i’ve been thinking about this for a long long time. and i still don’t know…whether i should have more kids or not. yes i have two kids, one is 3 yrs. old, the other is 21 months and they’re just 16 months apart. both of them were unplanned, i got pregnant with my 2nd child when my 1st one was only 8 months old. which i’ve said before i DO NOT recommend to anyone. it was hard.
now that my 2nd child is almost 2 yrs. old, i’ve been thinking about it more than ever. am i done having kids? should i have more? if so, when? even if i were to get pregnant right now, my 2nd and 3rd would be 2 yrs. apart which is good since they would be close in age and not too far apart. the many days while being a stay at home mom, my two kids fight, yell, scream all day and those days when i just wanna scream and run away to a quiet, peaceful place for just a little bit, where NO one will bother you, you can worry about yourself and yourself only for once in your life, to a place where i only need to take care of myself instead of 2 little people first and not get my needs met, oh sound so divine. and on those days(which have been more than ever since it’s the terrible 2’s and the terrifying 3’s all at once), i tell myself, “i’m DONE having kids. no really, I’m done. NO MORE KIDS!!!” and i feel so much better. knowing that i won’t have to go through it again, that this is just once and it’ll be over, makes me more patient and appreciative of even my kids’ tantrums and their emotional drama queen tendencies.
i wouldn’t mind having more kids, i just don’t wanna work so hard for it and pay the price for it. to go through the pregnancy, morning sickness, to give up my other dreams and goals, to go through my crazy rollercoaster moodiness and my poor husband who has to deal with it, the lack of sleep, painful labor, painful breastfeeding and being tied to the baby for at least a year, not enough or any time for myself(not even time to take a shower everyday, gross i know but i’d rather sleep), and i know i’m gonna sound really shallow for saying this, but i hate how it ages me and takes the life out of me. i look hashed all the time, i’ve never had dark circles or bags under my eyes before, and it ruins your body! there, i said it! i miss my pre-pregnancy body! it changes your body which you will never get back and what the heck, no one ever told me about that!!! but when i think about it more, i guess when i’m on my deathbed, i’m not going to say, ‘oh i wish i had looked better, less tired, more me-time.’ and the children are worth all that and so much more. i know that.
UGH….and whenever i say i’m done having kids, i feel so selfish and feel like i’m not a good enough mormon who wants at least 10 kids. everybody tells us we need to have boys, but what’s wrong with having all girls? what’s wrong with just having 2 kids? but then
i’ve talked to many people who’ve come from 2 kid families and the ones i’ve talked to all told me they wished their family was bigger while growing up. that it would’ve been more fun. and i’ve read studies where kids from big families are happier, more social, less selfish, etc. i wonder how true all that is.
i just don’t know. and that’s been on my mind lately. should i stop having kids? if not, should i have one now? or wait a few yrs. and then start all over again with having a baby and being stuck to the baby 24/7? i feel like i’m a bad mom for saying i don’t want to be with the baby 24/7, i feel selfish for wanting to pursue my other dreams and ambition, to have a little more time for myself and to take care of my needs. maybe i’m just burnt out. maybe i don’t think i’m a good enough mother to be having more kids. maybe that’s it.
while my preschool friends told our teacher they wanna be a doctor, pilot, policeman, i always always told them i wanted to be a mom. it was my dream job. and it still is and i love it don’t get me wrong. but i think since i’ve always dreamed about being a stay at home mother and raising kids, writing down family traditions i want to keep when i was in H.S(weird? yes it is), promising myself what kind of a mother i would be(making sack lunches and writing a compliment in ’em each day, waiting for them to come home from school with warm snacks, taking them and their friends out for ice-cream on the 1st day of school n talking about their new teacher), i think i built up this “perfect mom” in my head and i’m not meeting them all. i never imagined i would yell at my kids, wanting to scream so loud and cry because it’s so hard and i hate it sometimes, wishing they would leave me alone or i could just leave them for a few hrs., to lose so much patience i almost hit my child before i stop myself, to literally forcing my mouth shut from saying not-so-nice things to my oldest child, i let them watch too much t.v many times, the list goes on.
but i’m rambling now and it’s midnight. it just feels good to let it all out.
Fraulein To You!!! says
I think it's fair to say nobody can be Super Mom. It's not selfish to only keep to having a few kids. In my opinion, so long as you can comfortably afford having more children and they can all still get the attention they need and deserve, there's nothing wrong with having more kids either. I think there are many ppl that shouldn't have more kids bc their children don't get the attention they need and THAT is what's truly selfish. However, you're a stay at home mom and there seems to be plenty of love in your home.
Caroline @ The Feminist Housewife says
Girl- I can SOO relate.
I am expecting my second baby, who will be 20 months apart from my first (both pretty unplanned.)
I just don't know how I'm going to get through it! I'm seriously having doubts about breastfeeding this time around – since I'm still breastfeeding my 17 month old and it HURTS soooo badly.
And I cried when my boobs disappeared when my milk dried up while pregnant.
Sigh…no answers here. But I sure can relate to your thoughts! Glad you shared. = ) *hugs*
janimal says
I think this is such a personal decision. Anyone who tells you that you should try to have boys is an assclown — it's none of their business and it's ignorant. Sounds to me like you are very in touch with yourself, and what is important to you, and your conflict means you are a GOOD mom who takes her job very seriously. Gosh, don't we need MORE moms like that!!!
Whatever you decide, will be the right thing.
Best wishes for whatever you decide.
Marisa says
OH MY GOODNESS!!!!
This post was just perfect!You just said EVERYTHING!I have a 17 month boy that is my life, but…He is very into everything and I stay home ALL DAY LONG, seven days a week…I feel that my patience is just gone, my mind and body are very tired,and yesterday I just had a breakdown…I was feeding him and things got so crazy that I literally had to hide behind the kitchen island and cry like a little girl, and that's how my husband found me when he got home from work!!!!And I am soooooooooooo sick from people asking me when am I having more kids….Telling me that I should…
Usually the people that ask me that are people that work and drop their kids @ daycare in the very morning and pick them up about 7ish pm….Well…let's say that is NOT the same being a stay home mom….Anyway I worte too much, but this post was so honest(specially after one more crying episode yesterday)
I love your blog and I always come to visit you!
Follow your heart and try to ignore people (I am trying my best)
Love,
Marisa
kodie says
i have 2 girls too. mine are just under 3 years apart, which makes it a little easier, but i still get stressed out too! (they are 4 and 20 months.) i can't have anymore kids because of complications i had with my second one and i get grief from people ALL the time about when i'm gonna have another baby and how much my husband needs a boy. so my words of "wisdom" (HA!) are: you can only make that decision for you! while i had already decided that i didn't want another child after my second while still pregnant with her (the pregnancy was CRAZY stressful with all the issues i was having!), i was still really sad when i got 'fixed'. i knew it was the end of an era for me. but i'm ok with it now. so in short, i totally understand where you are at and i think a lot more women go through it than they would ever let on! for us, we know that adoption is always an option for us, but we are in no hurry for that right now. i have my hands full enough as it is! and don't stress too much about it – you will make the right decision. :o)
Monica says
I have 3 sons and everyone always asks me "Don't you want a girl?". My sons are 16,12,8. I think at this point I'd be crazy to have another. I have them all potty trained and pretty much able to take care of themselves if they HAD to. Ya know? It's okay for me to leave them at home alone for an hour while I go to the gym or whatever. But……….
I wish I would have had another a few years after the last. When you have an odd number of kids, someone is always left out. There seems to be more bickering between an odd number of kids (be it siblings, or just a group of friends). So my advice to you is this: if you decide to have more children, have 2 more not just one more. π
The Hojnackes says
I am one of eleven children. I have four and we are done. People ask me if I always knew I would have a big family. I tell them we are small compared to the eleven I grew up with. It is all relative. God only requires of you what you are capable of accomplishing. If you feel that you are doing what you can, who cares what everyone else thinks? How many children you have is a personal decision you and your husband should make. No one else gets a say (except God, but even then we have free agency). I'm sure you already are, but pray about it. Personally and as a couple. You may just decide you need a break. You may decide you want another one now. You may decide you are done. Whatever you decide, it is yours. If you can live with the choices you make, then you have probably made good ones. If you are really unsure, don't do anything permanent. You know what you can handle. No one else knows what you personally go through, so they have no right to judge how good you are (especially based on the number of children you have). God does not determine our worthiness by the number of children we have. A better judgement would be how we raise the ones we've got!
MyLyn says
I totally hear you. We just had our 2nd (unplanned) and they are 19 months apart. Though I love them dearly and am mormon I think I may be done as well. I'm like you in that I LOVED my pre-pregnancy body and though the joys of having children are worth it, it's still hard to see it slip away. I say go with what you feel. If you want to be done don't let other people make you feel bad about it! Let the other moms have 10 babies and let yourself be happy in your own situation. I'm so glad someone finally admitted to all this though! π
Amy says
First: Go pick up the book "I am a Mother" by Jane Clausen Johnson. She has lots of answers to these exact questions. I read it just having Axel and it was amazing. I have a copy you could borrow too if you would like.
Second: I couldn't wait to have another baby and get pregnant again.Yes both my babies were planned and I was super excited about them both.
But now that I am here, and it has been an extremely hard pregnancy, Kory and I both agree that number 3 will be a little more spaced out.
But I have been thinking a lot about this very thing lately, I myself have said it quite a few times that I am DONE after this. I can't be pregnant any more.As much as i love little babies, and small children the pregnancy is just too much.
But then just this week something very life changing happened to me, a very good friend of mine found out that babies are not in the future for her and her husband, that it would be next to impossible for her husband and her to conceive. The look in her eyes as tears poured down her face was so humbling to me. I felt so selfish. I know what it feels like to struggle with fertility, and I think sometimes we take for granted the fact that the lord has entrusted us with these spirits at this time. That being said it doesn't mean we need them all at once. (that's why he sends twins π But how many kids we have is totally up to you and the lord.
I am not trying to lecture you. I have these same thoughts and I don't even have number 2 out yet. It is hard when you have your kids so close together when they are so little, you have to just take one day at a time. But in a year or two they wont be there anymore and they will be very helpful happy 4 and 5 year olds, and then you will get to do all the things you imagined yourself doing as a mom. And then before we know it we will be little old ladies watching our kids get married and starting their own families, and we will have all the time in the world to sew, scrapbook, and have a immaculate house.
Right now our home is supposed to be filled with fighting children, toys on the floor, paint food and everything else imaginable all over the walls. It is all a part of where we are at.
How sad would we be if the fighting was silent, the toys hadn't been touched or were never there in the first place?
I am not saying this to make you feel like an awful mother, because I KNOW you are not. I know your daughters are adored and loved beyond measure. I am just sharing what happened to me this week, and has changed my perspective.
Maybe you and Jay should go to the temple and pray for an answer if two is enough for you and your family.
Amy says
My comment was too long! But I have more.
Sar I think you need to know that you are not alone. Two to three is a big step because suddenly you are out numbered. Wait it out if you want to focus on the two you have. They will be such great little helpers in a year or two. Addi I can tell already is a little you in the making.
Anyway, love you tons call me if you ever want to get out and chat or go to the library or mall. Ash and I try to get together weekly for sanity sakes π PS I have been meaning to tell you Jess no longer works during the day! So we need to get together soon.
sisters4saymoreismore says
wow… you said what i am always thinking!!! i also have 2 girls and they will be 5 and 7 in feb… and i still can't feel right about adding more babies or going through it all again… PPD really whiped me out and it got worse with each one… i don't know if i want to be a bad mom to 3 kids or stay being an ok mom to 2.. sad part is, my hubby is dying for more… i have prayed for the desire to do it again if its right… i just don't have it in me… not now any way. and the havoc it reeks on you body doesn't help… when you are already depressed and crazy AND you weigh 50lbs more than you normaly do it just doesn't help things!
i kind of feel like as women we will know when the time is right and we shouldn't worry about when we "should" do things…
thanks for sharing! it helps to know i'm not alone!
~selina
ps that striped cardi is amazing! i totally love it! we will take pics and post them on our blog!
Laura says
You are not selfish. Please do not base your decision on any outside pressures to be someone's ideal of a perfect family.
Listen to your heart. It is telling you the truth.
I love all of my children, but for my sanity, I should have stopped after the third one. I was just a worn-out shell of a mother afterwards.
–Married almost 40 years
helena says
SARAH!!! This is your friend Helena from spain, I got here through facebook. I read this and I have to tell you I think you are really honest and I love how you write your feelings.
I don't think you should worry so much about this, you already have a wonderful family! You are so young, if you ever feel like having another kid, then go for it, and if you don't, then be the best mom ever to your little girls (which you already are, by the way!) and don't feel so bad. I know you are mormon, but where does it say you are a better mormon or a better person if you have three kids instead of two? Then how many kids must we have not to be selfish? No one would think that.
I don't think it's the number of kids you have, I believe it is the life and education you give to your kids which makes you a good mother.
I wouldn't worry so much about the studies you have read where they say kids from big families are happier, because they love to make statistics about everything. In my opinion, the reality is that your kids will be happy if you love them and give them the best of you, it doesn't matter if it's two, three or ten. Don't feel so selfish because two is a good number, I don't even have kids yet, I want to finish with my studies first.
Everybody deserves a happy and wonderful life, and the happier you are the happier your family will be; so make your own decisions (and talk to your husband and see how he feels about having/not having any more kids) and don't be so hard on yourself!
And please, forgive my English because I haven't talked in english forever!
Sarah says
thank you so much everyone for your input, it's greatly appreciated! i have read every word on here and it's helped a lot. i don't care what others think of me as long as I'm happy with myself so that's not what i'm worried about, maybe i'm putting too much pressure and expectations on myself. π
and i agree with every single person on here! i could've wrote it myself!
camilla hallows says
Sarah,
I haven't talked or seen you in a very long time but I read your blog now and then and I can tell that you are an amazing mother! It is madening when they fight. I also have 3 yr old and 1 year old girls 15 mo apart. It feels like they fight all of their waking hours sometimes. It's so easy to get frustrated and loose control. Try not to beat yourself up about it. You are right to take care of yourself so that you can be a great mommy for them. You will know when and if the time is right for more children. You are doing a great job!
xoxo,
Camilla
Melrose says
ultimately it's a decision only you can make on your own, and lord knows your life must be a little cxrazy with two little ones running around!
I will tell you though that I'm the oldest in a family of 3 children. My sister and I are fairly close together in age like your two, but then we have a "baby" brother who is six years younger than I am and we get along FAMOUSLY and always have. We're best friends and still do things together, and I'd like to think it was easier on my mother not having us both in high school (drama!) at the same time, and not having to put us both through university simultaneously either! Just somethign to think about….
Janean says
hey sarah, i read and love your blog, dont know you, but wish i did. but i have thought about this alot too. My son is 2 also, and i hated being pregnant with all of my heart and it was really hard for me to even want to have another. I come from a family of 7 kids (mormon also? yep) and 7 kids was alot. I look at it this way. I am going to have as many kids as I can mentally handle, i want to be a fun and fun loving mom, not a mom that hates her life because she feels like she didnt get to do what she wants in life. So whether thats 2 or 3 or even 4 (yikes) Im going to decide ONE kid at a time. And my advice to you would be if it stresses you out to think about another one, then dont have one yet. wait, til your baby hungry, and cant take it any longer and are willing to put other things on hold for that sweet babe, who cares how long that is?? Its when, you, are ready. hope that helps. xo janean
Kayla says
Just a few thoughts- I'm days away from having our second (she'll be 2 years younger than our first daughter), and I've been thinking a lot about # and spacing of kids. We are planning on putting more space between this one and any others we have, simply because little kids are so demanding. I'm not sure if I'm ready for the rollercoaster of having a newborn again, but I've found a lot of comfort and direction in President Uchtdorf's recent conference talk about Simplifying. I'm going to (TRY TO) drop my super mom ideas and just focus on keeping the three of us happy and taken care of at home. I've been trying to simplify things already, and I've been surprised at how much happier Hallie and I are, how the days go so much smoother, and the important things get done.
Also, I think it's MUCH more important to take care of the children you have, than to worry that you should have a million more. I wish we didn't have the Mormon stigma of a house full of kids- I've seen quite a few moms who get stressed because of that idea. I don't think God wants us to do something that will drive us crazy! And don't beat yourself up about "too much TV" etc- as long as you feel you're doing your best, be happy with that!
I always appreciate your honesty, because I think too many of us feel we have to pretend that things are perfect all the time…
Karyn says
Just last night my husband and I had this discussion! We have 5 children. Our first two are also 15 months apart. Our oldest was 7 when our now 2 year old baby was born. I always said I wanted 5 or 6and that I would stop by the time I turn 35, which is next week. I think whether you have one child or ten children, the hardest part is knowing when you are done. When I do think I'm done I'm excited to move on from the baby stage but then I get so freaked out at the thought of never peeing on another pregnancy stick again. π
The body issues you discussed are real and not shallow. While I may not be packing on extra weight my belly sure isn't as cute as it was pre pregnancy.
Good luck to you in whatever you choose. And isn't that the great thing, WE get to choose?
Sami says
You seem like one who would thrive with more kids! You seem to have so much energy!
My Moma had her first 2 kids 13 months apart(the 2nd was born at 33 weeks) and then with her 3rd had pre-term labor, but that didnt stop her!!! Now she is pregnant with her 11th!! WE are almost all 2 years apart(she has had 4 miscarriages in the past 20 years). She was 18 with her 1st and now is 42 with her 11! She just prays that God will give her strength! And he does!!
BTW the oldest is 23 and the baby(for now) is 2.
Like Karyn said Take care of the little ones you have now.
But(if you want) dont try to stop them from coming! If they come it was God's will, if not then it wasnt!
Just my 1 cent
But do what you want to do.
You will do the right thing!
Sami
Steph says
Like others have said, it's a decision that is yours and your husband's (and ultimately, God). I have three children, all unplanned, and though we had always said our max was going to be 3, when I found out about my last, I cried. My eldest son at the time had just turned 3 and my second son had just turned 1, so I was concerned about how the new baby was going to change our family dynamic. I'm a stay at home mom and I worried about juggling 3 kids and worse, how I would ensure that they all got the attention they needed from me. I especially felt bad for my second because I felt like he wouldn't get as much time with me as I had been able to give my first.
However, they are now 5, 3 and 1.5 and though I never went looking to have a girl (I was actually worried because I was too used to boys and I hated when people assumed I was having a 3rd just to have a girl), she completes our family. The boys adore her and she, them. It would probably have been easier/simpler with 2, but I can't picture not having her around. All children and blessings and I'm always thankful that God's plan is always better than ours. Since her birth, we've taken steps not to have any more, but no birth control is every 100%. We always say if God wants us to have more, then we'll have more.
Plus, although it is tough when the kids are young, I think we will really enjoy having 3 when they're all older. I'm the second of four and though my parents house is crazy when we're home with our families, it's always a happy time.
Don't feel guilty about thinking about having more or not having more. Bringing a child into the world is a great responsibility and not one that should be taken lightly. I give you credit for thinking things through. Good luck with your family and your plans.
Kellie Monibidor says
So true, we do need more moms who actually care about this kind of thing!! I work in education, and there are too many parents who don't even care, which is sad. But the fact that she's thinking about all these things shows her true character!! Thank you for sharing!!