So this is Adi & Ana with their juice cups.  They are very, very attached to their juice cups and have been drinking from it since they were about 10 months old.  It’s actually their milk cups, which they drink from it in the morning when they wake up, right before nap time, and right before they go to bed.  We’ve been trying for about a year to wean them off of their milk cups(they drink water and juice just fine with regular cups), but haven’t succeeded yet.  We’ve upgraded the milk cups to a bigger size, switched out the suction/nipple part a few times from wear and tear, including a couple months ago when Ana bit off the suction part.  We told her that this was the last time we got her a new juice cup, and if she bites off the suction part again, then that was it, and she would have to start drinking from a regular cup.

Well, tonight as she was drinking milk from her milk cup before bedtime, she bit off the suction part and a chunk of it came off.  It didn’t just happen from tonight, it was a combination of the past couple months of her chewing it , and it had it’s last straw.  Right after it came off, she ran to the corner of the living room devastated, and just started bawling.  She was so heart broken!  Two things she always asks for before napping or going to bed is her milk cup and her blankie.  She is so attached to those two things, so with one of her security item gone, and remembering what we said about how we weren’t going to buy her a new one, her little heart was broken and she cried for a good while.  Then when she slowly came back to where Jay and Adi was, Adi says to her, “AaaannnaaaAAA-!”  with the same/reprimanding voice that I use, and then she quickly says, “You can use my suction thing, Ana.”  Jay then said to her, “What are you going to use?” and she said, “I will just drink from a regular cup so that Ana can use mine.”

I was downstairs during this time with my bachelorette GNO, so I heard all this from Jay, after the girls were in bed and as Jay and I were cleaning the kitchen.  And as I was washing the dishes, I felt a gush of tear and gratitude that we are doing a good job after all.  That I’m not so bad of a mother after all.

I had lunch with my friend a few days ago and I told her how I thought I would’ve been a way better mother than I actually am.  That since my dream occupation since I was 5 years old was to be a mother, and I babysat since I was 12 every weekend, and nannied a family to 1 year old and a 7 year old every day of the summer for two years from 8-5 pm, I didn’t think it was going to be that hard, and how I was going to be this amazing stay at home mother.  But then my dream came true and I didn’t love every minute of it like I thought I would.  That the first time I got burned out being a mother, I thought I was a terrible mother for feeling so.  That being a nanny wasn’t that hard, so I thought being a mother was going to be the same.  That I saw all these mothers who said they loved every minute of it, and I felt super guilty and inadequate that I didn’t love every minute of it.  That sometimes I just need to get out of the house and have some time just for me.  To get out with my husband or my girlfriends without the kids, and enjoy being myself without worrying/tending to my kids.  To first feel like me, instead of feeling like a mother first. 

My friend also said to me, “Me too!  I thought I was going to be a way better mother too!”  And shared some of her stories with me too.

But then I guess even we didn’t know just how hard being a mother is.  How challenging and self-motivating, selfless of a job it is to be a good mother.  How it will test your patience to the maximum and stretch your capacity to be a better person in every extreme possible way.  And no one will ever know just hard it is to be a mother until they actually become one themselves.  

So tonight I felt assured and validated that all my work, effort, and sacrifice is really paying off.  That I have two really great, wonderful children.