I’ve had two regrets this past week that I couldn’t seem to shake off. The first one was when Adi had a VIP week and all week long she was the VIP where they spent a few minutes each day talking about her favorite things. Then on the last day of the week, we all came to her classroom(Jay, me, Ana, Aiden & Achilles) and talked about where we’re from, our favorite stories about Adi and some things we like to do as a family. Adi picked out this camping quiet book to bring to show to her class and I was the spokesperson for the family. Last year in her Kindergarten class, she had a VIP week also and we all came to her classroom and it lasted about 3 mins. We basically introduced ourselves and that was it. So thinking it was only going to be a few minutes this time, I was feeling rushed. But I wish the teacher had told me how long we’d be there because we were there for about 20 mins.! But not knowing how long we’d be there, and after sharing two cute stories about Adi, pointing to the map where we’re from, letting everyone pet Achilles, I quickly opened up the camping book and began to show the students. There’s a part in the book that has a lamp that lights up and right when I was about to press the light and show it, Adi tugged at the book and said, “I want to press it!” I gently pushed her hand away and said authoritatively, “No, Adi, let me just quickly show it.” and turned on the lamp light. I heard Adi let out a short sigh in disappointment.
After it was over, and that night when I lied down in bed, I thought about the day and anything I need to work on(I do this every night) and this instance came to my mind and I instantly felt regret and guilt. ‘Why didn’t I just let Adi press the light? It wasn’t even a big deal, and she was so excited to show her friends that the lamp turned on, why didn’t I let her? What did I gain from pressing it myself and not letting her do it?’ For several days, I felt constant guilt in my heart and I kept reprimanding myself.
Then a few days later we went to her friend’s birthday party. It was a Princess tea party by a pond. After the party was over, the kids were playing by the pond and next thing I know, Adi comes up to me drenched! She had fallen in the pond. I laughed at first but was a little irritated because I had just cleaned off Aiden and I was PMS’ing and so tired, and was getting weary of wiping and cleaning the kids continuously. Then she tried to hug me so I could get wet too and I backed away telling her no. As I was getting something to dry her off with, she came and hugged me, getting me all wet! I scolded her, “Adi! I told you to not get me wet! Ugh, now I have dirty pond water all over my clothes!”and then when I sprayed her with clean water, she grabbed the hose and splashed me, laughing the whole time. I scolded her again! Why can’t she just listen? I thought.
Well, that night as I was self-analyzing how I spent the day and what I could improve on, I thought of this instance and immediately felt regret and guilt. ‘Oh, was Adi embarrassed so she tried to make light of the situation by getting me wet and splashing me, trying to make it funny and making her friends laugh? She probably was embarrassed, she had fallen in the pond! Why did I get annoyed? I should’ve just laughed it off and tried to make her feel better. Ugh, I suck. I need to be better at being patient and not scolding the kids in front of other people, especially in front of their friends.”
So while still feeling guilty and regretful the next day, I realized that I could repent and have this constant guilt and regret go away! So I prayed to God and asked for forgiveness, and promised him that I would do better next time, to try to think in my kids’s shoes so I can accommodate their needs and feelings accordingly. And I went up to Adi and while we cuddled in bed, I told her I was sorry for those two instances. That I’ve been feeling bad all week about it. She said to me, “Mom, I didn’t care about pressing the lamp, you didn’t make me sad! Mommy, I wasn’t embarrassed when I fell in the pond, I just thought it would be funny!” I asked her a couple more times, are you sure you weren’t embarrassed? Are you sure you didn’t feel even a little sad that I didn’t let you press the lamp light? “No mom, I wasn’t sad at all. In real life!” She says “in real life” instead of “For real, I promise!”
So was I a little too hard on myself? Maybe. I could’ve just explained her my feelings and apologized to her right after it happened, that would’ve spared me a week long of guilt!
I am grateful for the purity and the innocence of little kids. They forget and forgive so easily, and don’t hold a grudge. I am so grateful I get to be a mother to 3 kids who are such a joy in my life. My life has so much more conviction, meaning, and happiness because of them. I am also grateful, so grateful for a God who is also so forgiving. I know God is real because only a higher being, a higher being who is kind and merciful and good can take my guilt away in an instant. No power on earth can do that.
So if any of you are feeling guilty about something as a mother, go and apologize to your kids! They’ll forgive and forget so easily. They probably have already forgotten about it. And give yourself more credit as a mother. We are too hard on ourselves. You are doing a wonderful job. You are a wonderful mother.
Linh Vo says
Thanks for the reminder Sarah. Loved reading this and knowing I'm not alone. Today was a little rough with Marli and I scolded her a few times for saying "no" toooo many times and how her hitting objects was "hurtful" to which she quickly replied "mama I sawwww" (meaning mama I'm sorry). It's so hard being a kid and I always have to remind myself of that, but dang…my heart seriously melts when she says those 3 little words and then gives me multiple kisses to make up for it. Yea…I sure am lucky to be her mama. And yes, YOU are wonderful lady! :()
Linh
http://abeautifulrawr.com
Kailee says
That was a great post! Thanks for always being so real on your blog, I love it. I think it's really cool that you apologized to her, because apologizing to anyone, even kids, is still hard and takes guts!
Angie says
Great post. Thank you.