It’s 10:56 p.m and I’m in a pissy mood.  Jay’s been working longer hours the past few days, even working half a day today on a Saturday so I’ve missed him and was looking forward to spending some alone time with him tonight after the kids went to bed.  

I was in a grumpy mood earlier this afternoon, scolding my daughter for giving me attitude and calling me ugly because my skin was peeling, and almost making her cry.  Attitude is something I will not tolerate and I refuse to let the girls do it and think it’s okay, even when the society is filled with just that.  She is also very sensitive and cries about anything and everything so I didn’t feel super bad that she almost teared up.   Then my  other daughter put her face right in the camera for the second time as I was trying to get a video of Aiden walking, and it would’ve been the perfect shot, the perfect angle, the perfect timing.  When she did it the first time when it was the perfect moment, I told her firmly to not do that again because I was trying to get a video of Aiden.  Then when I tried the second time and I was video taping him for almost a minute when he finally was walking towards me and I thought to myself, “Oh good, this is the perfect shot!” and right then I see through the lens a blur of skin blocking all view.  I grunted and got up and started washing the dishes, my 3rd time dish washing that day.  “Calm down, it’s just a video.” Jay said to me.  

“All I do is is wash the dishes all day.  And cook allllll day.  Oh, and the laundry.  And chauffeur the kids around all day.  And feed Aiden.  I am sorry, but NO ONE gets excited to do these things all day, every day.  Have you ever heard someone say, “Oh!  I can’t wait to cook and wash the dishes and do laundry, clean up poop, and clean up messes all day long!  It’s not about the video.  It’s about how I can’t do anything I want to do, whether great or small, like going back to school or taking a video.”

I have this thing I do whenever I realize I am PMS’ing and my hormones are going crazy and I hear my self whining and complaining.  I stop and say things in my head what I am grateful for.  ‘I am grateful that my kids are healthy.  I am grateful Jay got off earlier than expected today.  I am grateful there’s a lot of food in the fridge, thus causing many dishes to wash.  I am grateful we don’t have debt while having two house mortgages.  I am grateful Jay helps around so much.  I am grateful I find my kids so irresistible and adorable, most of the time.  I am grateful for my neighbor who dropped off fresh cucumbers and zucchinis from their backyard.”  I keep listing things until I feel less pissy and more grateful and then I make a decision to literally alter my attitude and deciding to stop being grumpy and choosing to be happy.  It took me a long time to figure this out but it works for me every time because I know happiness is a choice.  One of my favorite quotes is “If you want to be happy, be.” 

So I was in a good mood after that and I apologized to Jay and started laughing about something which Jay exclaimed while giving me a big hug, “Yay, my Sarah is back!”  I apologized to the girls and gave them long cuddles and made it all better.  

I wish the story ended here with a happy ending but no, unfortunately not.  All day Jay and I kept saying to each other how we’ll watch a new movie we got after the kids went to bed.  Jay asked me if I would stay in for a date with him that involved good company, good movie, and good kissing.  We went out to eat and stopped at Sam’s Club and didn’t come home until right before 9 p.m, so we hurriedly bathed them, prayed, read and put the kids to sleep, Jay putting the girls to sleep while I put Aiden to sleep.  Well, we are the worst sleep trainers in the world because we lie down with Aiden and pretend to sleep too until he falls asleep and we quietly sneak out of his bedroom.  If he wakes up, we go back and lie with him until he falls back asleep.  So I lied with him while being antsy for him to fall asleep so I can spend time with Jay.  Over an hour later, I am now getting a little pissed.  I usually wouldn’t get to this point until about 2 hrs. of lying down but this day, breing anxious to spend time with Jay and knowing Jay was in the living room waiting for me, I couldn’t take it anymore.  So I text to Jay, “It drives me crazy just lying here while he’s squirming all over me, doing everything else but sleeping.”  So Jay took that as a sign for help(which was not), and he got a bottle of formula and opened Aiden’s bedroom door, just as Aiden finally settled down on my bell and was drifting to sleep.  So Aiden wakes up and whimpers for daddy and I grunt and tell him to go away, that Aiden was finally falling asleep but he woke him up!  Jay says he’ll put Aiden to sleep and I tell him no, just go but he is way more stubborn than I am and always has to have it his way so he doesn’t leave.  So I get up and grunt and slam the door.  I came out and immediately texted him, “I cannot lie with him every time for 2 hours.  It’s past 10 p.m and if I lied with him for one more hour, it’ll be 11 p.m and I should be in bed by 12 a.m.  But that only gives me an hour to clean up the house, to blog, to answer emails, and spend time with you, which is impossible to do in one hour, and where’s my free time?  That’s why I stay up late every night!  After he drinks milk, just come out, I don’t care if we let him cry it out for 6 hours.”  I didn’t really mean it and I am too weak-sauce to let my baby cry it out(thus us sleeping with him every night), but I was so frustrated, I meant it for a moment.

So it’s 10:56 p.m and I’m in a pissy mood again.  Jay must have fallen asleep with Aiden because he has not come out.  So there will be no date with us, no alone time the two of us, I am here on a Saturday night alone, grumpy and bitter.  So let me start playing my little game again, which I named it a “Happiness choice”.  

Have you felt grumpy and pissy lately?  What would be in your list in the “Happiness choice”?