another thing i should mention is that no matter who you marry, you’re going to have conflicts, disagreements, and problems. put any two people together and give them kids, a huge responsibility of finance, delegation, negotiation, communication, and live together at all times, they’ll disagree at one point. so some people might think they’ll be happier if they get a divorce and marry someone else(and of course there are instances like that if there’s abuse or infidelity or serious issues like that), but in my opinion, you might not have the same exact problems as you did with your previous spouse, but you will probably have new problems and conflicts with the new person.
and as long as my husband and i are trying, we respect each other and love each other, i am a happy wife. 98% of the time. haha. and isn’t 98% of the time happy really good? but really, i love my marriage and i love him so so much. i appreciate even the bad times. because those times make the good times even better. i’ll finish with one quote i learned in my marriage class in college. (yes i took a marriage class, don’t laugh ;p). “if there’s something that bugs you about your spouse, instead of trying to change your spouse, change yourself. for example if your husband smacks while he eats his cereal every morning and you cannot stand it and it bugs you so much, pray to God that you’ll have more patience and love for your husband so that smacking- which is just a small matter-will no longer bug you.” easier said than done but i sure am trying.
My marriage isn't perfect. No one marriage is perfect. We have our own those kinds of things you've stated. Anyway, if you don't know yet, I've been following you for awhile=)
Agree that no marriage is perfect and that you constantly have to work on it to make it work. For me, key is giving each other small freedoms (i.e. freedom to be a slob sometimes, freedom to splurge a little) without giving the other person a hard time about it.
I think you hear it all the time that you are blessed with a beautiful family. So I hope that things are going well 🙂
This is a very good and honest post 🙂 It's true that no marriage is perfect, or any relationship for that matter either, but as long as the good times outnumber the bad times you're on the safe side 😉
xxx Charlie
Feminine Bravery
You know…. i am married for 25 years already and still have doubts sometimes…..:)
Conflits will always be there.
But i think you are going in the right way: talking is so important.
Be happy
Sonia
WONDERFUL WONDERFUL POST! I love it when fashion blogs become about more than just what looks good with what. You're so right, we put on our game face and no one knows what REALLY goes on. And it's okay, they shouldn't. But when we go comparing ourselves, situations, lives, spouses, etc… to others; it's just a recipe for disaster! Thanks for posting this…simply put, it was GREAT! ~Serene
you hit the nail square on the head. Thank you for this post it has really helped me out.
Of course it's normal for couples to fight. It's also normal to get divorced! "Normal" is not what a go for – so there's no point in comparing to other people's relationships.
No marriage is perfect but I do think that some are better than others. And – I still think it's half luck. You do the best you can to find the right person, work at your marriage, and it still might fall apart because you can't do this on your own.
I happen to think I am one of the lucky ones. (You sound like you are too). My husband can be a gigantic PITA but he is wonderful and our marriage it strong and happy. Yay for happy marriages!
My husband and I attend an institute class at UVU and that is EXACTLY what one of the guest speakers said the other night. What you said is so true, and it's also true that the evilest of evil is trying to break up marriage. He doesn't want us to be happy, and we need to do everything we can to have more happy times in our marriage rather than sad times. You definitely want the good to out weigh the bad!
Thanks so much for your post!
First, I commend you for being so open and honest and pushing the envelope to talk about things that are taboo! It's amazing and refreshing to hear someone speak up and say their marriage isn't perfect (none of ours are!!!!!!) and be real about it!
I don't comment very often so you probably don't know who I am, but I love your blog. I just had to say that I agree, everyone fights, and for us, it's always about the same things too! Also, we took a marriage prep class before we got married, and went to one or two lectures about it too. I think we were afraid of messing it up… lol. I still worry sometimes that we'll end up like our relatives and friends who couldn't make it, but I also know that because of that I'll never take what we have for granted, and that we're going to try very hard for the rest of our lives to make it work.
Anyway, I thought that you put it well, and this was a great post with some great thoughts. Thanks for posting this!
-Megan
Thanks for writing this. I really needed to read it today.
You are not alone! WE ALL have imperfections in our lives/relationships that we try to cover up so only the good is showing. But if life was perfect all the time it would be boring no? Thanks for sharing 🙂
I love this post! Thank you for sharing. I heard a radio cast about a lady who's husband passed away and she said that it was the little annoying everyday things that she missed the most. The things that drove her crazy: leaving his wet towel on the bed, not picking up his laundry, chewing his gum loudly that she desperately missed.
98% of the time is awesome!
first, i really enjoy reading your blog! && i love your creations 🙂
second, im really glad you wrote this. although almost every blog i read seems perfect, i forget they only write what they want people to read. i definitly agree that the bad makes the good so much better!!
I LOVE this post!! I completely agree that we don't always want to post the hard times. Those hard times make the relationships stronger. I always say marriage is like your house keeping, you have to maintain it and put effort into it every day or by the end of the week it's a giant mess. Marriages are very similar — you have to give time and effort every day. It's definitely not a walk in the park.
Thank you for this completely vulnerable post! Thank you for telling it like it is. I'm getting married next year and sometimes I have worries but I know this guys is the one and I know our marriage won't be perfect but it will be a work in progress and as real as it can be! You're amazing!
-Nicole
http://www.craftmysoul.blogspot.com
YES! You nailed it. I think that the romanticized notion of "The One" has been to our societies detriment. It may just be part of why people leave when things are hard. They think, if (s)he is "The One, " my "Soul Mate," then we should always live in bliss. That's not reality though. Bliss happens in fleeting moments. Then when another someone seems like they might be "The One" people think that it is time to leave. It is very sad. We must train up the next generation differently so that they can understand that marriage is work, hard work daily. That it is full of conscious choices.
Awesome post! I like what you said because I do this too, which is not try to change my spouse but ask God why does this bother me so much and deal with my own heart!
Over the years I have come to realize that we are for each other even though we have disagreements we are for each other and not against each other, and we can work out our differences in Love!
My husband and I do NOT have a perfect marriage. But I think that even though that's often times a struggle, it's also what something that keeps it interesting. Image how boring a perfect relationship would be! My first marriage was an utter disaster because neither of us were willing to realize that to the point it was becoming a scary level of unhealthy. But my current husband and I are very happy, even if we do have nights where it's difficult to communicate or we are feeling stressed and drained. I'm surprised how often I have to point out these things to my friends that are recently married.
Carlos and I often times argue and fight over the same repeating issues. I saw an article in the Feb 2011 issue of Whole Living called "The Flaws of Attraction". It talks about ideas in a book written by marriage counselor – Stephen Betchen (book is Magnetic Partners). Betchen says that the reoccurring issues in a marriage is because the relationship dynamic has one main master conflict (often times something that originally brought the couple together). When that area of the relationship is out of balance that's when conflicts occur. I thought it was an interesting article.
Your post came at a much needed time! Thank you for your openness and for reminding me that we all have the same struggles!
Hi Sarah, thank you for such a honest and truthful post. I've been reading your blog for a while, because I get inspired by your clothes make-overs. First of all, you have awesome, beautiful kids and husband, and you're really talented!
I've been with a guy for 5 years, and I pretty much consider all this time as being married. We fell in love at once and started living together almost after first month of our relationship. Now we are "officially" married. I know he is a great guy, and he has a good amount of patience and love for me (and I can be nasty at times). But still, sometimes we have very hard times, when I don't feel loved, when it seems to me that our relationship lost the sparkle, love and romance. Sometimes we fight, I cry and think about leaving him and finding another man, etc. Which by the way would be the stupidest thing I could do, and thanks God I understand it when I cool down. But still, thoughts and doubts are there.
You know, I've been looking for a reason and an explanation of all these fights and down periods since our first fight. And all I can say for sure is that relationships are lie a roller-coaster, though it sounds like a cliche. I've noticed, that if we have a great time for let's say a month, next month will most likely be awful. if we have a super week, next week will be so far from super. It's like a curve in math, it goes up for 2 inches, and then it goes down for exact same 2 inches.
And no matter how hard we try "not to fight" when we have a bad week, we will. It just comes up out of nowhere. I guess the only way to deal with it for us is to take it on with dignity and respect, and to try to avoid these deep, long fight. I just try to find something else to do when we are nuts with each other, same does my husb, and in a day or to we start missing each other so bad that we don't fight anymore.
I so wish that me and my man, as well as everybody in this world gain enough wisdom to understand what happens in our relationships and to deal with it perfectly.
Hello! I don't have a google account but I really wanted to let you know how much your post on marraige helped me. I am LDS and my husband and I got married in the temple last month. You're right, it's hard! I wasn't expecting it to be and had been really srtuggling internally; having doubts and been depressed. It was awful! But I realize it's Satan and if I let him, he'll bring me to a dark place where I feel like I don't know why I marrried him in the fisrt place. You helped me realize a whole lot and that I'm not really that different. That I'm totally normal! You're right, people don't talk about the struggle, who wants to look bad? So I'm really glad you spoke out. I love my husband with everything in me. I know I'm supposed to be with him. I never got a bad feeling about it. And I know that we'll last even through the little tiffs here and there or disagreeements that are bound to come. ok I just wrote way more than I planned. But thanks again. I found
your blog through a friend, she showed me all the cool things you make recycling old clothes. I think it's awesome and so creative. I love clothes and fashion!!! You seem like a really sweet, real genuine person. I feel like I know you and that why I feel comfortable writing this to you. Thank you again. Your post is EXACTLY what I needed.
M.L
Tucson AZ
thank you everyone for your thoughtful comments! i'm so so glad it has helped many of you. i wish someone wrote a post like this a long time ago, it would've helped me feel "normal"! i think at one point every couple(or most) thinks the grass is greener on the other side and has doubts about their own marriage. and then we feel horrible thinking like that and wish we were like so and so or why can't we have a relationship like that? but we don't realize everyone, even those couples we envy has doubts and thinks the grass is greener on the other side too! it's so assuring to me that i'm not alone and it's what everybody goes through! since no one talks about it, we think their marriage is perfect so we think, "oh well, they seem perfectly happy all the time. so maybe it is possible for me to find that if i left my spouse and find another one." but whoever we marry, we'll always have hard moments.
Hey Sarah,
I teach Young Women's at church and yesterday's lesson really pertains to this topic:
"Brad and Kathy received wise counsel from the temple sealer on their wedding day: “Arguments will arise. Learn to communicate. Pray over your differences and problems. Be forgiving. Serve one another unselfishly.”
Although they appreciated this counsel, it seemed so unnecessary at the time. However, they had been married just a short time when they had their first argument. Before they were married, Kathy couldn’t imagine the two of them ever arguing. During the argument, both of them said things they shouldn’t have, and Brad stormed angrily out of the house.
Kathy had never felt such hurt inside before. Before the marriage there had always been a loving parent or friends to turn to in times of trouble, but this time she felt alone. She knelt down and poured out her feelings to her Heavenly Father. She prayed that their hearts would be softened and that harmony would return to their home.
After her prayer she knew that no matter what challenges came, she wanted their marriage to be eternal. If they would seek the Lord’s help they would be able to solve their problems. When Brad returned, they greeted each other warmly and each apologized. Together they knelt in prayer."
The thing I love about temple marriage is that God is a part of it. Even though us humans are imperfect, if we seek his advice through our problems, things will always work out. It's his promise to us. I also like 2 things that Dallin H. Oaks said in his talk "Divorce". Here's the link: http://lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng
1) A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.
2) I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance.
Very well said! Thanks for opening yourself up to share- it helps other people so much to know that they aren't the only ones struggling. If more of us would show a positive perspective, even in the midst of hard times, maybe fewer would call it quits.
Anyone that says they have a perfect marriage is not telling the truth! Life is not supposed to be easy and there is a reason that the classic marriage vows say,"for better or for worse, in sickness and health, till death do us part, etc." -that is what you are agreeing to when you get married!
It's definitely important to focus on the good and try your hardest to let the bad go! We all have our own faults!
Great post!
I just found your blog through tipjunkie.com, because she posted your pleated dress (which is fabulous btw). so i started following, and I usually browse around a blog that I've just started following, and I found this entry. I must say its really refreshing. I just got married a few months ago, but we have a 4 year old, and I think parenting together is basically being married. Anyway, we are married now and I'm grateful for posts like this. Infact, Im so grateful that I think you should share it with more people. There's a blog called http://www.apracticalwedding.com that I follow religiously, I think this is such a great post to be featured there.
But mostly, just thank you for giving in and writing the post. 🙂 yay for being actual "normal" not perfect "normal"
love your post. I think so many people do avoid the topic. I have been following a few blogs lately that are all about marriage and keeping that spark alive. Marriage is hard and a lot of work there are ups and downs and inbetweens. I love that more people are talking about marriage and making marriages last rather than giving up so quickly. Sometimes I think we all think the grass is greener on the other side, until we get there and realize we didn't have it all that bad :)!
i love hearing your thoughts, thanks for sharing everyone!
@worthy: that's an awesome story, thank you for sharing!
@tonia:oh you're so welcome, thank you so much for commenting and sharing your thoughts with me! and i so agree that parenting is the same thing as being married, raising a kid together is hard! and i'm off to check out that website you just recommended, thanks!
It was such a blessing to read this. On my blog homemadecomforts.blogspot.com, I'm currently hosting a Marriage Challenge. It a one year challenge to being a more intentional spouse.
You just said :anything that is of great worth is not suppose to be easy. or we would take it for granted and not step up to be the person we should become.
Honesty is the best policy. Being honest with yourself, your spouse, your family and friends. Honesty never gets old. Thanks for this honest post!
Thank you for your honesty. You're right–we would have much more realistic expectations of marriage (and other things in life too) if people were more transparent and didn't put on false fronts.
Unfortunately, as more of our daily interactions occur in cyberspace, we see perfect images of other people's lives and relationships, and our own pale in comparison.
We need to consciously remember that others aren't living the perfect lives that their blogs and facebook profiles depict. Everyone struggles with something, and every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses.
Great post! Wish other people would "get it" like you do. My husband & I have been married 31 years. We went to marriage seminars before we were married and I think it helped us to be realistic about how marriage is.
Important lesson I learned – we are to help each other become what we could not become alone and to use our strengths to compensate for each other's weaknesses. (I used to get so upset that my husband leaves drawers and cabinet doors open…even after 30 years…I had to learn that that's a small thing and so it's my job to close drawers and cabinet drawers behind him. Problem solved. ha ha)
Marriage, just like any relationship, takes work. W.O.R.K.
You seem wise beyond your years. Again, Great Post!
i love this post. thank you.