the one to cry myself to sleep, to yell at my children and regret the harsh tone in my voice, and to wish for the freedom of my "old" life… It may sound like negativity or something, but really, I am being honest with myself… I know having children will change my life, but I also know I'm surrounded by people who are "perfect mothers" and that's a hard thing to live up to.. Anyways, I just wanted to say I feel for you and I'm sure you're doing a great job. It's not an easy thing to do, hang in there π
Thirsty says
welcome to the real life angel mommy department. We wear rusty old halo's, doze on skinny white clouds and use second hand wings full of patches..wearing robes so wooly that it stratches.
Thanks for being real.
We've all been there.
Free unsoliticted advice warning:
Start a new bed time/nap time routine and teach them to fall asleep on their own…its got to happen sometime..start now while you're still sane.
Jessica says
My husband has been working out of town during the week for a couple of months now and it's SO hard. Whenever I feel really crummy about it, I go to this blog:
http://www.beinthemomentphoto.com/blog/
This woman just lost her husband to cancer and she is the mom to two small kids. I read it and try to remember that things could be a lot worse.
Hang in there, it does get easier the older they get.
Jessica
LilMissSeamstress says
Sarah,
I so hear you and although I am not a mom myself(your blog will be a tremendous help and support if I become one one day), your posts are just so real and honest and I so so so appreciate it! Especially the part you wrote " life is not a competition to see who's happier or who's perfect"
Thanks for your honesty,
Jin,
jaime says
Hi there,
I have been reading your blog for a while now and really enjoy it. I especially appreciate your honesty. Motherhood is hard, sometimes thankless, frustrating, and wonderful. I believe people who not admit struggling with it at times are lying to themselves, or they are not fully present in their lives.
My three year old daughter kept waking up in the middle of the night wanting water. I was so frustrated and tired as I knew she wasn't really thirsty. I tried everything and nothing worked. Finally when I had just about given up and I just asked her if she would please sleep through the night, because I was so tired from having to get up and I really needed my sleep so we could play and have a great time during the day. I also added that it would make me really happy if she did this. To my amazement it work!
Every child is different and there is no right answer. Just don't give up, you will find you answer!
Cheers,
Jaime
Tahnee says
hey sarah! i feel ya girl π …. i LOVE how your blog is just so real! my husbands family owns a sod farm and he is gone working ALL THE TIME! like 6am–9pm. we have an 8 month old and it does get hard at times! sometimes i just want some ME time! but i honestly dont get any ME time…my family lives in AZ and my husbands family lives 2 hours south of us… so i dont really have a babysitter! maybe thats what we both need… just some ME time every once in a while!
LOVE YOUR BLOG… thanks π
Paulette, Jvona & Rachel says
A big AMEN sista! We all need a mommy time out. I'm sure Jay understands that. Don't be too hard on yourself. We are all human.
Paulette
harmony says
hey sarah! it's been a while since i've been back in the blogging world but i stumbled upon this post and i just HAD to comment…
i think you just got in the heads of so many mothers out there. whenever someone else's life seems so perfect – honestly, i have a hard time believing it. nobody's perfect and we all have our struggles. just lastnight i picked up my kids from my in-laws after i got off of work and my son didn't want to come home with me. he wanted to stay at grandma's (where he can eat chocolate and play violent video games all day). i was so hurt because i hadn't seen him all day long and i missed him. he got so upset that i took him home with me he told me, "i hate you, mommy" UGGGHHH!!! it broke my heart.
ANEEEWAAAAAY…sorry for the novel, but i thought you should know that we all share the joys & burdens of motherhood and anybody who makes you feel less than a wonderful mother (your blog says that you ARE!!) needs to get a serious reality check. =) hope things only get better!
oh ya – tell jay sup. thanks for letting me vent! heehee.
Mary Ann says
i agree with the consensus of the comments. real mothers get frustrated; lose patience, regroup, and *try* to do better. we are human and falter. it's okay; as long as our children know we love them, that's the important part.
also, having two toddlers is also a heavy weight. i can imagine what you go through. i have two boys: 2 and 3 years old and am 8 months preggers. sometimes i *wish* my mom was closer so i could drop them off with her and take some time for me.
νμ¨!
i was a high school teacher for a few years and saw many, many adolescents that weren't disciplined, or given the "scary voice" or "scolded" at. children need this discipline. you're doing fine. don't feel bad or guilty for using your scary voice or scolding your children. disciplining children shows them that you love them enough to have rules for them to abide by.
like a previous poster said, it gets easier as they get older. (i hope!). hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself. i think the women that paint a perfect picture of their mothering skills aren't in tune/in touch with who they really are OR have tons and tons of help. they are more concerned with how people will perceive them rather than having a real dialogue with mothers that can ease/help during frustrating times. either that, or they only have one child. it's a different ball game when you can concentrate on one child.
Misti says
Love your little blog! I am here via Blog Her while scouting DIY…anyway, you went into my feed reader so I can't wait to see what else you make!
Carrie Taylor says
I feel for you. We have the same situation here and I don't see it changing anytime soon. I've tried and my oldest is almost 5 but he has sleep issues so we cut him some slack. The other is 2 1/2 and copies big brother in everything! Worst part is kids act up more when daddy is away at night, at least it was that way with all the other Navy moms I talked to as well as myself. Kids know when things are different so they act out, although it feels intentional! Hang in there, you are probably doing better than those "perfect moms" because you can admit you aren't perfect. I've met those ladies and avoid them. Good luck and know you are not alone!
Carrie
Katie says
All I can say is… YAY! I'M NOT ALONE!
Thank you, Sarah and all the awesome women who commented. I wish we could all get together for pedicures (w/o the kids)!
Evie says
Ladies
Thank you for opening your hearts in this post and to Sarah for starting the conversation.
I have two children aged 2 and 3 and my husband works away from home at least 2 nights a week, oftentimes 4.
I spend a lot of my time thinking I'm the worlds worst mother and wishing I was more patient, better dressed, more organised, fed the children better, had a cleaner and more stylish home, was more creative, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It sucks and drains away from this precious time with my babies who will be at nursery 5 mornings a week from September, with my daughter starting school in 18 months. I don't want to look back on this time as the time I was "shrieky mummy".
Conversations like this not only make me realise that, contrary to popular mythology, I am not alone, but also that it's ok to let some of the stuff go and just enjoy being mummy without it being perfect.
Thank you all.
elesa says
Yeah, you absolutely are not alone. I guess it is possible that some women actually do love every single second of being a mother, but I think the rest of us have just been trained to think that we aren't supposed to say anything when it is hard. I don't want to hear women complaining about their kids all the time, but sometimes it IS hard, and sometimes I just want to know that I am not the only one who feels that way. So thanks!
Mommy Moxie says
You are certainly not alone! Anyone that tells you being a mother is easy is full of crap (or has a full time nanny). We all know it's the hardest job out there by far. There are days when I am so frustrated and want to put my kid on eBay, but then I remember the cute things he does, like reaching for me from his crib first thing in the morning for a hug and kiss. Those save him π
So ignore those that try to make you feel inferior in the mommy department and just try your hardest to raise the best kids YOU can, because frankly, that's all that counts.
Good luck!
Nicole@MommyMoxie
Steph says
Totally gave a talk on this subject during sacrament meeting this past Mother's Day… I feel like I'm in a motherhood funk, and feeling super guilty about it. I can't tell you how many of my ward members came to me afterward and thanked me for my honest thoughts. You are definetly not alone and don't you dare feel guilty about not enjoying every single second of being a mom cause it is not always easy or fun!