I made my son cry hysterically today. He was whining and talking with attitude in the other room then started freaking out and eventually crying. I thought his whining just accelerated so I yelled at him to stop whining and take care of it himself, so I can finish my emails.
The most excruciating and the worst part of motherhood for me is not the lack of freedom or free time. It’s not the memory loss I suffer after having kids, nor giving up my fit, toned body I had pre-kids, or all the things I am sacrificing like my career or education.
It is the constant reminder of my weaknesses. The constant reminder that I’m not good enough. That I failed again. That I yelled again. That I wasn’t attentive enough, fun enough, sweet enough, don’t feed them fruit/veggies enough, patient enough, loving enough, not enough. That I should have handled or reacted way better. That my pure and precious children deserve to be treated better, with more grace and calm. That I probably damaged my children mentally and emotionally from my yelling or outbursts or freaking out. That they’ll learn and mimic my bad examples throughout their lives.
3. I am still wondering if #3 is true. I want to believe that all the trauma I think I cause my children disappears when I repent and I’m forgiven, but a part of me is still like, really? Is that really true?
But as I was doubting, my daughter came up to me right after that moment and said to me, “Mommy, you are the best mom ever.”
Maybe it is true.