On Halloween, right when we got to my son’s preschool Halloween party, I heard a bad news. As I was about to get an anxiety attack & wanted to cry, my son spilled popcorn I just bought, all over the floor. “Aiden, I told you to sit down and eat! If only you had listened.” I got irritated at him(he spilled a full cup of milk on our kitchen carpet & took out all the stuffing from a bag earlier) & felt my anxiety getting worse. I had to take a few deep breaths while my son picked up every popcorn into his bag, then he cried into my arms when I didn’t let him eat the dirty popcorn.
Why do I get so overwhelmed & irritated at my kids? They have the ability to make me feel this anger & annoyance that I’ve never felt before. As I thought about it, it hit me why. It’s because when I’m down & I’m in need of someone to vent to & make me feel better, I’m instead taking care of my kids and making them feel better. I’m running on empty and I don’t have any to give, but being a mother requires me to keep going, without an option for a rest stop. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or a bad mom, it means I’m human. It’s completely normal to feel anger or annoyance towards our kids. We all feel it. You’re not alone.
As I prayed to know how to control this anger/annoyance, I had a thought. “Put yourself in your child’s shoes and see the world through his eyes. You will understand that he’s still brand new to this vast world he doesn’t know much about but he’s desperately fighting, giving his absolute best, determined to navigate through and thrive. Do you live as passionately & give it your all?” So when I pause & put myself in his, I immediately feel empathy for this little spirit living, making messes, spills & tantrums along the way. But these are no mistakes, it’s part of his learning process, each with a purpose and a lesson to learn. Who am I to scold him or get mad when these are part of being a child, each spills & messes a reason? So be free and be a child, my son. I’ll be here to guide you & help pick up your spills.
Talking about this baby stuff is making me reminisce about the times when my kids were babies. I am so baby hungry right now! I have been for the past several months. I was talking to a friend about how we both don’t remember at all when our older kids were babies to ages 5-ish. We can’t recall their chubby cheeks or what their voice sounded like, it’s only from looking at old photos and videos. Isn’t that so sad? Is that how it is for you too? That’s why I try to take photos and videos a lot, because I know soon enough, I won’t remember my youngest’s baby and toddler stage and forget what his cute little voice and mispronunciations sound like. Thank you mom-brain! Seriously though, why can’t we not lose brain cells after every pregnancy and lose our memory? I really am bitter about that. Our memories should be better than before, that’s the least we can receive after giving up and sacrificing so much of our mental and physical capabilities. I can talk about this for hours so maybe this should be another post for another day haha. But am I the only one that’s bitter about all the things that women sacrifice?