I love putting ana to sleep. (daddy puts adi to sleep while i put ana to sleep.)
she is the easiest baby to put to sleep. all i have to do is cradle her like a little baby and rock her on my rocking chair while she drinks her milk and i sing to her. a few mins. later i’ll look down and she’s already asleep. my sweet little ana.
and every night, even though there’s dirty dishes, messes, chores, errands i have to get to,
i can’t help but sit there and rock her while i literally kiss every part of her face. i hold her for over an hour many times, she is so beautiful and perfect that i just can’t seem to stop starring at her and put her down. i so sound like a creep don’t i? to make it worse, i also like to kiss her on the lips and linger there while feeling her gentle breathe on my face. hahaha told you it was gonna get creepier.
as i look at her, i wonder what she’ll be like when she’s older.
what she’ll look like when she’s my age, if she’ll make right choices, if she’ll be obedient to God’s commandments, what kind of mistakes/trials she’ll have to face, what she’ll be when she grows up, who she’s going to marry, whether she’ll marry the right person, okay never mind, i’m not ready to think about that yet.
tonight, as i watched her sleep peacefully, in her warm fleece pajamas, her stomach full from dinner and roasted marshmallows, in our nice house with a heater on right next to her, sleeping without any worry or fear, feeling protected and safe, happy and content, i thought about the others who aren’t as fortunate. a couple months ago i read this book called first they killed my father(can you think of a more depressing title? i think not!) and it truly was the saddest book i’ve ever read. i’ve never bawled so much reading a book. i literally got down on my knees and wailed out loud like a baby for a straight hour. at least a few times.
it’s a story about a little girl, 5 yrs. old in Cambodia when the whole Khmer Rouge began from 1975-1979. Pol Pot won as the leader of the country and he thought everyone that’s been educated, works for the government were corrupt so began the genocide. so basically he was the Hitler in Cambodia. he wanted everyone to become farmers so the country could sustain themselves instead of borrowing food/money from China. within 4 years of the Khmer Rouge, the population of Cambodia shrunk 1/4. isn’t that RIDICULOUS!!! Ahhh it makes me so mad!
so it’s a sad story of a little girl who was wealthy before but went into hiding and eventually sent to work camps and her struggle as more than 1/2 of her family were killed, and her constant pains of hunger and fear for her life.
so as i thought of that book and many babies/kids out in the world today who are not fed, clothed, sheltered, abused, neglected, my heart broke. oh how i wish i could help them. how i wish i could hold every single one of them and kiss them and feed, clothe, and shelter them and let them know they’re special and loved.
so i made a goal. one day, i’ll help them. wouldn’t it be awesome to run an orphanage where every single baby got enough attention and love? i know kids in orphanages hardly get love and attention and they crave it and need it. didn’t many babies die during world war 2 even though they were fed, clothed, and got their basic needs met, because they never got the human touch? if human beings literally die from lack of love, lack of touch, what happens to those that survive? can we really judge those people that are violent and do bad things?
i would love to open up an orphanage where not only do kids get their basic needs met, they’ll have one on one time everyday with a friend/mentor/role model to play/laugh/cuddle with. basically a parent until they get adopted into a loving family.
maybe that is my mission in life.
i feel so lucky and grateful that i grew up in a wonderful family, with parents whom i knew loved me so much, always got attention and love, always felt safe and protected within my home, was taught the Gospel and where i gained an immovable testimony, where i laughed much, where i knew i was special, where i learned to be confident and happy. thank you mom and dad. i love you forever and more.
i’m thankful for my husband for being the most wonderful partner i could ask for, who provides everything that i need and want(most of the time :P), for spoiling me with love, for protecting me and making me feel so safe.
and it’s all because of my heavenly father. oh how i love thee.
Worthy says
Please include me in your orphanage plans. I don't necessarily want to build/run one, but I would love to help/mentor the kids. I remember being a volunteer at the UT state hospital (mental hospital) in the children's unit and there were these kids that were so sad looking. It really breaks my heart thinking of the children who are abused, mentally, emotionally, physically, etc.
Cherisse says
I can't tell you how much my little boys mean to me too. When I think about being a mother my first thought is that I love them so much and then my second thought is how grateful I am to have them happy and healthy. I know I am immensely blessed. Just that I can provide those things to them EVERYDAY makes me eternally grateful. I think so much about other children in this world who need more love, need more affection, need more nourishment, or need more time with someone who can give them attention. I've had some special experiences traveling around the world and spending time with children in orphanages in Mexico, impoverished children in China, seeing it in Taiwan, and just learning about it on my own. My heart aches so much for these children. Just as you, I also wish I could do so much more for them, to love them and take care of them. One day we plan on moving back to China and I want to work or volunteer all my time in the orphanages, of course my children would be grown and on their own. But, for now the best thing I think I can do is love and take care of my own children. Teach them true gospel principles and doctrines. Teach them to be the GOOD in this world. I feel extremely blessed and don't want to take it for granted or be ignorant. So, I know that I must work harder and harder everyday to fulfill my mission with the time I have. I think we could talk for hours about this. Thanks for your thoughts.
janie says
sarah, you must read "Half the Sky"… swear, you won't be able to put it down. it's written by two new york times journalists who happen to be married. it's stories of women from all over the world suffering unimaginable violations of their human rights. it's infuriating, it's inspiring, it's tragic, and it's true…
Emily says
oh, i really really liked this. you are so great and i hope you make those dreams come true!
Line says
You're awesome Sarah! I did a report in undergrad about the importance of love and affection for the health of a baby. I couldn't believe the statistics, but it's true. Love saves babies!
Jon says
I always enjoy reading about all the great things you're doing! It's great that you have such great, selfless dreams. At the risk of sounding condescending and cliche, I'd say you don't need to wait until that "some day" comes to do something big. I think if you think about it and get creative, there are many other things short of opening an orphanage that you can do to make kids feel loved. I hope you'll keep us updated with your humanitarian stuff and definitely let us know if there are any things we (readers) could help with!
ps, Angela's doing something somewhat similar–she's starting a website with craft projects people can do for service. For example, one of the projects is sewing old pillow cases into nice dresses for the girls in Africa who don't have anything to wear.
Sarah says
worthy and cherisse, i would love to work together with you girls in the future! i would totally trust you guys. π and cherisse, if u lived closer, i think we would be close friends. π
@janie-maybe i shouldn't read it, i would be so sad for days! haha
@line and emily, thank you for your sweet words.
@john-I'm assuming angela's your wife? i would love to know more about that, and you're so right, there is something i can do RIGHT now. thanks for the reminder, i lied in bed last night thinking about what I could do and thought of some options! i appreciate it. π
Pearl says
Sarah, such a wonderful blog..I've always wanted to be involved with orphanages too.. I would love to help out with your dream too.. love you! unni ga
fallen star says
Nice thoughts =) Hope you achieve your dream someday.
(p.s. This happened in Cambodia, not Vietnam.)
fallen star says
Nice thoughts =) Hope you achieve your dream someday.
(p.s. This happened in Cambodia, not Vietnam.)