the hardest thing for me with being a mother is not the physical part anymore since the pregnancy is over, giving birth is over, breastfeeding is over, running around the store chasing them is over(for the most part), but now it’s the emotional/mental part that is the hardest. i get so mad and disappointed in myself when i lose my temper at my kids. when they spill or make a mess over and over again, when they do something right after i tell them no and they do it over and over again, when they whine continuously and throw tantrums all day long, but mostly, when i try to get all three of us to nap together and it takes at least an hour of continuous fidgeting, fighting with each other over the same things everyday(mommy, she has more hair than me!(while i split my hair in half for them to play with), mommy, she keeps taking my blanket! mommy, she keeps starring at me! mommy, she keeps singing, she woke me up!) before they finally fall asleep. and within that 1-1 1/2 hours i almost fall asleep about 5 times but each time waking up because of their cries/whines/screams, then that’s when i lose it.
we are good mothers.
i was recently talking to my neighbor about whether we both wanted to have more kids and if so, when and she said to me, “i don’t know if i want to have more kids. i don’t know if i should have anymore kids. i’m not a very good mother, i really am not! i get impatient with them, i yell at them, so maybe it’s better that i don’t have anymore kids.” and i said to her, “i feel the exact same way! i don’t know if i’ll be a good mother if i have more kids because i’m barely passing to be an ok mother now with just two!” then i thought, if i feel this way and i thought i was the only one who felt this way, but my next door neighbor happens to feel the same way, then do all mothers feel this way?
i don’t know why i put myself in that situation everyday but everyday i think oh, maybe it’ll be better today, maybe they’ll fall asleep good together today, but no, most of the time it ends up with me losing it and yelling and one of them crying before falling asleep. it all started when my oldest daughter said to me one day, “mommy? when you get a baby in your belly and when the baby comes out of your belly, can i sleep with him? because daddy doesn’t sleep with me anymore, you don’t sleep with me, and ana doesn’t sleep with me. so can i please sleep with the baby when he comes out of your belly?” -while tears are welling up in her eyes since i used to put her in bed by herself and then go to ana’s room to sleep with ana. so yeah, since then, i try to sleep all together.
i know deep inside making a mess and testing out the waters is just part of growing up and being a kid, and i know i lose it mostly at nap time because i’m super tired and delirious but still, at the moment i’m just not patient to remember all of that. so then i get mad at them, and then i immediately get really mad at myself and get down on myself and think how i’m not a good mother, how i need to be more patient, more loving, more gentle, it’s a continuous cycle that keeps going. i am not perfect enough, i’m not good enough, why can’t i always be patient and loving and soft-spoken? so i keep beating myself up and i get sad and then i apologize to my kids and ask, “will you forgive me?” and no matter what i’ve done, they always nod their head and accept my big hug and kiss immediately and giggle. aw. what angels they are. and how i don’t deserve them.
so one day, i was thinking about all of this and then a thought came to me. well, more of a feeling i guess. i felt for a moment what God felt towards us mothers and it was that he is grateful. and proud. that we are all good mothers. whether we’re working mothers, single mothers, stay at home mothers, whether we breastfeed or bottlefeed, whether we spank or not spank, whether we home school or send them to public schools, whether we are patient or impatient, whether we feed kids cookies and milk for breakfast once because you were in a hurry and that was all you could come up with(what? i’ve never done that, why is that the first thing that came to my mind? π we are all good mothers.
we are all good mothers. me and you.
we as women feel inadequate many times(speaking for me anyway), but we are good enough. every mother is a good mother. no mother is perfect, we are all far from perfect and may feel inadequate. but that’s normal since we are imperfect! i would worry about you if you didn’t feel inadequate at times and thought you were a perfect mother! the definition of adequate is “sufficient for a specific requirement”. if you love your kids, you are a good mother. if you are trying continuously to be a better mother, then you are a good mother. and i can’t think of anymore things than those two things that makes a good mother. so if you love your kids and you are continuously trying to be a better mother, then you are a sufficient mother. a good enough mother. a wonderful mother. and God can’t ask for anymore than that.
so this post is for every mother/future mother out there. you are a wonderful mother. and God is proud of you and grateful for you.
*(picture taken by my father in law, christmas 2008. adi was just over a year old and i was 6 1/2 months pregnant with ana)
WeeFaerie says
Beautifully said! I don't know of any mother not riding that same roller coaster. You are right, we are good mothers because of the imperfections and because we get up every day and try again to do our best even when the ride flips us upside down and leaves us screaming for our lives π You are a wonderful mother!
adigallegos says
Now im crying… Sometimes you need to hear these from someone else! THANKYOU!!!! this time i REALLY mean it!
Derek and Amanda says
This is beautiful! I'm extremely critical of myself, to the point where I completely hate myself. I know it's Satan working on me. I got over it before I got married, but it's coming back after being married for a couple of years. I think a lot of it has to do with my husband falling away from the church. I want kids so bad but I'm scared to have them now. But maybe it's a good thing cause I need to get all of this negativity out of my head before I have even more (motherhood) to be critical of myself for and hopefully my hubs will come around? Maybe. Praying. I'm so excited, scared, nervous, but can't wait to do everything I can to love my kids. You're an incredible mother. I admire you. And the fact that you are so honest with yourself about it makes me admire you even more.
Anonymous says
You made me feel so much better after reading this post. I yelled at my daughter this morning before taking her to school becuz we were late. After dropping her off, I felt so, so guilty for yelling at her and hating myself. but u know what, i'm the mother who loves my kids and always trying hard to be a better mother, so thank you for posting this.
Paxton says
Thank you so much! I think all mother's need to print this out and read it every time they feel like failures, which for me would be at least every other minute!
It is such a well written and heart felt post, so thank you so much!
Anonymous says
I feel this way all the time. Thank you for being so honest and making me feel not so alone. You're right, we're all good mothers for trying our best.
flavholman says
I think we all feel this way. I feel awful when I'm angry at Victoria. But yes, we are all good mothers.
Li-Sha says
i'm definitely not a mom yet but sometimes i think about being a mom and how i think i'd probably be an inadequate one. wow i loved this. thanks!
Evelyn says
Thank you for this post. I needed to hear this… from someone… anyone. Thank you. My son is 21 months and I'm 5 months pregnant with #2 and things are getting harder. I am a good mother and I try to improve everyday.
Sarah says
You are so welcome! I'm sorry I made you cry though. π
Sarah says
I know exactly what you mean by the ride flipping us upside down, it is such hard work! Thank you for your sweet comment.
Sarah says
You sound like such a strong woman! And that must be so hard, I really hope it'll all work out with your husband and having kids in the future. π And if you're excited to have kids one day and to do everything you can to love them, then that tells me you'll be a wonderful mother.
Sarah says
Oh, I can SO relate. it's always when I yell at my kids that I will terrible about myself. But hey, if we were bad mothers, then we wouldn't feel so guilty because it'd be a norm for a bad mother so she wouldn't even think twice, right? π
Sarah says
You are so sweet, thank YOU so much!
Sarah says
And you feeling awful after being angry tells me that you're a good mother because a bad mother wouldn't feel bad. thank you for your comment!
Sarah says
You worrying whether you'd be a good mother tells me that you'll be a good mother. π thanks for your comment!
Sarah says
You sure got your plate full! They'll be best friends though and they'll be so grateful you had them close. Best luck with the rest of your pregnancy1
Sarah says
We all feel this way all the time. I think satan attacks the strongest on the greatest of people. Thank you for your comment!
Emily says
I know I'm reading this days later. but…
What a beautiful post! I've sooo been there. I was just talking to my husband about my impatience with our children. It totally escalates when there are more than one kid, too. "Be quiet, you'll wake the baby!" "Did you think it was a good idea to throw that at your brother?!" etc.
I, too, feel like a horrible mother during/after those instances. There have been many times I cried!… especially once my kids are in their beds for nap time. Nap time is hard (cause we're all tired… I want a nap too)!
Anyway, I've come to realize somethings just aren't worth it to fight or lose my patience with. I've got to pick my battles.
Also, reading about your nap time routine now sounds so sweet. You're such a sweet and caring mother! Maybe it's not my place to say, so you can do what you want with this advice (obviously), but maybe it would help with frustrations if you took turns sleeping with each child. You could even make a calendar that says who's turn it is… they might be more understanding that way or look forward to their turn. Don't know if that would help. If that doesn't work, reevaluate the situation. In the whole scheme of things, though you'd really like sleeping together to work, is it worth everyone getting frustrated? I've definitely learned my daughter falls asleep faster when she's been put to bed without me (and then her) getting frustrated (not the easiest! she tries my patience for sure!)
Or maybe it would be worth it to have a talk explaining how you can't always take a nap together (maybe just now and then) and how it's important to sleep separately. Not sure exactly what you'd say, that's tough.
I feel like I'm writing a novel, but I've just been thinking about this sort of topic myself lately. Some times it's just better to do an alternative option even if it's not ideally what you would have chosen first. Like lately my 3 month old has been having an adverse reaction to my breast milk. (he basically has all along, but it got even worse lately). He has been gassy and then he got extremely gassy so I thought maybe it was something I ate. We had some formula given to us from our hospital so I finally thought to use that while I got whatever out of my system. (I felt like I was giving in.) He took so well to the formula and was so much happier! I've been feeding him sensitive formula for 3 days now and he's so content and happy… no gas! I've been pumping like crazy and freezing it because I'm still unsure what I want to do about the whole situation. My ideal situation would be to breastfeed him for a year, but I've begun thinking… is it worth it? I want to keep nursing, but, after 3 months,my baby is so happy (and so am I that he is) now on formula. (His dad also had a reaction to breast milk when he was a baby. It could be the sugar in it that he can't process well)
I definitely believe in Mother's Intuition and, while advice is nice to hear now and then, mother (and father) really know what's best for their own kids.
Anyway, (enough rambling!:)) this post really was so sweet and beautiful (I love reading your posts when you share your insights on things). Thanks for the reminder that we are great mothers!
Kerrie P. says
Great post! Loved reading it & relating. Nice to be able to support & be supported by other mamas!
Sarah says
Oh, thank you so much for your post! You seem like a wonderful mother, wanting to breastfeed and wanting the best for your baby. And no one can decide what is best for your baby except for you, and it seems like you're doing a wonderful job! and the advice is really great, I never even thought that as an option and now, i'm like duh, why didn't i think of that? I'm seriously going to try switching the days and see how it goes. Thank you for your comment, it means a lot to me and feel free to write me a lovely novel in the future. :
)
The Angles says
Love this post! I'm a long time lurker, never commented but I couldn't not after reading this post. I am a mother of 2 girls also (2yrs and 4 mos) and I so often feel so inadequate to even be a mother. This is just what I needed to see! Thanks so much for sharing!!
Sarah says
Thanks for commenting for the first time and sharing your comment! I hope to hear more from you. π
Sarah says
Yes, that's one thing I love about blogging, the blogging community! Thanks for your comment!
theblushingpeony says
I feel the same way and I only have one baby. I don't dare to try for another because I'm AM an impatient person to start with and there is so much fear that I won't be good mother . I dontwant o lose my temper at my kid. I have had notions of what kind of mum I want to be since young. I want to be patient, loving and a mum my son can be proud of, a mom that my my mom never was. I didn't know my mom for the first ten years, and the next ten over years were spent hating her. Our relationship sorta improved only after I got married and moved out. Our relationships with our parents shaped our characters and influence our relationships with others. Anyway, to cut the story short, I was praying in church one day that I want to be a perfect mother to my son and not be like my mom. Then I got this amazing message: Every mothers' love for their child is perfect, but they way they show that love may not be perfect. Even God is telling us to be less harsh on ourselves.
Sarah says
Oh, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, that's beautiful! I love the message you received, and it's so true, every mother's love for their child is perfect. thank you for sharing!
kanaboke says
Thank you! I NEEDED to read this today! and the blushingpeony (through her answer from God) said it beautifully "Every mothers' love for their child is perfect, but they way they show that love may not be perfect. " I may have to get that in vinyl and put up on my mirror as a reminder every morning.
Sarah says
I agree with you, it is so beautiful I should print that out and frame it. Thank you for your comment!
Michelle says
Hi Sarah,
You have such a lovely blog and congrats on juggling 3 kids! I don't know HOW you do it.. I barely cope with one.
I know exactly what you mean when you doubt yourself as a mother.. the most recent occasion I feel horrible about, is having shouted at my little one when he woke me up in the middle of the night (as always) but just refused to go back to sleep, constant fidgeting and whining etc and I snapped! It's a horrible feeling I know.. π
You seem to be doing a great job and thanks for your post.
Best wishes,
Michelle
http://www.keungzai.com
Sarah says
I have three kids if you count my dog. π I cannot imagine if I had three kids right now!
And I totally understand the constant fidgeting, whining, oh my, it really tests my patience too. Thank you for your comment!
tfna226 says
OMG! I needed to hear that. All my friends act like they are perfect and patience and I feel like such a beast compared to them. I have two boys-and are they boys! They climb on everything, wrestle each other (or anything), fight, whine, cry, punch! It's endless!! I work full time and I feel pulled into a million directions. I'm always tired. I always feel frustrated. I have also contemplated having another baby. But think I am not a good mother so why bother. I really appreciate you opening up on this Motherhood. It's tough. I feel more proud to be a mother than I have before. Knowing, there is no right way to do things, but I'm not alone.
Sarah says
I hear boys at their toddler stage is SO hard! And working full time, yes, I'm sure all you want when you come home is peace and quiet which is not at all possible with kids. π and I know what you mean about other mothers acting like they're all perfect and such an angel mom. me, I yell at them and get mad at them just the same in public as in my own home haha. Thanks for your comment!
MyLifeMyJourney says
Words cannot express how much this post touched me. Your words are wonderful. Most days I feel wholly inadequate as a parent, even though I know in my heart I am giving my daughters all of the love that I have and that I am trying daily to be a better mother. So, thank you. Thank you for the reminder: I am a good mother. Some days that's all we need to hear.
MyLifeMyJourney says
Words cannot express how much this post touched me. Your words are wonderful. Most days I feel wholly inadequate as a parent, even though I know in my heart I am giving my daughters all of the love that I have and that I am trying daily to be a better mother. So, thank you. Thank you for the reminder: I am a good mother. Some days that's all we need to hear.
Sarah says
Thank you so much for your comment. It's good to know that EVERY good mother feels inadequate. π
Anonymous says
Hi,
I entered at your site behind a tutorial and then because of another … through the new home ec. And I came across this beautiful message, so true … Thank you for the courage to share your feelings common to all of us "mothers", that didn't always have the courage to admit it. And congratulations for your talent!
Best regards from Brazil,
Renata
Sarah says
You are so sweet, thank you Renata! And all the way from Brazil, how I would love to visit that beautiful Country! Thanks for your comment.
Aria says
That is the sweetest post ever. And one that I definitely needed to hear. So glad I'm not the only one worrying if I'm measuring up to the job. Uplifting and encouraging words are rare and always bring me so much peace. And what an adorable blog you have – I'll definitely be coming back!