It’s fifteen minutes past midnight on a Saturday night and my husband is still at work. Let’s just say it’s been a loooooooong day(a long 10 days actually but let’s not talk about that, let’s talk about today).
Earlier today in the late afternoon, my two girls and their friends went on a flower hunt and returned home with a bucket full of flowers. I’ve had talks with them about how you don’t pull flowers from someone else’s house and they know better not to, and they told me they found these flowers on an abandoned lot(so they say). They excitedly showed me all the flowers while I was chopping and blending food for my 8 month old baby, and demanded I look at all the flowers they were showing me. “Mom, you’re not looking!” they would say. Then my 5 year old daughter would grab two flowers and ask me which flower I liked best, then when I picked one, she would grab another flower and ask me which one I liked best, and so forth. I was doing my best to glance for a sec. to tell her my preference, as I was warming up the baby food and getting it ready to feed my antsy, whimpering, hungry and sick with roseola 8 month old who was watching me like a hawk with his desperate eyes. “Mom, which one do you like better? Mom, mom, mom, you didn’t look!” so I glanced down quickly and told her, “I like the pink one better.” “Mom, mom, which one do you like better now? mom! mom! mom! you didn’t look!” “Ana, I cannot look right now!” I snapped at her. Then she quickly went away. My eyes followed her to make sure she wasn’t sad or crying(she is very very sensitive and if I speak in even a tiny remotely negative tone, she usually cries), and she seemed fine so I resumed back to making the food for the baby. Then Adi came with a bunch of flowers she’s holding with a rubber band. “Mom, could you tie these flowers together?” I grabbed the flowers and the rubber band and tried to put the rubber band around the bunches of flowers. But with the flowers being all different lengths, and some being really tiny, the flowers kept falling on the ground as I tried to gather them to tie together. “Adi! Don’t ask me to do this right now!” I snapped at her as I gave the flowers back to her. “Okay, mom….” she said as she quickly went away too.
We had a normal rest of the day, I made dinner and ate dinner with the girls, and then we had a little girls’ night by watching a movie and eating gelato. I got them ready for bed and we did our bedtime routine and everything was fine. I was able to put Aiden down for the night a little after 10 pm, and exhausted, I came to the kitchen to clean up. Then I saw the bucket of flowers and my heart stung. Adi had put all the flowers back in the bucket, just like how it was when she came back from the flower hunt. I even saw the rubber band in the bucket, the one I tried to put around the flowers to make a little bouquet before I snapped at her and gave it back to her. She never figured out how she could make little bouquets by herself so she gave up and put the flowers back in the bucket. And now she’s in bed, too late for me to teach her or help her now. Oh, what a terrible mother I was. I feel like such a terrible mother sometimes. Times when I snap at them and then after they go to bed, I remember how I became short with them and I feel the immense guilt and shame. Then I cry and go to their bed and see their sweet, innocent faces sleeping soundly like angels and how much worse I feel. Then I kiss them and kiss them with my tears as I whisper in my heart, ‘I’m sorry little one, I’m sorry I was mean to you earlier today.” and vow to myself to make it up to them tomorrow, to promise myself to be more patient and loving next time. To remember to tell them that I am sorry, and how much I love them.
So past midnight here I sat in my kitchen, making little flower bouquets for my little Adi. Adi, I’m sorry I became short with you earlier today. You too Ana buns. Mommy is trying her very best to do it all, but it’s really hard for me sometimes, actually most of the time. But mommy is always trying to be better and I love you to the moon and back. I hope you always, always remember that.
Jessica says
I know that feeling so well! Thankfully children are resilient and we get a chance the next day to be better.
Mae says
This really touched my heart because while my daughter is sensitive like yours – I believe it's because I am sensitive too. When I snap at her for being impatient or demanding when I'm already struggling with a situation, it not only hurts her but it hurts me too. Unfortunately, I'm so overwhelmed with getting the task in front of me accomplished the best I can, I don't even give myself time to acknowledge that I am disappointed in my actions. I often don't notice until they are in bed and the house is quiet and I can't fall asleep … leaving me much time to ruminate over the unkind way I chose to handle my frustration. I definitely feel your pain momma and being aware of it is an important part of changing it.
Beverly Houpt says
Thanks you for sharing this! It's so refreshing to read a blog post like this. Believe it or not, this kind of makes me more excited to become a mother.
Pearl says
so many times in so many situations, I feel the same way…I think it's a little easier with marcus though… he's not so sensitive as his sisters…