i’ve been getting the thoughts to write about this for a little while now.  i think i’ve held back a little because it’s about marriage and it’s something no one really talks about.  like ever, not even to your parents or close friends.  but you know what? i’m just gonna say it.  because i’m tired of this perfectionism syndrome where the society says if you’re not perfect, you’re not worth anything, if you’re not beautiful, skinny, have a perfect job, perfect husband/wife, kids, and a perfect marriage, then there’s something wrong with you and you better get out of that marriage and find that perfect one.  like a marriage should be just a walk in the park and it should only be blissful and wonderful and lovely.  and i know people don’t want other people to know of their faults and we all secretly want other people to think we’re perfect so we put up pictures of happy moments and only the perfect things.  i know it’s something very private and sacred so i understand why no one talks about it especially on a public blog! but if i’m the first one to admit it, then so be it. i hope that by me being honest and even vulnerable, someone out there benefits from this somewhat and realigns their expectations or their “ideal” vision of marriage. 

my marriage isn’ perfect.  far from it.  there have been some bad times. hard times.  even times when i had doubts and even thought of the word that should-not-be-named, divorce.  GASP there i said it.  now, we’re not in a fight or anything so i’m not trying to vent and every marriage has ups and downs and we’re gratefully in our “ups” now but there are times when i get so angry, so hurt, so frustrated, so hopeless and want to give up trying to work out on certain issues that we have.  is it just me when i say when we fight, we always fight about the same things? the same issues? and the more we fight the more we’re hurt because the same issues we’ve built up in the past all comes at us back again and makes it worse? more frustrated because we’ve talked about these issues a thousand times and talked it out in hopes that we’ve solved these issues but it happens again and we have to deal with it all over again?  it is so tiring.  and i get so weary.

but when i think about it, marriage is suppose to be hard.  sometimes.  because it is one of the most greatest things on earth! anything that is of great worth is not suppose to be easy.  or we would take it for granted and not step up to be the person we should become.  and having those hard, horrible times doesn’t erase the good times we have.  my husband and i have so many good times, so many happy times more than the bad and those good things outweigh the bad by FAR.  so isn’t it worth it to go through all these little bad moments once in awhile? yeah, I think so! especially since my husband is so worth it!  i think it’s perfectly normal and even healthy.  we fight but we fight because we love each other.  and we want to work things out and understand each other. 

i think we have unhappy moments in our marriages sometimes because we have this “ideal” marriage in our heads.  we summon up everything we want in a marriage, what a marriage should be, and when our expectation doesn’t get met, we get disappointed and wish we were like somebody else, so and so seems like they have a perfect relationship, why can’t he/she be more like him/she, or why can’t he/she just change, blah blah blah.  i do it.  so i’m assuming there are people out there that do that too? (please say yes or i’m gonna be really embarrassed) but we gotta stop this madness! no one’s marriage is perfect.  no one.  what we see in others is just the surface.  all the time.  it is only the surface we see at all times.  i remember one of my friends once told me, “you have the most perfect relationship with jay.  i wish i had your relationship.”  no way, are you kidding me? what she sees is only when we’re together with friends, at dinner parties, at get togethers, and even if we had just fought 5 mins. before on our way to the gathering, of course we would stop fighting once we step into the room full of people.  i might ignore him for the first 10 mins. and then my anger disappears(i can never be mad at someone for a long time! i almost forget i’m mad at them.)but what you see is not what it seems especially within a marriage.  i know many happy couples and i don’t doubt they’re happily in love and happy in their marriage, but i don’t doubt that they have problems of their own and they fight sometimes too! but i’ll never know because it is private and their own business.  so it’s easy to think so and so has a perfect marriage.  but they don’t.  i sure don’t!

another thing i should mention is that no matter who you marry, you’re going to have conflicts, disagreements, and problems.  put any two people together and give them kids, a huge responsibility of finance, delegation, negotiation, communication, and live together at all times, they’ll disagree at one point.  so some people might think they’ll be happier if they get a divorce and marry someone else(and of course there are instances like that if there’s abuse or infidelity or serious issues like that), but in my opinion, you might not have the same exact problems as you did with your previous spouse, but you will probably have new problems and conflicts with the new person. 

and as long as my husband and i are trying, we respect each other and love each other, i am a happy wife.  98% of the time. haha.  and isn’t 98% of the time happy really good? but really, i love my marriage and i love him so so much.  i appreciate even the bad times. because those times make the good times even better.  i’ll finish with one quote i learned in my marriage class in college.  (yes i took a marriage class, don’t laugh ;p). “if there’s something that bugs you about your spouse, instead of trying to change your spouse, change yourself.  for example if your husband smacks while he eats his cereal every morning and you cannot stand it and it bugs you so much, pray to God that you’ll have more patience and love for your husband so that smacking- which is just a small matter-will no longer bug you.”  easier said than done but i sure am trying.