I just had a melt-down a couple hours ago. I am all better now, it happens to me once in a blue moon since I’ve become a mother. I would say this was probably my 4th time breaking down in the last 16 months I’ve been a mommy so it comes once every 4 months statistically speaking which is okay I think. I don’t have depression or anything. I think…nah. I’m normal right? Or am I the only one that feels this way sometimes…
It all started with putting Adalie to sleep. We were too weak sauce to let her cry it out so ever since she’s been born, we have been lying by her side at night and sneaking out ever so sneakishly out of the bedroom without waking her up. If she does happen to wake up and stir, we jump back on the bed at the speed of lightening and pretend like we never left the bed. And this ritual goes throughout the whole night. If she wakes up at 1 a.m and we’re still awake, one of us runs to the bedroom to lie by her side until she falls asleep again. For those of you with a newborn or soon to be mothers, DO NOT do what we did. It is a HUGE NO NO!!! Here we are 16 months later spending about 3 hours a day trying to put her to sleep, an hour each for 2 nap times during the day and one hour at night. Jay sleeps with Adalie in our bedroom and I sleep alone in the basement. (Adalie does not sleep well if I’m next to her for some reason. She loves to play with my hair and she’ll just play with it for hours and hours instead of falling back asleep! It drives me insane!)
So tonight was no different than any other night, we bathed her, fed her milk and I lied down with her to put her to sleep(Jay and I take turns each day), sang her some primary songs while scratching her back, and giving her a full body massage and scalp massage(yeah she’s spoiled, I wish I got the same treatment). She fell asleep within 5 mins.(hallelujah!) and I stayed another 15 mins. to make sure she was in a deep sleep before leaving the bedroom. Then I changed into my grunge clothes and went upstairs to help Jay paint our bathroom and bedroom(we’re getting carpet, new tile, sink, cabinet, walk-in closet all by this Monday whoop whoop). Everything was going good and Jay had to sweep the floor which must’ve been loud because Adalie woke up and started crying. So I went down to lie down with her, hoping it wouldn’t take her long to fall back asleep. 10 mins. 20 mins. 30 mins. 40 mins. 50 mins. one hour, one hour and 10 mins. one hour and 20 mins. later she is still freakin fiddling with my hair and moving every 3 secs.! By this time I lost all the patience I had and started using my serious, scary voice to tell her, “Adalie, GO NAI NAI.” She would quickly lie back down and pretend to close her eyes only to open it back up 2 secs. later and get up again. “ADALIE. GO NAI NAI NOW. IT’S YOUR BEDTIME.” Same thing over again. Oh my gosh, I don’t know why but I HATE HATE HATE it when she does this!!! AHHHH!!! It makes me so angry! ARGH!!! I’m getting mad again just by telling the story!!!
Ok, calm down Sarah. Deep breath. Whew. So I just get up and walk out of the room while Adalie behind me starts whining and crying and I get mad at Jay. Yep, I blame him for sweeping the floor and tell him how I absolutely HATE it when she does this. Jay goes in the room and comes out 25 mins. later as Adalie is still fussing and crying. So we let her cry it out tonight. It lasted only 15 mins. Thank goodness or we would’ve gave up like we always do. Sigh.
Then I check my phone which I haven’t done for the past 6 hours and it’s bunch of missed calls and texts from my friends. One wanted to go out to dinner with her husband, Jay, me and Adalie. I would’ve loved to talk on the phone and catch up with my other friend who called. Then I got in a pissier mood because I would’ve loved to go out to dinner or catch up with my friend. Then I think about all my friends and married friends who have no kids(which are about 95%) and think about how they have no obligation or responsibility of a child and can do whatever they want whenever they please, be spontaneous, irresponsible and fun. My fun consists of going to a puppet show every Friday morning with my daughter. Oh and doing my weekly grocery shopping. That’s about the only times I get out of the house on a structure basis. My single friends always ask me, “What are you doing today?” all excitedly and I want to say, “Well, my plans are to do 2 seperate loads of laundry, one white and one dark, then fold them and put it away, to wash the dishes, fix food for Adalie and feed her every 3-4 hrs., clean up her mess and wash more dishes, read to her, change her poop diapers twice, pee diapers every 2-3 hrs. or so, entertain her constantly and play with her, feed her milk and put her down for two naps, when she wakes up, to feed her juice, fix a meal, feed her, plan a dinner menu for a week and make a grocery list and look up all the recipes, pick up Adalie’s toys/spills/messes she makes throughout the day, clean the toilet, the sink, the mirrors, the carpet, the countertops, it’s pretty much the same exact schedule every single day.”
But of course these things are not considered “plans”, it’s just a daily chore that’s boring to tell. So I say, “Oh nothing much, oh I do need to go grocery shopping. I think that’s about it.” No wonder why people think being a mother is so easy huh?
Being a stay at home mom is by far not the most exciting, glamorous job. It gets VERY mundane. Am I gonna get struck by lightening for saying that? Maybe. Do I even bother to take a shower or put on make up in the day? No way. I attempt to look half descent right before my husband comes home, oh wait, that was before I was pregnant and tired with no energy, never mind.
So being over 9 months pregnant and not getting out of the house much except for grocery shopping, a puppet show at the library and walks right outside our house, I exceeded my limit. Jay and I seriously need to do date nights every week oh never mind, we’re gonna have our second child any day now. My highlight of the week is waking up on Tuesday and realizing I have a whole new episode of The Bachelor I tivo’ed the night before. Other than that my excitement level is at the lowest as I stay at home all day and then end the night with surfing the internet or watching HGTV.
I have been so anal and moody the last week or so. Is it because I’m 9 months pregnant and SO ready to pop out this baby? Did any of you other mothers get really moody too? Is it because I hardly get a good nights sleep due to the immense uncomfortability? Is that a word? I feel so bad for Jay who has to put up with me and he is so sweet despite my moodiness and pessimism. I always prided myself in the fact that I was very optimistic but I’m one of the most pessimistic people I know ever since I’ve gotten pregnant and became a mother. Something little happens and I think the world is over. Literally. Before, I would’ve laughed and thought it was funny in some way. Who am I becoming…?
So really, am I the only mother out there that feels this way? That sometimes the mundane life of a mother gets to me and I want to scream and get out? Does that make me a horrible mother?
But then as soon as I see Adalie, it all melts away? Just by typing that and thinking about her I am no longer bitter or angry one bit? And I realize all of this insanity is worth it because she is so darn cute and I love her to death? Literally?
oh sarah… U SHOULD FEEL very GUILTY!…. JUST KIDDING! you sound exactly like me…. everyday i feel like im doing laundry and cleaning and cooking, i dont even want to cook bc i am so wasted by the end of the day… I completely understand… sometimes i feel like im going to u know where for how i feel sometimes… FREQUENTLY! I used to want 4 kids… but then i think how i do enjoy me time too… so then i think ill just have 2… and then i feel guilty and like im really going to heck… so… I totally understand! if i were in utah i would come and help u! i miss u!
hey sarah! life as a mom is definitely not easy. I feel like that sometimes too! just get frustrated doing the same things over and over again. but each moment with kaden is one of the most rewarding things we have as a mother. wow i’m impressed you guys are patient enough to stay with adalie until she sleeps. I couldn’t do that…hehe. props for you! oh yea you can add me on the blog if ya want. (you did shoot me a comment about that right?..lol)
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah…that little rant was exactly what every mother goes through continually. I totally understand and whole heartedly agree with every word you said. Sometimes it is just so hard even though it really isn’t! You are an awesome mother and wife and you are doing the best you can which is all anyone can ask of you. I can’t believe you only have these melt downs every four months! Mine are every other week!! Ha! I promise that next week will be better and then the week after that will suck again and so on and so on. It’s so up and down when you are a stay at home mom. Just know that we all understand and love you and support you and most importantly we have all been there too!
Sarah I think you are a wonderful mother and I can only imagine how you would feel…You are fantastic and Adalie is so lucky to have a mother who cares and loves her so much! I have more melt downs concerning things that are not important quite often…I’m impressed π Anyways I just wanted to let you know how much I love you! And please let me know if you need anything…seriously anything! MUAH!
ps let us know whenever you need babysitters..Colby and I love spending time with Adalie! love you
Hey Sarah, it’s Luana…in case you might be thinking it’s Bryant (lol)…you are totally normal! It’s definitely hard to be a stay at home mom as I too live the lavish life of laundry, poopy diapers and the awesome freedom of getting to go grocery shopping! It’s crazy at times and I always try to remind myself that even though I don’t get enough me time, or hubby and me time, I wouldn’t trade any of it for the time I get to spend with Ilihia. Then, I think of my friends here that have kids and how I am basically the only one that gets to stay home with my child and realize how special that really is. I can’t imagine what it must be like with another on the way, but I’m sure you will do great! OH, and if it makes you feel any better, we were weak sauce to and still have Ili in our bed with us every night! π
FORSURE, its totally normal…I am glad you are feeling better:) LOVE YOU*
Im not a Mom yet but even as a wife I feel that way sometimes…I think its a FEMALE thing;-) It think ti comes from our need to be EVERYTHING to EVERYONE. We want to be super mom, gorgeous gourmet cook wife and independant, smart and modern women while trying to fulfill church callings and maintaining our relationships outside of our home. But like you said at the end of your post…when we look at the big picture it is all worth it and as a 32 year old women with no children of my own…I pray everyday to be able to have a healthy child that I can stay home with!!! I hope things get better and Im excited for your newest angel to grace our presence;-) Love ya!
hey. this is amy. hot topic! π after reading your mini rant i had to think about it for a bit and try to add something new to all these very true comments. i think that motherhood is so hard because it is a 24-hour 365-day job. no vacation. no sickdays. no MATERNITY LEAVE. π
when i was preggo w/ avy girl my stress level definitely skyrocketed around 8 months. my son wasn’t perfect enough! and i wasn’t ready for her to come. he was still waking up at night calling for mommy. he still needed me SO much. i still hated doing laundry. i didn’t think i had enough attention to give them both and i had just gotten use to the way my life was with one child and #2 was making an appearance sooner than later and everything wasn’t perfection yet. but it never is. i found i was just spazzing myself out with this unattainable picture of perfection i wanted avy to be born into and that was ridiculous.
and then the second child comes and things get a little worse before they get better. i had some guilty feelings about sharing my love and attention and not being able to just sit and hold and stare at my newborn. but the good news is that with the second child comes some perspective. it gets to the point where you do what you need to do and you accept things more readily and the stress level drops. it’s ok that my kids are wearing their pajamas all day. it’s ok that paka watched his movie twice today. it’s ok that avy girl whines for 10 minutes while paka and i are cooking dinner. it’s ok that i had them go to moms and i forced b to take me out otherwise i’d go a little crazy. π
my advice ultimately is to rant when you need to rant. walk away when you’re stress level is too high. babies don’t hurt themselves by crying. and always try to be grateful for all that you are blessed with.
i know you don’t have parents or inlaws here but you do have a lot of good friends who would love to watch the kid. it’s not an imposition. i don’t know what i’d do without my mom to watch them AT LEAST once a week. and sometimes we just drop them off and come home to spend a few quiet hours. so call us – for real!
wow…this “comment” could have been it’s very own blog post…ha ha
later gator
I can totally relate! I was trying to put Nolan to sleep for the night but after 30 min, no luck. He was sleeping earlier but woke up and realized he was alone in the bedroom. I wanted to be more strict about bedtime so I told myself that I wasn’t going to let him get out of his bedtime this time. So since he wasn’t going to sleep I decided to let him cry it out for a bit. After 20 minutes of checking in on him every 3 min, he was still crying hard and I couldn’t take it. So I gave in and took him out of the bedroom. I gave him to Josh and said, “Here. Watch him for 30 minutes.” I locked myself in our bedroom and did a cardio workout video (yeah, picture me in our tiny bedroom doing kicks and punches along with a buff woman on my laptop screen). I felt so good afterwards and Nolan seemed so happy to be in the bouncer instead of sleeping. Ooohh well.. maybe I’ll be more strict next time.
Also, puppet shows and grocery shopping are pretty much my highlights during most weeks. Sometimes I tell myself I should make more of an effort to see my friends, but they’ve got their own lives going on too. I just wish they were all in the same place as me so we could all just hang out and be mommies together. Maybe I should just try to make new friends with mommmies. Nah, I suck at that. Anyway, we should come visit you guys soon. I feel like it’s been awhile, even though it’s only been a week. And I should blog more. Feels kinda good to type this all out. See ya sis-in-law.
Thanks girls for your words and understanding what I was going through, it makes me feel so much stronger knowing that I have so many mothers out there that go through the same thing! you guys are the best π