i’ve been thinking about this for a long long time. and i still don’t know…whether i should have more kids or not. yes i have two kids, one is 3 yrs. old, the other is 21 months and they’re just 16 months apart. both of them were unplanned, i got pregnant with my 2nd child when my 1st one was only 8 months old. which i’ve said before i DO NOT recommend to anyone. it was hard.

now that my 2nd child is almost 2 yrs. old, i’ve been thinking about it more than ever. am i done having kids? should i have more? if so, when? even if i were to get pregnant right now, my 2nd and 3rd would be 2 yrs. apart which is good since they would be close in age and not too far apart. the many days while being a stay at home mom, my two kids fight, yell, scream all day and those days when i just wanna scream and run away to a quiet, peaceful place for just a little bit, where NO one will bother you, you can worry about yourself and yourself only for once in your life, to a place where i only need to take care of myself instead of 2 little people first and not get my needs met, oh sound so divine. and on those days(which have been more than ever since it’s the terrible 2’s and the terrifying 3’s all at once), i tell myself, “i’m DONE having kids. no really, I’m done. NO MORE KIDS!!!” and i feel so much better. knowing that i won’t have to go through it again, that this is just once and it’ll be over, makes me more patient and appreciative of even my kids’ tantrums and their emotional drama queen tendencies.

i wouldn’t mind having more kids, i just don’t wanna work so hard for it and pay the price for it. to go through the pregnancy, morning sickness, to give up my other dreams and goals, to go through my crazy rollercoaster moodiness and my poor husband who has to deal with it, the lack of sleep, painful labor, painful breastfeeding and being tied to the baby for at least a year, not enough or any time for myself(not even time to take a shower everyday, gross i know but i’d rather sleep), and i know i’m gonna sound really shallow for saying this, but i hate how it ages me and takes the life out of me. i look hashed all the time, i’ve never had dark circles or bags under my eyes before, and it ruins your body! there, i said it! i miss my pre-pregnancy body! it changes your body which you will never get back and what the heck, no one ever told me about that!!! but when i think about it more, i guess when i’m on my deathbed, i’m not going to say, ‘oh i wish i had looked better, less tired, more me-time.’ and the children are worth all that and so much more. i know that.

UGH….and whenever i say i’m done having kids, i feel so selfish and feel like i’m not a good enough mormon who wants at least 10 kids. everybody tells us we need to have boys, but what’s wrong with having all girls? what’s wrong with just having 2 kids? but then
i’ve talked to many people who’ve come from 2 kid families and the ones i’ve talked to all told me they wished their family was bigger while growing up. that it would’ve been more fun. and i’ve read studies where kids from big families are happier, more social, less selfish, etc. i wonder how true all that is.

i just don’t know. and that’s been on my mind lately. should i stop having kids? if not, should i have one now? or wait a few yrs. and then start all over again with having a baby and being stuck to the baby 24/7? i feel like i’m a bad mom for saying i don’t want to be with the baby 24/7, i feel selfish for wanting to pursue my other dreams and ambition, to have a little more time for myself and to take care of my needs. maybe i’m just burnt out. maybe i don’t think i’m a good enough mother to be having more kids. maybe that’s it.

while my preschool friends told our teacher they wanna be a doctor, pilot, policeman, i always always told them i wanted to be a mom. it was my dream job. and it still is and i love it don’t get me wrong. but i think since i’ve always dreamed about being a stay at home mother and raising kids, writing down family traditions i want to keep when i was in H.S(weird? yes it is), promising myself what kind of a mother i would be(making sack lunches and writing a compliment in ’em each day, waiting for them to come home from school with warm snacks, taking them and their friends out for ice-cream on the 1st day of school n talking about their new teacher), i think i built up this “perfect mom” in my head and i’m not meeting them all. i never imagined i would yell at my kids, wanting to scream so loud and cry because it’s so hard and i hate it sometimes, wishing they would leave me alone or i could just leave them for a few hrs., to lose so much patience i almost hit my child before i stop myself, to literally forcing my mouth shut from saying not-so-nice things to my oldest child, i let them watch too much t.v many times, the list goes on.

but i’m rambling now and it’s midnight. it just feels good to let it all out.

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