“Must be nice not worrying about a damn thing at home while you’re at work, huh?” I uttered these exact words to my poor husband over the phone.
“THEN SAY SORRY! GOSH!!! THAT HURT SO BAD!!!” I yelled at my daughter when she pulled several of my hair out accidentally.
“SHHH!!! JUST WAIT! DO YOU SEE ME JUST SITTING HERE DOING NOTHING OR AM I SUPER BUSY DOING A MILLION THINGS RIGHT NOW? STOP THINKING ABOUT JUST YOURSELF, LIFE ISN’T ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME!!!” I yelled at my 4 yr. old when he kept saying, “Mom, get me some pretzels. Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!” while I was backing out of the parking lot & answering two questions simultaneously from both of his sisters.
This all happened within 2 hrs. while driving 45 mins. to and from each way to my kid’s braces appointment yesterday. #winning! The car goes silent and I know I killed the whole mood and these are my thought/emotion process:
Annoyed. Flustered. Mad. Angry. Explosive. I yell. SO annoyed at the kids. ‘I can’t wait until they’re older. Wait, yes I can. I know these are the golden years, I take it back.” I know this and I should cherish this time but still so frustrated. Immense guilt. So so guilty that I yelled. So disappointed in myself for yelling. Super angry at myself that I yelled and lost it. ‘Why can’t I be a better person? More patient?’ Sadness. Feeling like a failure. I suck. Beating myself down. Then anger at motherhood. I hate being a mom. Being a mom is so freakin’ hard. Mad that motherhood brings out the worst in me. So weary and tired of feeling this cycle over and over of anger, frustration, disappointment in myself, guilt. More guilt. Regret. Frustrated.
Then I have a thought come to my head, “When the kids annoy you & make you so angry, they are actually gifting you the greatest gift. Every time the kids annoy us, tests our patience, they’re gifting us the chance to grow and be better than you were moments before you got annoyed/angry. No other job is as annoying, demanding or self sacrificing. No other job stretches you and molds you into a better person. No other job likens to Godhood as parenting. That’s why it is tirelessly SO difficult, challenging and self-reflecting. So relentlessly annoying too, constantly reminding you of your weaknesses. So that you know where to improve. So it’s not the kids that you’re truly annoyed at, it’s your weaknesses that you’re annoyed with. This is the purpose of motherhood, so it humbles you and makes you determined to improve and be better. Because you love your kids with all your heart, your whole existence and beyond, that nothing or no one else will motivate you to change as much as your kids. Changing so that you will be a better parent for your kids and therefore a better human being.
I feel peace. Gratitude. No more guilt. or annoyance. or frustration.
I tell my daughter sorry for yelling and reach for her and she instantly buoys her leg up so I can hold it(I used to grab their ankle and squeeze it lovingly while driving when they were little because that’s the only part I could reach and it still carries on).
The mood instantly changes to happy and the kids start talking again as if nothing happened.
When we park, I tell her, “Ana, I’m sorry I yelled at you. It’s never you, it’s always me. I was tired and I had a headache and my hair getting pulled out made my headache worse. So whenever I get mad at you, know that it’s because I need to work on my weaknesses, it’s never you or your fault. It’s always my fault.”
She smiles and squeezes me super tight and we kiss several times.
I love being a mother. Nothing frustrates me more and yes, at times I hate being a mother. But those times are minuscule compared to the times I absolutely love being a mother and I know I’m a part of something much bigger than myself. A part of something way more grand, sacred and holy than I realize. And like opposition in all things, it’s okay to be annoyed, frustrated, angry, or hate being a mother, it’s okay! It’s normal! Because in order to feel the beauty of motherhood, I need to feel the ugly of it too.
So wonderfully written. Yesterday was a wild day over here too; just what I needed to read right now!
Surprise………You are normal!!!!!!! This is all part of motherhood, and you have anyone who is a mother behind you. I have a perfect story about the wife of a famous children author, who was trained in psychology. She was trained that you can always reason with children. One day I ran into her, and she was very upset. She was having problems with one of her children. and considered herself a bad mother. She was losing it, yelling, and yes even swearing at her child. Her training worked on her students, but just not on her own child, and she was berating herself, considering herself a failure. I told her the same thing as above. “”.Wow you are normal”. She looked at me as if I was nuts. A while later, I ran into her and she was much calmer. She told me that what I said, and our subsequent conversation, made such a difference for her. She began to see that we are just human, and all the wonderful psychologic training is simply not the way real life is, She said she still loses it, but does not come down on herself the way she used to. And she always lets her own children know that even tho she lost it, she loves them dearly.
So if you accidentally swear, and yell periodically…….ah it will happen. But to me just looks like you are normal!!!!!
thank you! This is the read I needed. I had a similar experience and I hate myself when I get frustrated in a moment of chaos. Your last line sums it up perfectly! Thank you Sarah for your honesty. It reminds us we are not alone!
Oh my goodness! This rings so true!! i have a major love/hate relationship with being a mother. I adore my children and wouldn’t trade them for the world…..except when, like today, I’m sick and overwhelmed, and exhausted and there are SO many needs!! I want to sell them to the gypsies, until…..one of those sweet spirited repeats “mom! Mom! Mom!” A bazillion Times and I snap “What!!” For them to reply, “I love you” and I’m so humbled and taken back. What a wonderful, frustrating, exhausting, rewarding, thankless and amazing job!!
This was me yesterday. only i have a two month old. she is perfect and innocent, and yet i felt resentment towards her and hatred towards motherhood. today was better. i apologized to her and snuggled her close today. thank you for your honesty. it warmed my soul today and reassured me that it was all going to be okay.
I couldn’t help but cry my eyes out when reading this. Seriously all the feels! I feel this way too sometimes and sometimes I hate myself for it. I am so glad it is normal. I love my little boy more than life itself just as I see how much you love your kids! Thank you for this wonderful post!
I ENJOYED ready this, Thank you! i TOO HAVE DAYS LIKE YOURS AND i FEEL IT IS IMPORTANT TO ALWAYS REMEMBER TO NURTURE YOUR CHILDREN IN THESE Moments and own your reactions. SO THEY IN RETURN WILL HOPEFULLY BE ABLE to recall those moments when their time arrives.
Honesty is one of the best qualities to have! i feel If i am honest with myself and children then we recover much quicker and learn from it. Your children sound adorable!
All the best
a fellow mother
Well said, Sister! Love your honesty…
Kara in Canada