marriage Archives | Page 2 of 2

i’ve been getting the thoughts to write about this for a little while now. i think i’ve held back a little because it’s about marriage and it’s something no one really talks about. like ever, not even to your parents or close friends. but you know what? i’m just gonna say it. because i’m tired of this perfectionism syndrome where the society says if you’re not perfect, you’re not worth anything, if you’re not beautiful, skinny, have a perfect job, perfect husband/wife, kids, and a perfect marriage, then there’s something wrong with you and you better get out of that marriage and find that perfect one. like a marriage should be just a walk in the park and it should only be blissful and wonderful and lovely. and i know people don’t want other people to know of their faults and we all secretly want other people to think we’re perfect so we put up pictures of happy moments and only the perfect things. i know it’s something very private and sacred so i understand why no one talks about it especially on a public blog! but if i’m the first one to admit it, then so be it. i hope that by me being honest and even vulnerable, someone out there benefits from this somewhat and realigns their expectations or their “ideal” vision of marriage.

my marriage isn’ perfect. far from it. there have been some bad times. hard times. even times when i had doubts and even thought of the word that should-not-be-named, divorce. GASP there i said it. now, we’re not in a fight or anything so i’m not trying to vent and every marriage has ups and downs and we’re gratefully in our “ups” now but there are times when i get so angry, so hurt, so frustrated, so hopeless and want to give up trying to work out on certain issues that we have. is it just me when i say when we fight, we always fight about the same things? the same issues? and the more we fight the more we’re hurt because the same issues we’ve built up in the past all comes at us back again and makes it worse? more frustrated because we’ve talked about these issues a thousand times and talked it out in hopes that we’ve solved these issues but it happens again and we have to deal with it all over again? it is so tiring. and i get so weary.

but when i think about it, marriage is suppose to be hard. sometimes. because it is one of the most greatest things on earth! anything that is of great worth is not suppose to be easy. or we would take it for granted and not step up to be the person we should become. and having those hard, horrible times doesn’t erase the good times we have. my husband and i have so many good times, so many happy times more than the bad and those good things outweigh the bad by FAR. so isn’t it worth it to go through all these little bad moments once in awhile? yeah, I think so! especially since my husband is so worth it! i think it’s perfectly normal and even healthy. we fight but we fight because we love each other. and we want to work things out and understand each other.

i think we have unhappy moments in our marriages sometimes because we have this “ideal” marriage in our heads. we summon up everything we want in a marriage, what a marriage should be, and when our expectation doesn’t get met, we get disappointed and wish we were like somebody else, so and so seems like they have a perfect relationship, why can’t he/she be more like him/she, or why can’t he/she just change, blah blah blah. i do it. so i’m assuming there are people out there that do that too? (please say yes or i’m gonna be really embarrassed) but we gotta stop this madness! no one’s marriage is perfect. no one. what we see in others is just the surface. all the time. it is only the surface we see at all times. i remember one of my friends once told me, “you have the most perfect relationship with jay. i wish i had your relationship.” no way, are you kidding me? what she sees is only when we’re together with friends, at dinner parties, at get togethers, and even if we had just fought 5 mins. before on our way to the gathering, of course we would stop fighting once we step into the room full of people. i might ignore him for the first 10 mins. and then my anger disappears(i can never be mad at someone for a long time! i almost forget i’m mad at them.)but what you see is not what it seems especially within a marriage. i know many happy couples and i don’t doubt they’re happily in love and happy in their marriage, but i don’t doubt that they have problems of their own and they fight sometimes too! but i’ll never know because it is private and their own business. so it’s easy to think so and so has a perfect marriage. but they don’t. i sure don’t!

another thing i should mention is that no matter who you marry, you’re going to have conflicts, disagreements, and problems. put any two people together and give them kids, a huge responsibility of finance, delegation, negotiation, communication, and live together at all times, they’ll disagree at one point. so some people might think they’ll be happier if they get a divorce and marry someone else(and of course there are instances like that if there’s abuse or infidelity or serious issues like that), but in my opinion, you might not have the same exact problems as you did with your previous spouse, but you will probably have new problems and conflicts with the new person.

and as long as my husband and i are trying, we respect each other and love each other, i am a happy wife. 98% of the time. haha. and isn’t 98% of the time happy really good? but really, i love my marriage and i love him so so much. i appreciate even the bad times. because those times make the good times even better. i’ll finish with one quote i learned in my marriage class in college. (yes i took a marriage class, don’t laugh ;p). “if there’s something that bugs you about your spouse, instead of trying to change your spouse, change yourself. for example if your husband smacks while he eats his cereal every morning and you cannot stand it and it bugs you so much, pray to God that you’ll have more patience and love for your husband so that smacking- which is just a small matter-will no longer bug you.” easier said than done but i sure am trying.

My brother Joseph gave Jay and I the 5 lists of an irresistible man and a woman awhile back and we have it hanging up on our refrigerator. I read it often to see if I’m meeting all of Jay’s needs and it reminds me of what I need to work on. I think it’s improved our marriage and I’m sure it’ll do the same for you! (And for you single ladies and gentlemen, you can work on these now so you’ll be irresistible to the girl/guy of your dreams! 😉 except for # 1 on the irresistible woman part. You’ll see what I mean, eh hem.

Dr. Willard Harley is a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist who has 25 years experience in marriage counseling. He identifies the ten most important marital needs of husbands and wives. He states that a man’s basic needs are:

The Irresistible Man. Dr. Harley believes that any husband can make himself irresistible to his wife by learning to meet her five most important emotional needs.

1. Affection. Her husband tells her that he loves her with words, cards, flowers, gifts, and common courtesies. He hugs and kisses her many times each day, creating an environment of affection that clearly and repeatedly expresses his love for her.
2. Conversation. He sets aside time every day to talk to her. They may talk about events in their lives, their children, their feelings, or their plans. But whatever the topic, she enjoys the conversation because use it is never judgmental, always informative and constructive. She talks to him as much as she would like, and responds with interest. He is never too busy “to just talk.”
3. Honesty and openness. He tells her everything about himself, leaving nothing out that might later surprise her. He describes his positive and negative feelings, events of his past, his daily schedule, and his plans for the future. He never leaves her with a false impression and is truthful about his thoughts, feelings, intentions, and behavior.
4. Financial support. He assumes the responsibility to house, feed, and clothe the family. If his income is insufficient to provide essential support, he resolves the problem by upgrading his skills to increase his salary. He does not work long hours, keeping himself from his wife and family, but is able to provide necessary support by working a forty to forty-five-hour week. While he encourages his wife to pursue a career, he does not depend on her salary for family living expenses.
5. Family commitment. He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of the children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings. He reads books and attends lectures with his wife on the subject of child development so that they will do a good job training the children. He and she discuss. training methods and objectives until they agree. He does not proceed with any plan of training discipline without her approval. He recognizes that his care of the children is critically important to her.

The Irresistible Woman. A wife makes herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his five most important emotional needs.

l. Sexual fulfillment. His wife meets this need by becoming a terrific sexual partner. She studies her own sexual response to recognize and understand which brings out the best in her; then she shares this information with him, and together they learn to have a sexual relationship that both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable.
2. Recreational companionship. She develops an interest in the recreational activities he enjoys most and tries to become proficient at them. If she finds she cannot enjoy them, she encourages him to consider other activities that they can enjoy toge ther. She becomes his favorite recreational companion, and he associates her with his most enjoyable moments of relaxation.
3. Physical attractiveness. She keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise, and she wears her hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that he finds attractive and tasteful. He is attracted to her in private and proud of her in public.
4. Domestic support. She creates a home that offers him a refuge from the stresses of life. She manages the household responsibilities in a way that encourages him to spend time at home enjoying his family.
5. Admiration. She understands and appreciates him more than anyone else. She reminds him of his value and achievements and helps him maintain self-confidence. She avoids criticizing him. She is proud of him, not out of duty, but from a profound respect for the man she chose to marry.
He has a book about these 5 lists and he says if one feels like he/she is lacking and not getting even one of the lists that he/she needs, then the marriage suffers in some way.

Jay and I sat down one day and read the lists to each other and wrote down what we both could work on. And of course Jay being the girl in the relationship he says to me, “I need affection too…and I like it when you call me often or text me to tell me what you’re up to because I always think of you and wonder what you might be doing…” HAHAHA!!! I love you wifey! I mean hubby!

marriage-oh i’m just gonna say it!

Who wants to be irresistible?